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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno FP. Could help, could just be a different trigger like thinking about if she got into shape for the OM. Ultimately these triggers are down to the shit inside us we got to deal with. Removing stuff that serves as reminders helps a ton - over here we rearranged the bedroom, painted it, rearranged our personal spaces to overlap, so on- but that really just helps the transition I think. Like it's one part of the whole process.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I get that, SG. Truth be told, she got into much, much worse shape during the affair due to the amount of alcohol consumption going on. I know it's petty-sounding, but POSER definitely got her during the worst shape of her life, FWIW.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 11:06 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you know, that does look tricky. Telling your wife that it would help your ease of mind if she got into shape because she was a slob while she was fucking some other guy just seems like one of those things that's hard to frame in a neutral way.

eta:

I don't think it's petty of you at all, for the record.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:55 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. I don't care about it as far as being attracted to her... She's always cared 1000x more about her size than I ever had... I was just curious if that changing would help my triggers in the same way that buying a new bed, car or whatever does. But yeah...a trickier conversation to have.... and even if it worked, would she resent me for it, long term?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LosferWords
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Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, jjct. I'm doing a bit better today. Good tune!

kg - Glad to hear you are building your inner strength up and doing better.

I now know that I rug swept the affair in 2005 but she still knew in her heart it was wrong but still made the choice to betray me. I don't trust that statement that she will just leave.

That's rough, UnAware43. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Going on this ride once is hard enough. Can't imagine going through it twice.

That's a tricky one, with the weight thing, FP. Ideally, you would want her to lose the weight for her own sake. That whole inner validation thing, you know? Bringing that subject up is almost a Catch-22, in a way.


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
flup
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Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get those thoughts too, at times - about how she looked to other men. fWW looks great for 50, and I tell her that, but, it's almost like she thinks I "have" to, because we're married (still). I tell her - in no uncertain terms - that it really fucking bothers me when she brushes off my compliments, because it makes me think that if some other guy was to make the same compliments it would be "worth more" from a stranger. It really pisses me off when I get what I say ignored because I'm "supposed to say that."

What kind of warped thinking is that?

I'm just having real trouble getting over the fWW going through menopause now... the OM got to have fun with her while she was ovulating and horny, and now that she's dry and non-interested in sex.... well, she gets to come back to ME. Ain't I special....


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
ontheslope
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Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just having real trouble getting over the fWW going through menopause now... the OM got to have fun with her while she was ovulating and horny, and now that she's dry and non-interested in sex.... well, she gets to come back to ME. Ain't I special....

Wow... yeah, that sucks donkey balls.

You could always trade her in for a newer model. (j/k - don't hate me )


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the OM got to have fun with her while she was ovulating and horny, and now that she's dry and non-interested in sex.... well, she gets to come back to ME. Ain't I special....

OM also got to see the ugly side of her, the side that lies, cheats, deceives, sneaks, and betrays those she's supposed to love and protect for life. If that side of my wife returns, her fOM can have her back...and best of luck to him.

Addressing the non-interest in sex thing, I have a good friend IRL who's in his 50s with a post-menopausal wife. With some of flup's previous posts in mind, I asked if things are still good in the marital relations department. He said they were rocking, better than ever, thanks to the miracles of medical science. Both are getting some kind of treatment. Whatever it is, you can tell that he's loving life. Don't know if you have explored that option flup, but maybe your wife just needs to have her hormones kicked up a notch.

ETA: I got behind on this thread and am trying to play catch up with the reading. Just wanted to send strength to Losfer, it sucks when the blackness creeps in and takes hold of you like that. But good to see the recent improvement.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:06 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LosferWords - Never heard of Blue October. Thanks for the song. Sorry you are going through this. Whenever I get in a funk like that it's usually because I've allowed myself to get too introspective and isolated. A walk with the dog or hanging out with supportive friends usually brings me out of it. Strength to you. Here's an "oldie but a goodie." It always pisses WW off when I play this song real loud.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAESnjvz3lQ

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
DefeatedDad
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Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back on the period of my wife's stroll through whoredom, I remember her being very self conscious about her looks. She lost weight, went to pilates and bought a ton of clothes.

I thought it was her trying to look nicer for me. Well, it was all for the OM. Up to that time she had never tried to make herself pretty for me. Yeah, I felt really loved and special after I found out the truth of her motives.

Now whenever she goes and gets her hair done or she buys a new dress I trigger and wonder if it's for me or if she's out advertising for some new strange.

One thing that helped a lot, and I have to give my WS credit for this, is that she voluntarily gathered up all the clothing she had bought during the affair and took it to Goodwill.

But even now when I look at her and see all the weight she lost and how she improved her appearance, just the sight of it is a reminder that none of it was done for me.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 11:13 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now whenever she goes and gets her hair done or she buys a new dress I trigger and wonder if it's for me or if she's out advertising for some new strange.

Knowing my STBX's need for external validation I found myself wondering the same thing.
STBX even got a breast augmentation at one point. She claimed she was self-conscious about her size and wanted to get it done. I kept telling her how it wasn't something that bothered me and i like her the way she was. I wasn't keen on it but she pressed and I relented. I figured it's her body and if she felt that strongly about it then I would support her. BIG MISTAKE. The very next day when she should have been recovering she was out buying halter tops and the tightest shirts she could find then showing "them" off to anyone and everyone. I was humiliated and felt completely duped. Needless to say POSER got good use out of them and now fake boobs are a big trigger for me. I've never been much of a boob guy and now I definitely am not.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
DefeatedDad
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Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ryebread are you and her still together? Has she gotten over her juvenile need to attract other men or does she still push the boundaries?

My wife has always had nice baps, so I was spared the cost of that. My WW's deal was her stomach and butt. She was doing Pilates for three hours a night, four days a week at one point.

We have switched now. She has cut back quite a bit on the exercise while I have doubled up on mine.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 11:49 AM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
doubleboggy
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Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back on the period of my wife's stroll through whoredom

^^Funny

she voluntarily gathered up all the clothing she had bought during the affair and took it to Goodwill.

I made my wife throw out any piece of clothing that she could even possibly have wore for POSER. Made me feel better just knowing that I could reclaim at least a small part of my life back.


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
slater13
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Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During my fWW's A, she also hit the gym and got in her best shape. And, she too convinced me she needed a boob job AND a tummy tuck (she is already quite fit). That cost us quite a pretty penny.

You would think it would trigger me, but for whatever reason it doesn't. I mean, sometimes when i think about the fact she did it for him it does bother me, but usually when we are together I just enjoy what is in front of me. I can't change why she did it.

Since DDAY, she has approached me about having the boobs reduced- she thinks they are too big- but no way are we spending more $$ on those things. It's kinda like a punishment that she has to deal with them now.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean, sometimes when i think about the fact she did it for him it does bother me, but usually when we are together I just enjoy what is in front of me. I can't change why she did it.

That's a great perspective to have.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DefeatedDad
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Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's funny. When your wife looks in the mirror she is literally faced with the reminder of her betrayal.

Make her keep them, even when they start to sag and rub on her knees when she sits down.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
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Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have something to ask you guys. Did any of your WWs offer to let you have a pass to sleep with another woman or women as an olive branch of sorts for R?

Back after I kicked her out, my WW said I could sleep with another woman if that would help me feel better.

I took it as an insult and did not speak to her for a couple weeks. Pissed me off that she would try to drag me down to her level like that. That little stunt was almost the straw that broke the camel's back.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:02 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ryebread are you and her still together?

Basically we are in limbo. We have a loose agreement that I will stay around till our oldest graduates HS this year (7 months and counting) then we go our separate ways. Gives us a chance to get things separated. Her addiction issues will have her out on the street in no time so for my DSS sake I am sticking around for now. So far things are amicable but she is still deep in her fog and she isn't really taking the steps to get herself squared away. There are some financial considerations too but I'll be prepared to walk as soon as the diploma hits his hand.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Merlin
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The old big expense followed by infidelity scenario 'slater' - a near truism for wives gone wild.

Mine didn't go for big boobs. She wanted an SL Mercedes.

Why big expenses precede infidelity is a mystery. But it seems ubiquitous.

If big bills drive them away, would a budget increase the likelihood they will stay on the reservation? Probably not. Lose/lose?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That cost us quite a pretty penny.

I bet. Just the augmentation alone was a killer.

I remember the dr. telling us that the odds of couples getting pregnant after an augmentation went up significantly. I guess sleeping with more men than just your husband afterwards will do that.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
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