She's hiding something.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I did give myself a haircut which is something I normally ask her to do. Slipped and had to trim my beard too but worth it I think.
So I keep thinking about her not getting any texts from him. Now I'm guessing it's because she is deleting them before I can see them or told him to not to send anything or she is deleting them before i can see them. The other thing is that before this week there was a five month gap.
180. How do I know I'm doing it right but not being a jerk?
The 180 is more of a shift in focus..
Instead of putting her needs or goals above yours do the opposite..
Hypothetical example here:
If you gave up pursuing a degree to give yourself more time to support or further WW's career, now is the appropriate time to make the priority of getting your own degree more important than supporting her in getting hers..KWIM?
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:44 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]
I get it, because I'm compassionate to that point too. Hate seeing people upset, even if it's their responsibility that they're upset. I've had to learn that me cushioning my WH's emotions and 'solving' problems for him has actually done him harm, even when I was doing it to be nice. It meant he never had to deal with his stuff. That set him back, not forward.
Start letting her feel the emotion and consequences of her actions or she'll never have that opportunity to change. Also dig and look up things as you've started to do already - if your gut is screaming and you need to listen to it.
Ignore her like she doesn't exist. Why be nice and considerate to your destroyer??
It's not logical.
Kids and finances only.
Get your own towel...your own coffee. Avoid her like the plague!
Let her see what life is like without you being a loving husband...she fired you from that job, 'member
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
GettingToHappy is right, she will mistake your 'niceness' for 'weakness' (and more control for her.) Treat her very casually, like you would an acquaintance.
I don't consider this to be 'mean' at all. During his A, my H lied and denied to me to the point that I thought I was going to go mad, he spent money that belonged to US on his nasty f*fests with the mow, he was hateful, cruel, and deceitful beyond belief. Now THAT is MEAN, and heartless.
Let her hit rock-bottom alone, it's the only way she MAY come to a turnaround in her mind.
I've been at SI for 8 years and read thousands of stories. So many BS's (in their shocked and panicked state of JFO, myself included) think it's something they did wrong. And most of them try and be extra nice to their WS. I have NEVER seen one time where that was a successful strategy.
When you detach and 180 them, it changes the whole atmosphere. If WS is going to leave, that is what they will do anyway, so you have nothing to lose, and possibly everything to gain by doing the 180.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:26 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]
Definitely one of those times when I wish there was someone to talk to face to face.
It doesn't work that way. There is nothing---and I mean NOTHING---that can justify her behavior....even if you were a poor husband. You have to accept that there is something very wrong with your WW to make the decisions that she has made. That is no cop-out to our behaviors, and contributions to a less than stellar marriage---it is simply putting responsibility where it rightfully belongs.
Prior to this, I am sure that you both had shortcomings in your marriage. She then blew it up in its entirety. This is what needs to be addressed first, without anything else getting in the way. You can let her know that if she is fully committed, and wants to try to save the marriage, then you are all in. But anything less, and you are all out. There is your need for the 180--a detachment tool that breaks you from your very own fog that you are currently in.
And let me tell you---when you can look at your current situation with some emotional distance from your WW, you will see things in an ENTIRELY different light. This is your end goal---your well-being. Whether it is as a team with your committed WW, or on your own with an unremorseful one, you need to get to a better emotional state.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
She told me this morning she called and left a message for the MC. Said she left the house and her cell numbers. If talk to them make the appointment for Thursday or Saturday. I said "OK". In my mind thinking, "I'm not talking to them, you need to do that."
Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?
It's very easy to forgive and push it away mentally cause then you feel a little better cause you aren't in such termoil but the wounds are still there. I know. This is the 5th time for me. I think I better start thinking of myself. You probably should also.
I was stupid to think I was getting through.
Have you read "Understanding the 180"?
I'll find it and bump it to page one.
What you want to do is find a base-line for yourself.
Be busy, be engaged in things outside your wife's sphere, be it sport, the garden, helping friends or family... anything but moping, not hanging around to check on her, let her see you getting on with life.
Make sure you shower and shave every morning, dress nicely, look like you've got plans, and then find something to do, even if it's just going out for a coffee by yourself. If she asks you, just say "I've got stuff to do".
As for the normal little niceties that you'd do... coffee, towels... nope, sorry, you need to retrain yourself not to do that, I know it's hard, I know it goes against your natural instincts, but you need to be strong here.
Unfortunately, infidelity is one time when the nice guy almost never wins.
If she speaks to you, limit answers to monosyllables, yes, no, okay....
She needs to see the consequences of her actions, there's always consequences.
Get to that lawyer, ASAP, knowledge is power, power is attractive, and you need to shift the dynamics of your relationship. You also need to know what to expect should this all go completely south.
You're doing great in a situation you should have never found yourself in. Remember that none of this is your fault, I don't care what she says. Stay Strong.