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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM also got to see the ugly side of her, the side that lies, cheats, deceives, sneaks, and betrays those she's supposed to love and protect for life. If that side of my wife returns, her fOM can have her back...and best of luck to him.

'Cept that's not the way she acted towards them. And, she knows that I have no tolerance for any bullshit about guy friends, or "girl's nights out". If she wants to be single, take a bag with you hon, 'cause the locks will be changed when you try to come back this time.

We're trying some remedies for menopause like Muira Puama and Maca - with a little success. But it's just the attitude like she's too busy that bothers me... she made time for OM, but she's too busy to make time for us. I guess I'm just waiting for the time when I've had enough. They say you know when it's time to file...


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took it as an insult and did not speak to her for a couple weeks. Pissed me off that she would try to drag me down to her level like that. That little stunt was almost the straw that broke the camel's back.

It's somewhat pathetic that one of the first remedies a lot of WW's come up with is to attempt to drag us down to their level, rather than attempting to come up to ours. Course that boat sailed.

Good on ya DD!

ETA Just shows how broken their coping skills are.

[This message edited by 5454real at 12:30 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2063 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ryebread, congrats on having the finish line in view, I sure envy you.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of your WWs offer to let you have a pass to sleep with another woman or women as an olive branch of sorts for R?

Yes, her best friend. She panicked and brought that up on D-Day 1. I declined that offer. She gave me five-thousand dollars instead to calm me down. I took it and returned it to her a few months later after my sanity returned.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 64,

Unfortunately I still feel like I am skewered on a spit, being turned slowly over hot coals and having a meat thermometer jammed in side every 15 minutes to see if I'm cooked yet. I'm pretty crispy at this point.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you Ryebread. It amazes me how some waywards barge ahead on the course they have chosen, without a shred of remorse or sorrow for the damage they are doing to the ones who love them, even though they know they are headed for destruction. Amazing and pathetic at the same time.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of your WWs offer to let you have a pass to sleep with another woman or women as an olive branch of sorts for R?
Yep, but you know that's a trap right? Where's that "it's a trap" gif when you need it. Basically if you go out and have a revenge A she gets to now say you are no better than her and you are even. Commence to rugsweep because everything is just fine now that you did it too. There is no longer any need to talk about what happened because you did it too right?

Well I politely declined that one to my STBXW and told her I actually have morals and choose to honor my vows unlike "some" people. Besides an RA wouldn't have the same impact in my case unless I could do it for 3+ years without her knowing then spring it on her after I had been successfully lying to her for years and treating her like shit while she wondered what she did wrong. Plenty of people around that did it though and it comes with it's own set of fucked up complications on top of the existing pile of crap you are dealing with. Check out the madhatter thread in "I can relate" to get a glimpse.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is exactly what I told my wife. I told her nice try.... She wasn't going to get off easy by letting me bang another chick.

I told her the only way my doing so would even begin to level the field is if I were to screw a strange woman once or twice a week, spend thousands on motel rooms, do it unprotected and then come home and have sex with her and hope I wasn't giving her an STD.

Needless to say she never mentioned it again.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W said the same thing. Said that if I had gone out and done that with another woman that she (my W) would have deserved it.

I thought - Deserved it? Seriously? Deserved to get cheated on? Deserved to feel like I do? Really? Cause I wouldn't wish this on my worst fucking enemy. Nobody should have to go through the crap we got put through.

I could never do it anyway. As a fantasy it sounds great, right? Hot sex with a stranger, the secrecy, the excitement. But every time I think about actually doing it (I'm not contemplating having an A, I mean just thinking about the act itself) it makes me want to

'cause that's just not me. My soul don't go there... ya hear me?


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prior to and during my fWW's A, we were saving up money to go on a big vacation for our 22d anniversary. We have about $5k set aside so far.

I will admit there were times right after DDay when I wanted to take out that money and fly to Nevada and spend three nights at a brothel, or go on one of those sex tours to South America.

It was all fantasizing. I never did do such a thing, but there were times I really wanted to.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW suggested I get an apartment, a place to entertain girlfriends. It pissed me off to no end as well. I think she felt desperate and offered it as a solution to me leaving outright. Sort of a way for me to get my needs met but us not break up the family. I took it as her caring more about the family, i.e. kids, than me,


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW suggested I get an apartment, a place to entertain girlfriends. It pissed me off to no end as well. I think she felt desperate and offered it as a solution to me leaving outright. Sort of a way for me to get my needs met but us not break up the family. I took it as her caring more about the family, i.e. kids, than me,

That's rough... I swear, they just don't get it. It's like they think "I got to have some fun, you should have some fun too".

It has nothing to do with "fun". I mean... gee... you stabbed me in the back so I should grab the knife and stab you right back? So now not only do I have the pain of having been betrayed by my W, but also the pain of having betrayed her myself?

Ugh.

