Yesterday I posted about a dream that has been torturing me. What to do with it? Should I share with h? How would he react? I was afraid but I did it anyway. Bravery! Acting in spite of the fear, another baby step.
He was great. He handled it so well, was compassionate, comforting, empathic!
It really does help! I was beginning to wonder if the idea that it would help was not real, was just me grasping at straws for some relief.
It seems that the biggest breakthrough for him was finally "getting it", the pain is real. Well, I could have told him that! I did, over and over, I showed it everyday, I live it everyday.
He started earnestly reading on SI this week, in the JFO forum, painful stuff. He didn't run away from it or just look for the positive stories. He faced the pain that he inflicted, saw in others the pain that he observed in me.
Thank you SI and everyone that has shared their raw pain. It seems he needed to see the universal pain, he needed to hear the same words from others that he heard from me. He was having trouble grasping that this much pain was even possible.
The words that I heard from him last night, the feelings that I felt from him, it felt real. It was soothing. It helped so much to hear him say, "I would be devastated", "that must have been horrible for you", "what can I do to help you?" and not to have my emotions minimized or feel like I was expressing my deepest and yes shameful, because I do feel shame, to a wall.
I think, I hope, I pray that this is him "getting it".
Is it real? Is it sustainable? Can he be consistent?
I know there will be set backs, I know we will make mistakes. If, if, if the good can outweigh the bad. If the effort is maintained. I want so badly for this to work, to come out on the other side together.
I really don't understand why he couldn't believe what was in front of him. Maybe it was to painful for him to admit, maybe he just wasn't ready to face himself.
I pray this is real.
I pray he is able to remain strong.
Today I feel some relief, I know I need a lot more, but for today, I will appreciate what he was able to give and enjoy the feeling.Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie