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User Topic: Minimizing and his "junk". Possible tmi
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clearly he still has poor boundaries,based on the way he interacts with his female coworkers. telling you that you are being "mean" is bullshit. He just doesn't like to be called on his shitty behavior.

What he said about your DD...that actually made my mouth drop open. What a shitty thing to say. I agree with TCD..he is telling you he looks at your DD with disgust..she is a reminder that you had sex with another man..which is nowhere near the same thing as his affair. What he said was beyond ridiculous and cruel.

You have mentioned many times that the OW always seems to be leaving at the same time as your WH..so much so that often her car is right behind his,or his right behind hers...and she continues to stare you down..I don't know,heartbroken2012, but something about all of this has sounded fishy for quite awhile now. I've been hesitant to ask..but considering all of this..and his unremorseful behavior..and that you have said you're going to stop bringing it up because it causes you more pain(because of his unremorseful and shitty response to your pain)..and the fact that he has done very,very little to repair the damage he caused..or even look at himself and work on his issues...I think you need to stare investigating...it sounds like this affair never stopped.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:35 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7137 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man HB2012, that has got to be so hard. My heart goes out to you.
My H has/had boundary issues (obviously) and definitely mistook flirting for "friendly", we have been working on this a lot and he is getting it now. In fact, he now can look back and see how absolutely terrible his boundaries use to be, but it's not been easy. Some people really need to feel liked by everyone and this over-friendliness is their way of accomplishing that. It is unnecessary, hurtful and just plain wrong.

When I told a friend about an incident post-dday of my H talking to another woman when I was there she gave me some advice that really hit home for him. She suggested having him really focus on wooing me, pretending every outing was a first date and that his sole focus was on making me feel special and loved. It seemed to make more sense to my H than it did to me for whatever reason.

I hope your H "gets it" soon because living with the sort of things you've mentioned would be hell.

:(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I dont think he is getting it. He is a master at not taking blame for anything, and always turning blame around on EVERYTHING.

And he tells me that I think everything is flirting, but Im glad that others here believe that it was inappropriate and confirms that I am NOT crazy. I think that any female he works with he should be stand offish to them, and he seems to not have that approach.

I have been told by others that know about the A, to let him flirt because if he will cheat again..there is nothing I can do to stop it.

He doesnt seem to get what he did and how bad it was. He refuses IC or MC.

My family seems to think there is a good chance he will do it again BECAUSE he is not owning what he did and not figuring out why he did it...and still blaming me. They say let him flirt and continue to have poor boundaries, because if he does it again...I will know or find out...and that will be a deal breaker.

I just wish he was reacting like some of the WS on here that I read about...true remorse...



BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I will start investigating a little. One thing I can think of is getting off work a little early and instead of waiting for him to pick me up...walking to his car without him knowing and just see if they are parking near each other, if they talk...etc.

There has been no contact that I can tell, and he meets me for every break and every lunch...and he works in a completely different section of work...so I have a hard time figuring out when there would even be a chance?

He leaves his phone out and email and there has been full transparency.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 544 | Registered: Jan 2013
Clint
♂ Member
Member # 11711
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you on the "junk" thing. After her affair, I couldn't even bear to see her naked, so the solution was simple. No more being naked around me, period. We weren't having sex after dday, so it wasn't a hard thing to do. That sensation will wear away over time, so don't feel bad about it.

Posts: 3430 | Registered: Aug 2006
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. The phrase he used about blocking him in is out of line for a mm that cheated

2. His bringing an innocent child into an arguement in a negative way makes him a bastard (sorry. Its how I feel).

3. His cheating on you while you are married is NOT the same as you having a relationship pre-him.

4. I used to adore wh's "business". Now? Meh. (Shoulder shrug).

Yep, he is trying to turn it on you. Make it seem as you, too, roll in the muck with a pig. I, too, have been told various versions.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I will start investigating a little. One thing I can think of is getting off work a little early and instead of waiting for him to pick me up...

Why?

1) You already know that he is unrepentant as a cheat. 2) He is more interested in not being wrong or at fault than healing his relationship with you. 3) He is not interested in healing/changing himself.

because if he does it again...I will know or find out...and that will be a deal breaker.

why wait? Is your relationship with him now so good that you would be happy with the status quo so long as he did not have another PA? Instead of following him around, what can you do to secure yourself to be able to leave or stay and be financially and emotionally safe regardless?

best wishes,

--Ats


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4083 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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