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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I confronted her this morning.
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew she had an affair a couple years ago. She told me it was over. I had a feeling it wasn't so I looked at her phone. Turns out it had been on going on the whole time.

I packed all of her things into the car and told her to leave. She refused. She told me some of what was going on. I made her call him and tell him it's over. Seems they were getting together tonight.

Now she wants to get a baby sitter so we can go out tonight. I of course want to say yes but I don't.

I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here? How do I ever trust her again?

I don't even know what to post here.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mad)))
You dont have to do anything right now.
Find yourself a good counselor that deals with infidelity for YOU. Read here in the healing library. Drink plenty of water and exercise if possible. It will help you sleep at night.
Keep posting we are here.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't do well with just sitting. I have to do something. That's how I work. I need to channel this anger into something.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))

Take care of yourself. Eat, drink, try to sleep. see a counselor for you and an attorney. I am not saying you are headed for divorce. Just knowledge is so helpful.

Sounds like you have kids. Take care of them too..

I really am sorry that you find yourself here as BS but here is the best place to be for support.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to channel this anger into something.
I understand! Do you belong to a gym? Can you go work out for a few days...like hours at a time? Can you go running or biking? I think exercise can help tremendously in times like this!
How about talking with a good friend? Or councilor? Maybe take a short break from work? -Let's say a couple of days plus the weekend and just relax at home or go camping with a buddy?

Think of yourself now. BE SELFISH but be there for your kiddos. They don't know what's going on and you need to protect them.

Give yourself time. DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS NOW!

She took two years from you. Now you take your time FOR you!

Keep posting, we have been there...


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome madd. I am so sorry you found yourself here, but you are now among friends.

The best advice I can give you, is to NOT lose the momentum you have going right now by softening your stance. She cheated, you forgave, and she disrespected you AGAIN by continuing the A for years. That's some major disrespect IMO.

Great move by packing her bags and telling her to leave, but...you did not enforce it. Every time you say you are going to do something and don't follow through, you are teaching them that they have the upper hand, and that they can talk, smooze, manipulate, and worm their way out of anything.

You will never have more influence over the future outcome of your situation than you do at this very moment. You MUST strike while the iron is hot, and in my situation SHOCK and AWE was what worked for me.

And for me that meant getting a lawyer, finding out what my rights were, and immediately separating. Nothing sends a message of 'DON'T EVEN THINK YOU CAN FUCK WITH ME' like that does.

Filing for D, separating, etc...does NOT mean you eventually have to follow through and D. You can stop the process at any point, but, in order to send the above message, and to protect yourself financially, seeing a lawyer is of paramount importance.

So you say you need to 'do' something, well, start making a list of good lawyers and start making appointments. Definitely meet with several, their initial consultation fees are little to none.

Also, go get tested for STD's and insist your WW do the same. Make sure she has her docs office release her results to YOU. Remember, cheaters are consummate liars, don't trust anything she says, you want written proof.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 8:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her not leaving means only one thing....she's unremorseful. If she truly cared about you and your feelings she would agree to your requests and disappear for a while and respect your request. I don't think getting a babysitter and going out for one night is some way she thinks all will be better.

She doesn't get it nor probably will. She doesn't really understand the pain you are in nor does she respect you right now. Since she won't leave I would tell her you are contacting an attorney that will legally make her leave. You can't be nice to her. Believe me when I say many of us have tried that route and it doesn't work. At the very least kick her out of the bedroom and let her sleep elsewhere. And no...you cannot trust her anymore. She kept seeing this guy even after you knew about it. There can't be any worst disrespect than that. If she won't agree to immediate NC and working on your relationship, then you know what you need to do. Mine was unremorseful so I have a lot of experience with that type of person.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Get a lawyer understand your options going forward and how to protect yourself.
2. Both of you need to get tested for STD's ASAP.
3. Find a good IC for each of you.
4. Go the to healing library and start reading. its a gold mine of coping strageties and information.

5. take care of yourself. This shit sucks and this is hers to own. You didnt cause her to cheat, she need to own her actions fully.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All very good advice and I highly recommend the hard ass approach as trying to love them back just keeps you in pain and them with an overinflated ego.

