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User Topic: Minimizing and his "junk". Possible tmi
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday Wh and I were going to lunch together, the car in front of us was stopped and they were waving and yelling us by...they were women that my WH works with. He started giggling like a school girl while these two girls were smiling. ok i shrugged it off. We got into the place where were eating and they almost ran into him around the corner - he said to them "Hey what are you trying to do block me in?" All were smiling. I got onto him after about how he was flirting, and that he needs to try and not be "Overly" nice because maybe his overdone nice nature will promote the idea to women he works with that he is open to flirting and maybe open to an affair. He accused me of being "mean" to him when i said that. I also pointed out that these girls are good friends with the SLUT HORSE FACE HOMEWRECKER. I dont feel comfortable with that. He argued that they have never mentioned the slut to him or talked about her and they havent done him any wrong so he wasnt going to be mean.

We fought over it. He said I was being mean and I need to realize he has feelings too. Ok...Im willing to admit maybe I am a bit "sensitive" and may overreact to him being nice and interpreting it as flirting....


BUT THEN

that evening...we were showering together and i was...grabbing...his "junk" and looking at it, and all of a sudden had a trigger. I let go of it and he could tell. He asked me what was wrong...i said nothing and tried to dismiss it. He kept asking, so i told him that sometimes when i see his junk or hold it I remember that he slept with someone else, and it was inside of her. It hurts. Does anyone else trigger when they see their WS's "junk". I do a lot.

Instead of handling the situation by being supportive and loving...he said "well somtimes when we have sex I remember that you had sex with your ex husband and had a baby and she is in the other room".

I told him that was different because it was before "US", and in the past that he had an ex. But the SLUT was while we were together and it wasnt the same. He pointed out "YES EXACTLY the PAST" referring to the A 10 months ago. We got into it a little but let it drop.

My aunt said that she thinks he was trying to reach for something, and knew I was right but didnt have anything else to come back and turn the situation around on me (which is his MO).

Am i crazy...its not the same? And do you agree that he was trying to turn the blame around? Surely he is smart enough to KNOW that Iw as right.

Later he randomly thanked me for making dinners all the time for him and our family...so was this a brief moment of remorse?

I dont know...


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not the same at all. I think your aunt was right.


Together 14 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please. There was no betrayal when you were with XH. He's being absurd.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit on the ex husband and daughter comment. I would have flipped out at that. He CHOSE to get married to you knowing you had a child. How DARE he say something like that. I'd be FUMING mad. WOW. Just...wow. If he couldn't handle it, then WHY did he get involved? Just WOW.

As for his interactions with the women? INAPPROPRIATE. Completely. Being rude is a far cry from flirting and acting like a 13 year old around them. There is no reason for him to engage with them on a personal level at ALL.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry about the trigger.

I would not be happy with the flirtation and to me that would be a deal breaker especially if they are friends of OW. That is just not how a married man acts. I wouldn't be able to let that rest.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless you were a virgin, you had men previous to him. Just like the rest of us.
He is trying to turn this around on you and that is B.S.!

Remind him that we are all adults and previous relationships are not to be mixed with infidelity!
If he wanted a virgin than he needed to be one himself. Once you guys got together the past was just that!

Don't let him trap you with this BS!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 8:51 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not the same at all. Like the others said he is turning it around on you. Not right at all.

I also think you have every right to be concerned about his flirting. A married man, especially one that has already had an A, has no business flirting with other women. Many people can flirt harmlessly but when they've shown they are willing to take it farther, I feel they lose that "right". It's sort of like drinking, it's all about moderation and some people just do not know how to be responsible drinkers so IMO they shouldn't drink at all.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
sunshine226
♀ Member
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is 100% WRONG

He can't compare your past relationship to his, they are totally different. Yours were before you were with him, his wasn't so they aren't even in the same ballpark!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flirting or being mean? Those are the only 2 options he sees?

They just don't get it do they. My WH is friendly too, and it is viewed by some as flirty and now that he has been cheating on me, all woman think he's fair game

I don't trust him and I don't trust other women anymore either, because looking back on some of them, I can easily see them going after him, regardless of him having a wife and kids.

Current OW was in the dark about me and the truth of our relationship until I filled her in, but yet that didnt stop her

Your WH needs to understand that his behaviour is no longer appropriate because he crossed the line and he needs to realize that!!!!!


Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is nowhere near remorseful.

