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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I confronted her this morning.
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read it. I just don't understand it.

She got pissed this morning because I wasn't talking to her last night. (Also because I had moved some money whole other issue.) I wasn't talking to her because I didn't understand the 180. I said I just didn't want to talk. Then she accused me of being more interested in the kids now. I said no I'm just able to be mad at her and not take it out on the kids.

Still need to figure the time for the lawyer.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asking about every little thing, and repeating that you don't understand the 180 is frustrating.
I think what you really mean is that you are unwilling to do it.

Now I get that, we all struggle with it at first, & that's why there's so much insightful info @ it on here...

Simply, the 180 is about turning all your energy, thoughts, and actions into you.
Self-care.
Healing you.
And...

limiting your interactions with an unremorseful spouse.

I understand it is counter-intuitive at first exposure to the idea.
It also goes against lifelong conditioning - training to be there, and fix and serve our loved one's needs.

It is hard to do murph - but not because you don't understand it...


Posts: 6642 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Murph.

The most difficult thing for me turned out to be exactly what the 180 dictates - I wish so much that I had understood it better and applied it more forcefully.

The 180 doesn't mean that you have to be an asshole. If she asks you to pass a napkin - sure, here it is. You don't have to storm out of the house without explanation. Rather, "WW, I'm going out. See you later."

What it DOES do is ask for you to have the confidence in yourself to begin a world free of her... getting involved in interests and doing things that benefit YOU and YOUR future.

It can be daunting. Many of us (damn, it was ME) were so consumed with our wives (making them happy, doing things for them, being the nice guy, etc.) that we lost focus on the fact that we don't NEED our wives. THAT is the key take away from the 180. You CAN live without her. I recognize that it's difficult to come to that understanding - but it's true.

The confidence to be willing to lose you marriage in order to save it is a frightful proposition for the BS. The WS has already stared at the outlet for some time - but we never considered it before. Suddenly the chance of the marriage ending is thrust upon us and we're forced to make decisions that had never before been contemplated.

This is why, in the JFO forum, much of the message to the newly betrayed is to gain the confidence to establish the upper hand.

The amazing thing is that, so often, gaining the confidence that individuality holds brings the WS back off the cloud that the affair represents. Or, sometimes as important, it forces them to make a decision - something that shouldn't be underestimated. It's often said here that the worst thing is not the affair, it's living with an ongoing affair when it's 3 in the marriage.

Lastly, and MOST important, whether you reconcile or divorce, the 180 sets you up for being your own person - a better you - which is far more healthy regardless of what path the affair takes you.

Best of luck! You can do it!


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally want to do it. I thought it was about being cold and detached. But it's about putting me first. I'm sorry I'm the kind of person that questions what he is doing when he doesn't understand. I have read everything, multiple times and
I'm taking it to heart.
She asked if I wanted her to leave. I said whatever you want to do.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Murph, to me it was about a lot of things.

First it's about taking care of me. I realized early on that was one thing I didn't do. It was always about her. Always. I started doing what I wanted to do. She was a SAHM and we did everything together when I was off of work.

Me suddenly doing things without her mover her out of her comfort zone. It moved her way out. My wife had the "he will never leave me" belief in her head. Your wife is probably in the same place. Her asking "do you want me to leave" was really "I want him to tell me he wants me to stay". BTW you answered that correctly.

In the end I told my wife "you are free to do as you wish,I will support whatever you decide". I finally realized that no matter what happened I would be OK. I laid down the ground rules to staying married and laid the choice on her.

Things changed for my wife when I went up the road to wash the car. When I came back I was humming or whistling. This told her that I was ok when I wasn't around her. This SCARED her. It meant I was out of her "control".

The 180 was my tool to detach and take care of me. That is what allows you to objectively make those kinds of decisions.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength today, Murph. What can you do for yourself today? Doesn't have to be big. Go for a walk. Run an errand or two. Hit the gym. Walk the dog. See a movie you've been wanting to see...


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to do murph - but not because you don't understand it...

