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User Topic: Why can't I pull the trigger?
sparklezombie
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh is a serial cheater. He's been with 10-11 women during our marriage. He has also carried on a three year affair with one roman in our town, ea and pa. We've separated twice before. Each time he asked me to come back. I never went crawling to him.

This last time of dd has been rough. He has given me trickle truth. I dont trust him. He says he wants to work it out, that he realizes what a mistake it was, etc. but I don't feel true remorse from him.

And yet, I can't pull the trigger. My ic told me to think about why I can't follow through on my boundaries, why I didn't follow through and make him leave the house. And I don't really know why. Change is hard. Giving up my lifestyle and the dream of what I wanted my family to be is hard. I posted earlier this week about feeling as though I live a life of quiet desperation. And I do. I feel like I'm dying inside a bit more every day. And yet it's still hard to find the courage to make him leave.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a great story that someone posted here a while back.

A man walking down the street encountered folks sitting on their porch and a dog lying on the porch whining and groaning.

He asked the folks why the dog was acting that way . . .

"Because he's lying on a nail" they replied.

"Why doesn't he get up?" the man asked.

"Because it's not hurting bad enough" they replied. . . . .

There could be many reasons.

You dont want to be alone

You still have denial that the could have done this to you.

You still think that he can change.

You are scared of change, of trying again, of building a new life.

Fear is a powerful motivator. It can motivate into action, or it can motivate you in to inaction.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he wants to work it out, that he realizes what a mistake it was, etc. but I don't feel true remorse from him

I think that you want to believe him because as you said later on of

Giving up my lifestyle and the dream of what I wanted my family to be is hard.

Changing a dream is very difficult. It sounds like you need some time to see either a true change and remorse or continued false promises.

There comes a point when you realize that you aren't happy as things are. That the lifestyle isn't going to make you happy. Then you'll be able to pull the trigger. If you are not there yet then definitely do what your IC has asked. Also if you haven't set out your boundaries and watch to see if WH is continually breaking them.

When I was struggling in a similar stage to yours. I soon found that her words gave me hope and that I was forgetting about her actions. It took to putting down my boundaries and each day seeing how she was doing in not crossing them. What I had found out is that she was repeatedly crossing them to her whim and then would attempt to use words to placate me. I realized how good of a manipulator she was. From then on things became clearer for me.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52681 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your profile and if its still current, you did say you were thinking of moving in with your daughter. Could you do that one step? Move in with her. It doesn’t have to be permanent, you don’t have make all the decisions at once “what will I do…finances..living arrangements” Moving in with your daughter doesn’t mean you’ll get a divorce, it means you’re moving in with your daughter for a while.

Sometimes when we get overwhelmed with the whole big picture – we don’t do anything at all.

You talk about your dreams of what you want your family to be – is this what you’re living now – your dream? Maybe examine again – what is your dream now? Maybe it’s a new one – and a new one, or a change – doesn’t have to be a bad thing at all.

I hope I helped in some small way –your post really touched me.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happens if you ask yourself a different question:

What do you need to enable you to assert your boundaries?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
sparklezombie
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been thinking this afternoon. Part if my issue is that I haven't been an awesome and loving wife who always filled his love bank. And I feel guilty. I've never cheated but I've been distant, mean, snarky etc. I think I feel like I have a hand in the demise of our marriage and therefore feel guilty and feel the need to stick in and fix it.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
sparklezombie
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also hate seeing his pain. It makes me uncomfortable and I back down from my boundaries. I don't like that . It makes it hard to stand up for myself


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never cheated but I've been distant, mean, snarky
Who wouldn't be if this was going on:
He's been with 10-11 women during our marriage
I don't feel true remorse from him.
It would be different if you felt he had true remorse. I could understand you feeling guilty for not giving him a chance, but you feel he doesn't have true remorse. You feel like he really isn't sorry?

Dr. Phil says people don't do things unless they are getting a pay off. Can you maybe figure out what your payoff is and then see that the payoff you are getting isn't worth the price you are paying?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also hate seeing his pain. It makes me uncomfortable and I back down from my boundaries. I don't like that . It makes it hard to stand up for myself
I feel this last post explains a lot. It sounds to me like you have some big co-dependency issues. Has your IC brought this up? And, if so, what is she having you do to stop your co-dependency?
I also hate seeing his pain.
This is/was so much like me. I was the great healer of all pain to everyone in my family. I feel I am somehow responsible for healing everyone's pain. It. Isn't. My. Job. Or. Yours.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a minute I had to check the user name, thought this was something I posted and didn't remember. I get it. My ic asked me why my ws feelings were more important than mine, when I said, I know when I make him leave he's going to be sad and lonely. She asked me, aren't you sad and lonely? I've always made sure others felt good at my own expense. I'm not complaining, its just what I've done. I figure I can handle it better I guess. It makes me so uncomfortable to confront someone, I would rather be miserable, so I guess that's why I havent pulled the trigger either. I know I will regret the time I've wasted doing this and my ic is trying to help me get my voice. It's very difficult and something some people don't understand. I wish I was one of those
women that refused to put up with bullshit and asserted myself..but I'm not. I just keep hoping he will leave so I don't have to push him out. I'm sure he knows this and that's why he does it. I just wanted you to know, your not alone.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 10

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