Is the OM married or involved? If so, the very best thing you can do right now is contact the other betrayed spouse and let them know what is going on. If you have copies of the phone records or other proof of the affair, give it to the other spouse. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE that you are going to contact the other spouse as she will warn the OM.

We have all felt the pain that you are feeling now. You are going to be alright.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are kids involved.

She took our son to school and then came home instead of going to work. She said she was sorry which she didn't do before. We talked some. I made her promise on the kids not to have any contact with him ever again.

She says she wants to make things work. She says it's the sex that's the problem. I know this and I know why but I really don't know how to solve that. Nor doI know how to let her have a life and not keep her locked up.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone. There are lots of guys who have gone through this as well (unfortunately).

You said:

She says it's the sex that's the problem.

Not knowing the details there I will say this. Sex is not the problem, her inability to honor and cherish the promises she has made to you is the problem. And I'm willing to bet the farm the even deeper problem is her need to be validated by someone else. If she can't commit to you and you alone then I think you know where you stand with her. Protect yourself legally, emotionaly, and financially. Make your kids the top priority here and don't accept anything she tells you as truth at this point. It sucks to realize that but its a must at this time.

In the "I Can Relate" section there is a thread for betrayed men. Come on over and you can get a lot of good advice from other guys who may have been in similar circumstances.

Stay strong, you will get through this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maddmurph - It doesn't seem like it at the moment but you will get through this. We're here for you.

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has been lying to you for years and right now she's desperate to NOT lose her pretty little world with you.

She did not cheat on you because of your sex life. So what, if you suffered some injury that prevented you from having sex it would be ok for her to cheat?
She cheated because she is broken and she needs to go into IC to figure out why she did this. Swearing on your children is not enough. She broke her vows to you. She's been lying for years. Sadly, you just can not trust her.
I would make her write a no contact letter. She then needs to give you access to all accounts, passwords, emails, etc. Put a gps tracker on her phone. She has to be 100% transparent.
Now, the OM - is he married? If so, tell his wife. That will blow the lid off of the affair because they're fueled by the secrecy.

Stay strong. We're all here for you.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also...

I knew she had an affair a couple years ago. She told me it was over.

More reasons why her word cannot be trusted. She has already proven before that she doesn't honor her word. Actions from her need to be speaking the loudest right now.

I'll second what cliffside said. Blow the roof off that affair by telling the other man's spouse if he has one.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Murph,

I read your thread in the other forum. There is one magic trick that ALL WW's play on us.

It's the disappearing power trick. She has more than likely performed a trick that makes you believe that you have no power and she has ALL the power in the marriage.

At this point she does have all the power and she will use EVERY trick her bag to keep it. She will placate and give you whatever you want to keep you from standing your ground. If you try to pull away she will run to you. She will do anything to keep you close. She does this because it ensures her power. She will play on your crushed emotions by giving you a tidbit here and there to keep you "on the line". She will say things like "how could you do that to the kids". She will push every button and pull every lever to keep her power.

I was shocked at what my wife did to manipulate me during this time. Any time I tried to pull away she got closer. I was so in need of comfort I fell for it.

On a long enough timeline it quits working but not until the manipulation has dragged your emotions down the road long enough to harden you to it.

I said all that to say this... Your wife is still cheating and has taken it "underground". She continued last time and she will again. Her acting like nothing is wrong and wanting to go out is proof of that. Tell her this, "I am going out and you are free to do the same but I'm not going out with you. If you do this she will FREAK OUT. I guarantee it. She will sense that as her power slipping and will rail against you for it.

After everything I did and all the pain I was finally done with the shenanigans. I did this. I wrote out a "minimum performance standard" for my wife. I listed every unacceptable behavior of hers on it.

I gave her the following stipulation. If you do anything on the list I am divorcing you, Period. This is non-negotiable and once it starts it's irrevocable. I said us staying married will be your choice. Do anything on the list and you are choosing not to be married. Simple as that. I told her I was fine with any decision she chose to make.

I planted my flag and made myself crystal clear. That was it. That was my line in the sand. We are still married and she has been the perfect wife ever since.

