I am also dealing with this same issue..My WH is un remorseful but he refuses to leave the house , I will need to force him out legally..I am not in a position to be able to do that at the moment and I am the one who wants to leave..I am getting my ducks in a row..I have already separated myself financially from him as much as possible.. We sleep in separate bedrooms, we live like roommates emotionally and financially..
If these un remorseful WS's refuse to leave the family home the least we can do is pull away mentally..
Take care of yourself and kiddos and let her fend for herself..
Kick WW out of the bedroom.. Remain civil or polite with her, but cease to do anything for her that shows that you care about her as a marriage partner..
Plan and carry on your own daily life and schedule without her being a factor in it.. For example if you are going to the park, WW doesn't need to know where you and the kids are going or what time you can be expected back home..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:04 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
She says it's the sex that's the problem.
Sorry you are going through this, murph. She can justify her bad behavior anyway she wants, but the real problem is her lack of character and integrity.
My issue is the kids. How do I protect them? How do I explain that mommy isn't going to be there?
As a child of divorce due to infidelity, you can't. The best you can do is be their safe place, their sounding board. Don't badmouth their mother but tell them the age appropriate truth. There will be damage to your children. Your wife has ensured that. The best you can do is to be their rock, to model upstanding behavior for them and to make sure they know that you love them.
How do I fix my marriage?
The cold, hard truth is that you can't, at least not right now. Your wife is broken and she is the one who broke your marriage. She has a ton of work to do to fix herself before the two of you can even begin to fix the marriage. You have power over you but not her. She needs to fix herself.
I don't want to just lawyer up. I don't want to lock her up either. How do I keep tabs on her?
Sometimes playing hardball is the only way to snap them out of it. She wants you in her life. She also wants to have an affair. She wants to eat cake. This is the part where you have the power to stop it. Either she stops her affair and works on fixing herself or you're gone. You aren't doing yourself or your kids any favors if you stay with her while she's disrespecting you like this and it sort of sounds like she's determined to keep doing it as long as she can.
If you're in the US, most states have a waiting period for divorce. It can be stopped at any time or dragged out if you want. Starting the process doesn't mean that you have to finish it but it does tell her that you're dead serious and that she has to either stop the affair and work hard to fix herself or lose you.
Unfortunately, trust has been broken here and you're probably in the position of playing detective for a while, just for the sake of your own mental health, whether you like it or not. She has to earn your trust back and even then, it would be wise to trust but verify from here on out.
You don't have to know everything right now. We all know how you feel but have had some time to gain clarity. For right now, just please trust me when I say that you will come to see the situation with more clarity over time.
In the case that you attempt R with WW , demand her cooperation in drafting and signing a post nup that works a settlement in your favor should she be caught in A and you guys S or D..
If there is a lack of cooperation on the part of your WW in signing a post nup or adhering to your other conditions of R, then make home life a little more difficult for your WW..
She should not be able to cake eat without paying dearly for it..
All that is in her comfy little family life at home with you is about to change as she knows it..
A good scenario of changes or consequences you can make happen for your WW as you await S or D or for your WW to come out of the fog could be the following....
WW suddenly finds that she has to return to work if she was a SAHM..All of a sudden she has to pay the household utilities or face them being turned off..If she wants a new cute dress or jeans or a haircut, she has to buy it with her own income, etc..
ETA: When the time comes I will not move out of the marital home without having my interest in it secured legally...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:57 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
I think this is one of the first things we as men ask ourselves. Like h0pless said, you don't. The first thing to realize is you didn't destroy it to begin with me. I'm sure she wants you to fix it, that would save her from having to do any work to fix herself. She blew it up, she does the work to put it back together. She has to prove to you that she can self examine and fix those problems within herself that lead to this. Otherwise you will never feel any semblance of safety with her again. If you do all the fixing all your doing is putting a poster over the hole in the wall. It might cover it up but eventually your ww is going to run head first into it and open the hole again.
As a side note to the kids, asking her to leave the house, and lawyer stuff. Do not ever leave your home. She leaves. From what I gather here on SI from those that have gone through custody battles, you leaving the house can be used as a forfeiture of rights when it come to the home and kids. Maybe someone with more experience here can chime in, but you do need to at least consult a lawyer if that's one of your worries which it sounds like you are.
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
I don't know how old your children are but it really depends on the age. Getting yourself and your kids into individual counseling (IC) may help answer those questions in an age appropriate way.
