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Newest Member: Dragonfly111502 (45331)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I confronted her this morning.
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm bumping some threads to the top of JFO for you.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
integritymatters
♀ Member
Member # 23681
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After Dday many a WS behaves irratically with thought processes that are totally illogical. Often times referred to on here as "The Fog"

IC for me was a savior. My IC explained that in her opinion affairs had less to do with love and sex and more to do with power & control. During an affair a WS & AP experience extreme "highs" of control and feelings of "power". Deception/secrecy ensures you have knowledge that others do not. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is control. After discovery that power/control is ripped away and frequently the WS and/or AP are like a wild animal "cornered" and "fight/flight" survival instincts kick in. You will see ridiculous and somewhat bizarre behaviour and thought processes from them. She quoted Dr. Phil in saying "They aren't thinking straight. When a person makes choices to fix their situation that make their situation worse... They aren't thinking straight" That doesn't mean that what they are doing/saying/behaving is "ok". What it does mean is that you are not dealing with the person you know them to be. YOU have to make changes if you want to see change. You cannot continue to react in known or predicted patterns if you want change. You may not be able to determine a reconcilled, happily ever after marital recovery and "saved" family, but you CAN prevent the circle of wash/rinse/repeat by interrupting the patterns.

Some advice I was given while in your shoes. I would keep little cue cards of these things and pull them out and grab what I needed when I needed. Sometimes I would have to quickly exit the situation to pull them out and then go back "armed" with my new "controlled" wisdom... But they DO WORK when dealing with a fogged WS during the early bizzarre days of post discovery...

SELF ASSURING PHRASES

I'm an adult.
Yelling can't destroy me.
I can stand how I'm feeling.
I don't have to make it better or fix things.
He's/She's responsible for his behaviour, not me.
He's/She's behaving like a spoiled child.
He's/She's out of control.
His/Her behaviour is not o.k.
His/Her behaviour has little to do with me.

DO'S AND DON'Ts OF DEALING WITH CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR

Dont' make life decisions.
Don't tell him/her off.
Don't tell him/her how I feel. They don't care, they only care about them.
Don't try and make him/her see.
Don't apologize.
Don't plead.
Don't cry.
Don't argue.
Don't defend.
Don't yell.
Don't threaten.

Don't say:
I'm sorry
Is this OK?
Do you agree?
Do you like this?

Do say:
This is what I think
This is what I believe
This is what I will do
This is what I will not do.
This is what I want

SELF EMPOWERING THINGS TO SAY

It is not okay for you to talk to me this way.

It is not okay fory you to treat me this way.

Screaming isn't going to work anymore.

This is one time you can't intimdate me.

I know that this has always worked before, but I want you to know that it's not going to work anymore.

I will not stand here and be screamed at.

I will discuss this topic with you when you've calmed down.

I will not accept being put down by you.

People who care about me don't treat me this way.

You've controlled me with this behaviour in the past but I want you to know that that's over.

I'm not the same person I used to be.


I dropped my toast this morning and it landed butter side up! It's going to be a good day. :)

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just asked to look at her phone and she got pissed. I mean seriously. She's still hiding something. That lawyer needs to call me back.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK straight up panicking. I need to know what my rights are and I need to get into a counselor.

She has both kids right now.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
integritymatters
♀ Member
Member # 23681
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you mean, she has the kids? Is she still living at home with you?


I dropped my toast this morning and it landed butter side up! It's going to be a good day. :)

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you mean, she has the kids? Is she still living at home with you?


Sorry it means that both kids are with her. She lives at home, but she is picking up my son from school. She took our daughter with her. I really think if I push too hard she will take off with them.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
integritymatters
♀ Member
Member # 23681
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can't "take off" with them. Well, physically she can but that's kidnapping and she'll be committing a felony. Not good for her.

You mention "holiday weekend" would it be safe to assume you are Canadian?


I dropped my toast this morning and it landed butter side up! It's going to be a good day. :)

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada
integritymatters
♀ Member
Member # 23681
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are Canadian, I possibly could send you a link to a good IC who will take emergency calls.


I dropped my toast this morning and it landed butter side up! It's going to be a good day. :)

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She can't "take off" with them. Well, physically she can but that's kidnapping and she'll be committing a felony. Not good for her.

I'm not sure she cares.

You mention "holiday weekend" would it be safe to assume you are Canadian?

Nope. American. Hooray Columbus Day! America celebrating inaccurate holidays since 1776.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calm down brother.

I'm not sure she cares.

Do you fear for their safety if she does it? If so, the instant you get confirmation, notify the police, it IS a felony. Also the BEST thing she could do if/when it comes time to award custody. Judges like to keep children in the 'family' home in times like this. The problem is, what if she goes to her parents and claims she was in fear of you. Watch your ass.

Invest in a VAR(voice activated recorder) for all of your dealings with her. A charge of illegally recording her would be a lot better than having to fight a false DV charge. Several of us here have experience with that. I was one of the *lucky* ones. I found out that she was trying to have me removed ex partee meaning I couldn't even testify on my own behalf. When I actually found out and requested a hearing, the only charge she could come up with was that I had left the oven on overnight thereby endangering her and the kids. Without the hearing though, her request would have been granted first and the hearing would not have occurred for another 6 months. The whole time, primary custody would have been hers and judges don't change the status quo easily.
Anyway, keep calm. Be very deliberate in your actions with her. Make it absolutely clear that transparency is critical before any type of R can even be contemplated.

Just curious, do her parents know?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2979 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. American. Hooray Columbus Day! America celebrating inaccurate holidays since 1776.

HA! At least your sense of humor is still intact. Hang in there. I hope this all works out for you.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get more sarcastic when I'm mad.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got home from work and wanted to ask you how you were doing? Are your kids home with you? Hang in there. This shit tends to get worse before it gets better. But it DOES get better.

Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm alright. Talked to a lawyer. Made an appointment with an ic. We are at her sister's because her parents are in town. I'm laughing and having a good time.

I didn't think I would make it through yesterday let alone today. Thank you all.

Thanks for checking on me.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get sarcastic too.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, just to point out the 'swearing' on stuff...it means nothing to them.

Mine laid her hand on a Bible and swore there had only been one man she had screwed around with. It turned out later there was a #2. Liars lie because they fear being exposed for what they are - liars.

Looks like she planning a girls night out next week. What do I do about that? I want to tell her not to go.

Are you frickin' kidding me? Yeah honey, you can go out with the girls every night from now on if you want because I'm divorcing your selfish a$$ if you go.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I brought her phone upstairs. It's charging next to mine. My heart is pounding. Straight adrenalin. It could get interesting.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She came up to know when my IC appointment was so she could make our MC appointment. I said it's Tuesday and it's on the calendar. Then wanted to know if I wanted a man or woman. I said I don't care you pick.

Didn't say anything about the phone. As much as I would love to think she is telling the truth, I'm sure she isn't so now I need a new way to keep tabs on her texts. That's not illegal.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who's your carrier? I have Sprint and the bill isn't very detailed but I know other carriers have better info there. Watch out for apps with a chat feature. Those won't show up on the bill.

Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have Virgin. No detail on the bill. All her apps go through my account. I see those. All good there.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Topic Posts: 113
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