For him to be joking and acting silly around female coworkers, especially ones that KNOW the OW, is just downright wrong.

My H has a great personality, and is always joking around with people; men, women, children, animals, lol, whatever. It has taken him eons to learn that it is alright in most situations, but NOT alright with females. Ever. It's fine to be pleasant. And certainly don't be rude, but DON'T encourage any sort of a 'playful' relationship with other women. HE IS A MARRIED MAN! And married men DO NOT 'play' with women other than their wives.

I must tell you about a man I know. He was actually my boss many many years ago. He was without a doubt the kindest, most honorable, man I have ever known. He simply exuded an air of honor if that's even possible. He was always completely above board in his job, he was kind but firm. He was certainly not without humor, but never said one word that could be construed as double entendre. He was calm, he was fair, he was honest, and he spoke kindly about his wife and family and always made it clear that they were his primary concerns.

HE, through his behavior, set the bar, set the standard, for the way he was viewed, and interacted with by others. And those around him improved their standards of behavior simply by being in his presence.

And in all these years, I have never met another man like him.

I would encourage you to encourage your H to become 'a better man', as I have encouraged my H to become a better man. And instead of being the silly jokester goofball in the office, become the man we could all respect.

IMO, this:

he said "well somtimes when we have sex I remember that you had sex with your ex husband and had a baby and she is in the other room".
Was extremely passive aggressive, and downright cruel. Your H sounds very very immature.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7099 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not the same at all. Like the others said he is turning it around on you

and,

Your WH needs to understand that his behaviour is no longer appropriate because he crossed the line and he needs to realize that!!!!!


D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 107 | Registered: Sep 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heartbroken)))

He is behaving like a selfish little boy.

First the flirting is poor boundaries, he knows he cheated, and you don't trust him. If he wants this thing to work he should be doing every thing that you ask, as far as it helping you to heal from his infidelity, and if behaving like a flirt is something that you don't like, then he should be more than happy to stop it.

Instead he tells you, that you are mean? WTF? Well yah your a whore. Would have been my response. You see my point, he is trying to be dismissive with you, and not allowing you give your feelings worth, UNACCEPTABLE!!!!

As far as his shower comment, I would have spray shampoo in his eyes. Inexcusable, justification. He was really reaching, and even he couldn't conjur something plausable.

Next time, if there is a next time, he likens his A to your prior M, you need to stop him in his tracks, and remind him that his A took place after he signed a contract with you, stating he would be faithful, honest, support you, and not F other women. If he quesitons that, tell him that is what a M liscence is it's a contract that he signed commiting to his M and you.

He is behaving abhorently. I would really be tempted to pull some real hardline treatment on him. 180 - with expectations of how he needs to treat you and behave at the ready when he figures out that you are withdrawing.

I am angry for you.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8708 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else trigger when they see their WS's "junk". I do a lot.

Yes, I do. I even trigger sometimes when I look at her mouth. It's getting easier as time goes by.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken2012,

You are uncomfortable with his behavior, and told him you see it as flirting. It does not matter what these women have done or not done. You were uncomfortable with his behavior, you told him, it is on him to show that your feelings are important to him. You perceived him flirting, our perceptions are reality to each of us, and you certainly have cause to be sensitive in this area.

Same with the shower incident. You triggered and shared, his responsibility is to own it, not to blameshift or project.

Thank ing you for fixing meals was nice, but very different from him owning his issues and his behaviors. Better than a thankyou for fixing meals would have been to apologize for arguing with you when you shared your fears at lunch and in the shower, apologizing for creating a situation where you have these fears, and thanking you for giving him the opportunity to rebuild your trust and love.

Has he done any IC about his A issues? Has he read and discussed any of the A books like Not Just Friends or Sexual Detours with you?


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
allusions
♀ Member
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The PAST is still the PRESENT until all of the issues are dealt with.

Posts: 305 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so freaking mad for you!

Regarding the flirting. There is a difference between being friendly and flirting. Being friendly is, "hi, how are you? This is my beautiful wife HB. WE are going out for lunch now. Have a nice day."

The baby thing?! Really?! He does know that he basically said he sometimes looks at her with disgust. Next time tell him that every time you see his face it reminds you that it touched his mom's vagina and you don't want to kiss it.

He is not remorseful what so ever.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy hell, I'd have a real hard time with this

had a baby and she is in the other room"

Flippant remarks about your daughter?
WTH? That would have put me right over the edge.