[This message edited by ontheslope at 3:19 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
1985
♂ Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flup, we are 63. For quite a few years my W has been getting hormone therapy. Tiny pellets (the size of small rice grains) are inserted under the skin about every 10 weeks. They slowly release estrogen and testosterone. Before she started the therapy sex was infrequent. Since then .... Let's just say that I often wish I had the strength and recuperative powers of a 25 year old. Hormone therapy can also be done with creams or lotions although my W says they are not as effective. You think it is your W's attitude and maybe it is. But, this therapy definitely effects attitude with respect to sex drive. I hope yours will give it a try.
DefeatedDad. To answer your question about offer of a "free pass".
That seems to be a standard reaction from a W who has been caught. Mine offered and so many BH's here report the same thing that it is almost like there is a script they all have read on how to respond to being caught. Good for you in declining the offer.


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 589 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is wayy too jelly for any free pass for me.
This pre-menopause shit is bad enough-I don't think I can stand the real thing. There are times at nite I swear she feels like she's on fucking fire...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer, How are you doing? I'm in the midst of the A season myself, and our D-Days are 4 weeks apart.

This year, I'm realizing that the upcoming 3rd antiversary means that this is the 4th A season I'm experiencing. It really sucks.

If you make it without meds, great! If you get some legal meds that help, great!
************************

Menopause really upped my W's sex drive - something about no more fear of pregnancy. The hot flashes were pretty wicked for her, though.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8892 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pointed out to my wife that making me such an offer clearly showed how far down the rabbit hole she had fallen with this affair. I had to show her how morally fvcked up such a suggestion was.

She had always been the moral policeman in our family: the goody goody Christian who told me and the kids and everyone else the proper Biblical way to live our lives.

Then Pretty Boy scumbag comes along and she shucks 45 years of Baptist upbringing out the window. She's ashamed of herself and I have said "yeah....you damn well should be."

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 4:24 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Maximus Decimus
♂ New Member
Member # 33564
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read here frequently but dont post much. This may be coming out of left field, but I don't have anybody to talk about this stuff with and I really just need to get this out of my system. After all these years I know there's no good solution and I'm not looking for one. See my profile for the details of my story.

Long story short is that I chose not to sleep with anybody when I was in high school. I met my wife in college and knew immediately she was the one. She, therefore, is only person I've slept with.

As it turns out while we were dating she cheated on me with multiple guys. I didn't find out until years later when we were married. Had I known what she was doing I obviously would not have stayed with her and I obviously would've slept with other women.

Now in my 40s and I'm regretting so much the good times I passed up on because of the special connection I thought I had with my wife. I really hate that i've never slept with anyone else and that she's the only one i've ept with. I'd give anything to go back and know that she was cheating on me. I would have lived in those years of my youth so differently. As it is I'll never get those precious times of my life back and nobody knows that not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

Thanks for giving me a place to vomit this out. It's like one of those times I've had too much to drink and I feel better after I puke....

[This message edited by Maximus Decimus at 4:26 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Strength and Honor

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2011
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unless I could do it for 3+ years without her knowing then spring it on her after I had been successfully lying to her for years and treating her like shit while she wondered what she did wrong.

Wow, are we all so similar? How many of us can identify with this as well as I can?

Thanks 1985, I'll mention that and see if I can get her to see the Dr. about it.

My fWW didn't offer to "let" me go after someone else... She told me that my job would make it really easy to have an A - I just never thought that way. For a year or so after DDay, she'd go through my email and phone looking for something to charge me with, but I wouldn't give her the pleasure. I know she hates being on the low end of the moral spectrum... but I didn't put her there.

I know about the firey feeling 64fleet, that's where mine is now too. She tries to snuggle in bed and we'll both be burning up before long.

I hear you Maximus... Holding our heads up high only lasts so long. So, so much was stolen from us. We all deserve a man-hug.

... and a beer.

[This message edited by flup at 4:34 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of your WWs offer to let you have a pass to sleep with another woman or women as an olive branch of sorts for R?

Mine did as well. I think it was as much about punishing herself as it was about buying me off. I've been lucky, though (well, as lucky as you could be in our shared situations), in that my WW has by-and-large owned up to what she did.

In any case, I told her "Marriage is not a zero-sum game" and moved on in the conversation.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As it turns out while we were dating she cheated on me with multiple guys. I didn't find out until years later when we were married. Had I known what she was doing I obviously would not have stayed with her and I obviously would've slept with other women.

Now in my 40s and I'm regretting so much the good times I passed up on because of the special connection I thought I had with my wife. I really hate that i've never slept with anyone else and that she's the only one i've ept with. I'd give anything to go back and know that she was cheating on me. I would have lived in those years of my youth so differently. As it is I'll never get those precious times of my life back and nobody knows that not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

You have every right to feel angry and betrayed. She cheated on you repeatedly while the two of you were exclusive. But not only that, she misrepresented who she was. She lied about her true nature and her true self to hook you and get you to marry her.

If my wife had done this to me, I would have considered our entire marriage a sham and a lie.

If she cheated before the marriage, what would have stopped her from continuing that behavior during the marriage?

Here is what I would do: look around your area for a polygraph service. Set up an appointment and tell your wife you want her to submit to a poly to see if she has been cheating during the marriage. Make your NOT filing for divorce incumbent on it.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 4:40 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
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