I'm just used to things being easy and when it's hard I assume I'm doing it wrong. Thanks for the encouragement.

Her asking "do you want me to leave" was really "I want him to tell me he wants me to stay". BTW you answered that correctly.

I'm see that and thanks for the encouragement.

Things changed for my wife when I went up the road to wash the car. When I came back I was humming or whistling. This told her that I was ok when I wasn't around her. This SCARED her. It meant I was out of her "control".

I'm having a blast with the kids because I'm free to be mad at her. She accused me of being interested in the kids now. I told her no it's because I don't have to take out my anger on them. I work from home, I see my kids all the time. I do things with them all the time. Now that the anger isn't getting in the way of being silly or worrying about annoying her, we are having a great time.

Sending you strength today, Murph.

Thank you. I need all the strength I can get.

What can you do for yourself today?

I'm hanging with my little girl today. We got her hair cut. We went to the park, pretended were geese. Now we are watching Kipper.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to echo what others have said about the 180.

I am guessing during your M you lost sight of the fact that you are your own person. You put your time and energy into your family, your M, and your wife. You gave up a big part of you for the "greater good". The 180 is about reclaiming who you are. It's not about punishing your wife or making her understand. It's about focusing on the things that make you happy. Do things with your children (like you already are), take up a hobby or activity you've put aside, go back to school if you have had that desire, reconnect with friends and family, spend time with people who bring you joy and enjoy being with you. Your WW will be angry, upset, make comments, act pissed, whatever. But right now its not about her feelings, its about yours. Get yourself to a healthy place so that you aren't so intertwined with her feelings. She can worry about herself. That doesn't mean you treat her badly. You can still be cordial, respectful, polite, etc. But she no longer runs the show with you. You are your own person, she needs to adjust herself accordingly. If at some point you feel she is remorseful and willing to value you as the individual you are, as well as respect the commitment you have made to one another, then you can let your guard down. But make her show you she wants that.

The thing is, she removed herself from the M by having an A. Now she wants to be right back in the same place she was like nothing ever happened. To me, when my WW did that she became just like any other person who I was not married to. I owed her nothing and she was not priviledged to have my heart until she was willing to prove that she wasn't going to take advantage of that again.

It's hard to know if you are "doing it right" or not. I don't know that there is a right or wrong way to do it. We each have our own unique relationships and you know it better than anyone. There will be trial and error. You are wading into uncharted waters so be easy on yourself. Go with your gut and do what you feel is the wisest thing for you.

I hope the appointment with your lawyer gives you some insight and helps to bring you some confidence to your situation.

Again, very sorry for what you are dealing with. You are not alone and we are right here if you need us.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Murph,

YOu are struggling to do what you feel is right, and fighting the reality of the situation, that she couldn't give 2 shits how you feel.

I always felt doing the 180 was too difficult. We had small kids, and I was never one to put myself first. But what I realized after my H kept breaking NC, was that if I didn't put me first, no one else was going to, and he didn't see the need to give me the respect I deserved, because I never demanded it.

180 is about you getting some strength and perspective, not manipulating her back to you. You have zero control over her choices, and presently she is choosing to not respect you, or own her actions.

See an attorney, Do NOT tell her you are going, just do it. Get a feel for things, and get answers to your rights, and what to expect should you need to head down that path.

Do get STD tested, and demand she does as well, if she wants to be with you.

You get to be in the drivers seat for this, all you have to is get in. If you don't she will drive all over you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You get to be in the drivers seat for this, all you have to is get in. If you don't she will drive all over you.

maddmurph,

Really take this to heart. tushnurse is right on with this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for being here I wouldn't be strong enough to do this.

In other news she made the MC appointment. Her sister is watching the kids so she can go. She also told her sister it's so we can go to counseling.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like we are going out with friends tomorrow night.

Meeting with the lawyer on Friday. Just need to keep moving.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hanging with my little girl today. We got her hair cut. We went to the park, pretended were geese. Now we are watching Kipper.
Awesome.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
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