Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Bersey (43222)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question to possibly start things off.

How do we know that the LTA we found out about was the only one?

Wouldnt the natural response of a WS if asked if there were other LTAs be to lie? Especially if they had gotten away with it and there was no way of proving that anything went on.

WW was quite a busy girl when we met. And after M had LOTS of inappropriate relationships with men she worked with. I complained allot about these but she always put me off saying I was too jealous and seeing things that werent there.

Not that it matters much now. Unless of course my kids are not really mine. Still tho I wonder.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

best of luck SDWB,
I've been looking for a job myself, so good luck for us both!


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

Tough question, no good answer.

I guess that's why we look for remorse, transparency, etc. Looking for big behavior change that suggests they're serious about the straight and narrow.

But, you never know, and have to somehow get OK with that. BTW, even D won't fix this problem now that women cheat about as much as men. A new model might have the same manufacturing defect as the first one.

My WW made it clear that she was never, ever going to volunteer a single thing and only confirm what I already knew with a Yes or No answer. So I had to decide, was she hiding more bad things that mattered, or was she just suffering from enough toxic shame that's all I was going to get.

After a fair amount of detective work and triangulation I decided it was the latter. But, I also had to sit myself down and decide if there was more I didn't know about I wasn't going to let myself obsess about it. Not easy, not happy, but good enough.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, I also had to sit myself down and decide if there was more I didn't know about I wasn't going to let myself obsess about it.

If your going to stay.

First choice is total honesty but if you feel shame is holding her back, you have to let it go. Now, how do you do that? What if there is more stuff that matters? UUUHG!

I shouldn't post sober.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DB

Absolutely, I had the "sit down" with myself AFTER I decided to stay. Actually, quite a while afterwards.

I don't how to tell somebody else how to tell how they know enough. I wasn't sure myself. In some ways, I'm still not, and it's been over 30 years.

I guess I just decided the devil I knew was better than breaking one I didn't.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The strategy I'm trying right now is to focus on the present. I know she fucked everything up. The specifics are only important in that it would explain my real history verses the bull shit she let me believe for decades. It would be nice to be able to know I know it all for rebuilding trust but...

Point is she has changed. She grew up. She doesn't do all the selfish shit she did way back then. Still some but not near the amount nor ruthlessness of the past.

So, if I measure my marriage by today, it is awesome. Add in the lies and infidelity of the past; not so much. THAT's why I need to let it go. Just have to figure out how.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bogey, your wife should know that, you should tell her that, make her a partner in your healing.
Let Her step up to the plate. I know I would, if I wore different shoes.

I don't how to tell somebody else how to tell how they know enough.

For me, it was body language.
A silver haired man leaning into his silver haired wife, remarking on my floozy who just walked past them,
Something about his leaning into her with a one word storied comment, and her leaning in with shake of a head reply
told me

in wordless words
in true vignette, it happened right there!

I knew enough.
I don't know how to tell any one else when they know enough either, but I think inside, anyone knows. You Just Know, like the clickin of a light switch, though truth be told, it had to be clicked several stupid painful times for m,e...

Truth be told, I post here to show you my stumbles and fukups, we're brothers after all, saying classic and poet and everything else makes me weep, yeah my emotions are closer to the surface


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things were going bad for us, very bad. I was driving her away and she was killing me and my love for her. She wouldn't, couldn't talk to me about the past. She just wanted to forget it and all the horrible things she did to me way back then. Ashamed about her terrible behavior, she closed up, shut me out, and thought she destroyed our marriage. Not with the affair, but by finally telling the truth. The more I pushed her to open up, the more I was blowing up the marriage. Waywards have to be willing to talk with the betrayed right? That is what it says in the Healing Library. But, if I continue to obsess about the lies, the affair, the past, there will be nothing left to save.

So, I decided to just stop. I would bottle it up, keep it inside, handle it all on my own. She wasn't helping in my healing anyway. I told her that I see that she can't handle dealing with the past, and I was going to do what she had pleaded many times before. I was going to just focus on right now. Tomorrow I would focus on tomorrow, and so on. I told her that if we were to stay together it would depend on what she did today. I said that she treated me like shit in the past but for her to "don't treat me like shit today". I said I didn't feel loved in the past, show me you love me today. I didn't feel wanted in the past, show me you want me today. You lied in the past, be honest today. We will focus on today, everyday.

She lit up as quick as a light bulb when you flip the light switch. No longer miserable, no longer shutting me out. Instantly our relationship improved. She is there for me, for the first time. She is loving, affectionate, and...she has actually began to talk to me about the past. Nothing too major or deep, but she started the talk, she engaged it, she didn't shut down afterwards. Still a long way to go...but progress.

I still don't know if I know everything. I feel like there is more she's hiding. But, I keep telling myself, today is good. If so, does the past really matter?

[This message edited by doubleboggy at 10:03 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jmo, you're making a deal with the devil for temporary relational respite...

Sure she'd light up at the deal she wouldn't have to own her own shit, and you'd bargain for peace by bottling it all up, keeping your mouth shut.

Revealing your true emotional needs gets you punished with her anger - and you bottle it up? To me, that's a recipe for disaster - for a repeat.

Now, what's interesting is that you are noting that some of the past stuff is coming out...and you're hoping for more
(aren't you?)

Clearly, the past is important. I guess your method is working somewhat, maybe like pushing a loaded wheelbarrow with a flat tire, I'm just concerned about the effort...the sacrifice of your needs for temporary relational peace.
That'll wear on you.
I believe you deserve better.