The marriage cannot move forward until both people in the marriage are willing to own their personal issues and work on them. Your wife has some work ahead of her before you can really focus on the marriage. And like others have said, at this point you don't. Your wife blew this up. Now she gets to collect the pieces and put it all back together. You get to sit back and watch her do it. She needs to prove to you she is a safe and honest person that you deserve. Only after that can you really start to address the marriage question. Affair first, marriage next.
I don't want to just lawyer up.
Meeting with a lawyer is to make sure you know your rights. You don't necessarily have to file anything right now if you don't want to. It's legal information you can have to help you navigate the decisions you have coming up in the near future. Sometimes filing gives the wayward spouse a does of reality of their actions. Sometimes it doesn't. You know your situation best. Do what you feel is right for you.
I don't want to lock her up either.How do I keep tabs on her?
We were just talking a little about this in the mens thread. You don't have to lock her up or keeps tabs on her. She made a choice to do what she did. Now she can choose to either make it right, or she can choose to continue on the way she has been. You can't control her, but you can control you. Observe her, see what her actions are. You know her well enough to know if you are getting authentic remorse or if she is playing games. Based on that you move forward in a way that is healthy for YOU and your children.
You'll hear all kinds of things come out of her mouth about how much she loves you, how she never wanted to hurt you or the kids, why can't you get over it, etc etc. It's all a smoke screen to get you off guard and take the focus off of her. Be vigilant, be focused, be observant. And even more importantly, be kind to yourself. Take some time to sort this out if you need to. Remember, this is about her screwed up choices, not you.
[This message edited by RyeBread at 2:59 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
I have decided on the terms that she will have to meet:
Zero contact with him.
I check her phone, email and facebook whenever I feel like it.
She goes to work and comes home on time.
She sets up date nights for us on a regular basis her choice at least once a month.
She either sets up counseling or we go through some sort of process.
If I find out about anyone else, we are done.
I think that's a good start. I'm also going to call a lawyer in the morning. I need to know my options.
When do I know when to let her back in?
[This message edited by maddmurph at 7:50 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
She doesn't want to he treated like a child and she fought me on my terms. She agreed in the end but then said it won't make a difference because nothing will change.
Unfortunately, it is rather common for WS to still be intent on minimizing consequences to themselves rather than looking at the effects of their actions on others. Some people get it right away, some people never do.
If you back down and accept anything less than what you have said, you will be the one who ends up paying for it. I agree that you should call her bluff. She doesn't "have" to do anything, but you have said what you will need to continue your relationship with her.
She agreed in the end but then said it won't make a difference because nothing will change.
Sorry man. If this isn't a deal breaker then what is? File for divorce and move on from this cake eater. You deserve better.
Look after yourself.
She stormed back down saying she hares herself. Hitting the wall and throwing the rice pack she had. I went down (of course) and she was bawling on the couch. I got her some water and a tissue. She just sobbed. Then it sounded like she was sleeping so I came back up.
The fact that she nonchalantly asked you to take her out after you confronted her with her adultery is mind-boggling. AYFKM??? She's trying to placate you.
You, your sex life, your marriage...are all innocent victims. SHE is the problem! She's blameshifting and continuing to lie and manipulate you. And until she OWNS that this is 1000% HER FAULT, then she doesn't get it.
180. See an attorney. Take care of yourself and your children.
You are being INCREDIBLY generous in offering her an opportunity to put on her big girl pants, take responsibility for her actions and choose appropriately ways to undo the catastrophic damage she has CHOSEN to inflict on you and your family.
I think the 180 is really called for here, murph. She needs to own her poop and quit the blameshifting victim-speak. And you probably need to keep your distance (at least emotionally) cuz this is still so raw for you, it is hard to not get sucked in to the manipulations.
Take care of YOU.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Get a lawyer and see what your options are.
Once again, I wish you well.
She stormed back down saying she hares herself. Hitting the wall and throwing the rice pack she had. I went down (of course) and she was bawling on the couch.
As the others said - take care of you and your kids. Stay firm. The tantrum can't last forever - she is going to have to make some choices to grow up or leave - HER choices.
You are reeling and she is playing the victim, soon she will bring your children into "the conversation" and use them as pawns to see if she can make you do as she wishes.
What might be VERY helpful for you is to please read about the 180 and follow it. It'sin the Healing Library (yellow box to the left of the screen), under BS FAQ, #11.
She's not leaving, she's leaving, she wants to go out, she's sobbing like a wounded little girl--all this is to see what works on you, and to buy her time to make an exit plan that will serve her best.
I'm so sorry!
[This message edited by stronger08 at 2:26 AM, October 11th (Friday)]