I think the hard part is getting to the place where either decision for her ends with you being OK and happy. Once you get there though it's life changing.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maddmurph, I'm so sorry you're here with us. This is very likely going to be the most difficult, painful, confusing thing you've ever gone through, and for that I am very sorry. Know that all of us have been through it and that the advice people will give you comes from our own terrible experience. A lot of "I wish I had done that when it happened to me" sorts of advice. Some of it is going to be scary and you aren't going to act on all of it. That's OK, we were all there. Please do your best to absorb it, though, and please don't be scared off by it. We're here to help.

That said, here are some things that if I were you, I would do immediately.

1. If the other man is married, please tell his wife in a gentle and understanding manner. Do this with evidence and do it right away. Do not let your wife know what you're doing, just do it.

2. Go to the grocery store and stock up on various forms of liquid nutrition. You may not feel like eating much for a while and I don't want you to end up like me after my Dday. Please take care of your body.

3. Find some sort of physical outlet for your stress and anger. For me, it was riding my motorcycle and walking my dogs. This helps.

4. Don't believe a word your wife says right now. Watch for her actions. They need to be consistent and moving towards a place where she is becoming a safe partner for you.

I'm really sorry you're here. Please take care of yourself. We're here if you need us.


Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little perspective, maturity and less blame shifting is needed on the part of your WW...

According to your WW there were problems with sex in the marriage and that motivated her to have an A?

Well guess what! Here is what she needs to know...Her dumb As%% just created the most monumental problem there ever can be between two people in a relationship..

That is BETRAYAL...

Now each of you is gonna have to deal with the betrayal and why and how she could make such a choice to lie and cheat behind your back..

This issue for your relationship trumps any and all other problems that were ever present..

How she deals with the fallout and aftermath of her A, lies, cover-ups will determine whether or not you even want her in your life at all..

For some people the damage caused by A, subsequent lies, trickle truth, lack of remorse is irrevocable and a deal breaker

Any and all problems in the marriage are petty in comparison to the one monumental problem that she just created..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:42 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Gather your evidence now, phone records, fb posts logs, messages, emails, anything you can get. And demand access to all of it, especially before she thinks she can clean it up. Doesn't mean you have to use it, but having the security of having as much as I could gather gave me a little peace in a situation where peace is impossible to come by.
2) It's your call but the last thing I would do is go to dinner with her. She wants to smooth it over. She will do everything in her power to make it disappear as quickly as possible. Smoothing it over at this point has nothing to do with making you feel any better, its about her going into full blown self-protection mode.
3) I know it hard, I'm a "have to do something about it now" kind of person too, but you HAVE to take your time. Your emotions are to close to the surface. Make sure your rational in all your actions.
4) STAY HERE ON SI. Even though I'm sure there are a lot of differences in our situations; Your first sentence...dead on with what happened to me. After dday one she just took the affair further underground. My point, your not alone. You will find support here.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 12:54 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My issue is the kids. How do I protect them? How do I explain that mommy isn't going to be there? How do I fix my marriage?

I don't want to just lawyer up. I don't want to lock her up either. How do I keep tabs on her?


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*SEX* is not a valid reason to cheat on someone. There are many people who are married to partners that are physically impaired. Like Veterans that are injured fighting for our country.

There is no valid *REASON* (meaning external circumstance) that give good cause for someone to betray their partner. The source of cheating comes from the mind of the cheater. Cheating is a conscious and deliberate decision. All the *reasons* given are pretty much smoke that masks a internal bad decision making process.

I would also like to second RyeBread's invitation to join the discussing in the *I can relate* forum for Betrayed Men. Theres allot of wisdom there and you will get it from guys that have been EXACTLY where you are.

For now I would suggest you get full disclosure and perhaps a timeline of the LTA from your WW. You need this so that you will know exactly what you are dealing with.

Also and very important you need to get full access to every email account every cell phone text every way of communication your WW has or might use to contact OM. These things rarely end when we think they do. This is a long term relationship and its very common that they may want to meet for *one last time to say good bye*. And sometimes that meeting doesnt really end things.

Remember you are not to blame for your WW decision to cheat.

Stay strong.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


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