There's a reason they plunk statues in public.
.
.
.

[This message edited by jjct at 7:11 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boggy,

I agree with JJ. Sounds like rugsweeping to me. I did that 16 years ago when my then fiance cheated on me. I married her, we pushed it under the rug, and 12 years into the marriage she cheated again. Said she forgot how much it hurt me the last time. I would advise not rugsweeping.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's rug sweeping. Just don't know how to change it. We have our first MC session in three days. Hopefully that will help.

Thanks guys


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have our first MC session in three days. Hopefully that will help.

It's very helpful in my experience DB, if you find the right MC. Our first MC didn't even act like he thought my wife did anything wrong. I think he had the hots for her. So after two sessions, we changed MCs to our current one, and she has been awesome. Told my wife inside of 5 minutes of our first meeting that she betrayed not just me, but the kids as well. My wife nodded right along. She wanted the truth, and wanted to start healing.

There are all kinds of counselors out there. I hope you find a good one.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's rug sweeping. Just don't know how to change it.

Glad that you know it. OK that you donít know how to change it. You get help (MC and maybe IC) and use the Menz as a sounding board on whatís happening in MC.

I wish Tred had the market cornered on this shit but my story is the same. She cheated when we were engaged. Found out after we M and after trying to work through it we went to an MC who advised the rugsweep. A few days after first MC she started again.

Like Sal said, you have to find the right MC to get any value from it.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello men. I just wanted to say that everyone here has been a help to me one way or another. I have been lurking for quite some time. When I start to think to much about things, I come here to read and keep up with the conversations. I like that it moves fast. It gives me hours of reading and not thinking about stuff. Just know that us lurkers are getting good therapy from you men.


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been thinking about trying to get my wife onto this site...primarily because I think that this site is better than IC/MC, and also because we're running out of money for MC. For you guys that have spouses on here, any thoughts or ground rules you all set?


ďAnyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.Ē

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP,

Been talking to my W about getting on here as well. I think she has already read a bit of what is on here, but I'd like her to chine in as well (just not in the menz thread, of course).

We had 'date night' last night. Anyone else feel awkward on dates with their W? Like, awkward silences and lots of staring off into space and stuff? I was really hoping that it wasn't going to be like that, but it was. I kept trying to get her to talk and open up and have fun and laugh... but there was tension and our conversations always circled back around to 'us'. I've written before that my wife and I have had issues with connecting before, and I think that was the problem last night. She said that I put up walls and was being distant, but I would have said the same thing about her. I kept trying to get her to talk...not about us, but just conversation. I love to talk, but one sided conversations are awkward.

Anyone else in this boat with me? Really struggling with this. My W and I really drifted way apart, even before the A, and of course the A didn't help things. Really having a hard time reconnecting with her.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ontheslope,

Anyone else in this boat with me? Really struggling with this. My W and I really drifted way apart, even before the A, and of course the A didn't help things.

Yep, same here. I am getting to the point where I am past the A-crap, but not feeling much for my FWW. I had hopes. I got to healing, and addressed some of my issues. She has been working on her stuff, but there is just no connection or fun left. I have been very clear talking with her explaining what I need to feel connected, we have talked about it in MC, but no go.

I was ready to separate and D about a year ago, then she lost her job and I cannot afford house, DSs in college AND paying her. She says she does not want to D and wants us to be together. I think a big part of the problem is her depression. The MC/IC is working on her with this, but she has to want to change.

She is out of town this weekend visiting her DD and grandchild. I think it is a bad sign I enjoy my time more when she is gone than when she is here. While she has been gone I have been out with friends, went for a bike ride, out on the boat. No listening to her complain about how unfair life is and that it is not her fault a job was no longer available after she waited 3 days to apply. Sure, no sex when she is gone, but only 1-2x a month when she is here, and then only right before going to sleep.

If I could afford D and kids in college I would do it, maybe after they finish. It is not that I am looking for or want anything better, I just feel like I get nothing from being M to her.

Prior to dday things were not good, but I always thought they could get better. Now things are better, but I think "not bad" is about as good as I am going to have with her.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For you guys that have spouses on here, any thoughts or ground rules you all set?

It can backfire. My wife isn't on here, but lurks. She saw my post from earlier in the week when I called her a crazy bitch. Apparently she wasn't moved sufficiently by the "I love her" part of the same sentence. Tonight was supposed to be date night, but that's shot to hell now.

Hey, I wish I didn't know that SI existed. I do only because of her betrayal, and it's been a Godsend.

Just know that us lurkers are getting good therapy from you men.

That's good to hear UnAware43. Your thoughts and opinions are just as valid as any of ours, so don't be a stranger.

Have a great weekend, gents.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 7:48 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know if I have much to add. STBXW left on DDay and I have had no contact with her since then. Just her lawyer. I filed one week after DDay, since this was her second affair. Now turns out it's #3 come to find out. How was I living what I thought was a great marriage and she was not letting me know she was not getting what she needed. Everyone thought our marriage was the one that would stand the test of time. The old couple holding hands was supposed to be us years down the road. I forgave her after the first affair, I thought to be married to someone for 40-60yrs there was going to be some forgiveness involved on both sides. So I gave it another shot. Man I got played.


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the topic of WW her on SI. Great idea if you keep your screen names secret. You need a safe place to vent and that is what you will lose if she knows your username.


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.