Anyway, saying "Thank you" is good manners, common courtesy...definitely not remorse.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow, such cruelty. What a bastard.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He argued that they have never mentioned the slut to him or talked about her and they havent done him any wrong so he wasnt going to be mean.
We fought over it. He said I was being mean and I need to realize he has feelings too.

This is one of the biggest fights H and I have had and still sometimes have.

So and so is flirting with him. He argues that she is just being nice, and that he isn't going to be mean/rude to that person.

*eye roll*

Being professional with someone you work with is not being mean. If someone is trying to flirt with him- he doesn't need to call her a hoe and yell in her face. He doesn't even need to tell her upfront that he is married and doesn't want to flirt (I can understand how that would be awkward). BUT, he can choose not to flirt back (ie, not acting all giggly, distancing himself, etc...). He CAN choose to change the subject to something work related. He CAN choose not to giggle like a school girl and play games in the car.

sometimes when i see his junk or hold it I remember that he slept with someone else, and it was inside of her. It hurts.

Yes, it is common for sex to be a trigger because he had sex with someone else.

"well somtimes when we have sex I remember that you had sex with your ex husband and had a baby and she is in the other room"

THIS.

I would have shit a brick, I'm not kidding.

He knew about your relationship and your daughter before you ever got married.

You had a daughter and an ex before him ever knowing him.

How DARE he compare his disrespectful cheating on you to you daring to have a life before meeting him?

He pointed out "YES EXACTLY the PAST" referring to the A 10 months ago

You are right- this is NOT THE SAME.

You (and he both) had ex's, and pasts before you met each other. That is NOT THE SAME as his decision to cheat on you during your marriage. Yes, 10 months ago is the past, but the two had nothing to do with one another and he is simply reaching, and trying to make you feel guilty because he does.

This is completely absurd. I am SO sorry.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



We fought over it. He said I was being mean and I need to realize he has feelings too. Ok...Im willing to admit maybe I am a bit "sensitive" and may overreact to him being nice and interpreting it as flirting....

The reason you're uneasy about this is not because he had an affair, but because his behavior is inappropriate for a married man, period! This giggling and flirting he's doing is advertising his poor boundaries. People without interpersonal boundaries are affairs waiting to happen. Today it's giggling and advertising that he's available (which is what he was doing with the coworkers) and tomorrow it's step 2, 3 and 4 of the affair process. The fact that he was doing this in front of you means that he's not only lacking boundaries, but lacking respect for you as well.

Allowing your spouses to flirt with others in front of your face is not "respecting his feelings" - it's implicitly telling him that his lack of boundaries is ok, or that you're willing to let your marriage be damaged repeatedly. No way.


Am i crazy...its not the same? And do you agree that he was trying to turn the blame around? Surely he is smart enough to KNOW that Iw as right.

You weren't triggered and upset because he's had sex with someone else before you in his lifetime - you were triggered because he had a secret affair with someone and lied to you and hid it from you while you were married, taking your ability to make good decisions for yourself away from you. He LIED about it.

He married you with all the knowledge he needed to keep himself, his body, his health and his emotions safe. He knew you were married before him, he knew you had a child. Those things were open to him as they should be in an intimate romantic relationship. He had all the knowledge he needed to walk away if those things were unacceptable to him.

His affair was held in secret, and he took away your ability to keep yourself, your heart and your health safe, and he took away any choice you had to participate in a 3 way relationship. He didn't present it to you "I'm effing some coworker in the parking lot behind work and we're not wearing condoms and I'm texting her pictures of my junk! Do you want to get married knowing that I'm doing this?" -- did he? Because if he didn't, then there's no comparison to the fact that you were married before you met him.

And thanking you for dinner isn't remorse, and would IMO fit the bare minimum for polite kindness.


Posts: 3193 | Registered: Mar 2005
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That he has you worrying about whether or not your PAST relationships are the same as his RECENT cheating means that he successfully deflected you. He did NOT own his shit. You shared something truthful and painful with him - that seeing his junk triggers that he had it inside of someone else while married to you - and instead of helping you with the trigger AND owning that pain, he crassly flipped it around on you.

That, plus the very obvious boundary issues with the female coworkers earlier today, would show me that he had a lot of work to do yet. He's not quite getting it.

I'm so sorry.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
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