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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine did as well. I think it was as much about punishing herself as it was about buying me off. I've been lucky, though (well, as lucky as you could be in our shared situations), in that my WW has by-and-large owned up to what she did.

The ONLY reason I have given my wife one, no wait...two, more chances, is because by and large I do think she is remorseful about what she has done. She has owned up to the affair being 100% on her, and she has never blamed me for it.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening gentlemen,

My STBX got her approval letter for the refi. I'm 99% done. It's my last hurdle. No debt. No repairs. No lawn. No worries. Going out to celebrate.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jul 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't celebrate too hard. It's always nice to know where you are when you wake up in the morning.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats Sunset.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's always nice to know where you are when you wake up in the morning.

That's so over-rated .

Congrats Sunsets!

As for the kitchen pass to fuck some strange, my wife never offered me that option. Probably because she figured I'd take her up on it. She would of been wrong, just like everything else about her A, but funny thing is she is very jealous of me talking to other women. Yet she is the one who goes out and fucks strange men. Go figure. Moral of this story is neither of us knew each other as well as we thought we did.

Hope you are doing better Losfer.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing a lot better. Thanks, all of you guys for the support. Just needed to take a step back, breathe, and reassess. I think I needed some distractions as well, like some of you suggested.

The "free pass" concept is a poor attempt at trying to even things out. There really is no justice in any of this. If given the option, I wouldn't even think twice about turning it down. I am still trying to heal from my own fuckuperry (sp?) almost 18 years later. Don't want to go down that rabbit hole again.

Congrats, sunsets! Cheers, and wishing you peace, man.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 8:00 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 4550 | Registered: Dec 2010
Maximus Decimus
♂ New Member
Member # 33564
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Defeated dad - I hear you and I've thought about doing just that. The truth is, I should have done that back when this all started over 5 years ago. It would have made sense.

The problem was, I didn't know about SI. I didn't have any help dealing with this. I did hear that the timetable was 2 - 5 years. I waited it out. Now it's 5 years and i feel like i described in my first post - what do I do? Things in my house are calm. My kids are happy, everything's good but me. I won't do the polygraph because I'm not leaving my kids. For me, cheating is a deal breaker - but not between me and my children.


Strength and Honor

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2011
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maximus how long have you been married? How did you find out about her cheating before the wedding?

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:14 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Maximus Decimus
♂ New Member
Member # 33564
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married about 15 years. I had a gut feeling and then did some investigating. It was difficult because it had been so long ago, but I finally got what I needed. She did all the usual WS stuff I read about here - gas lighting, lying to my face, making me doubt myself, etc. I learned to trust my gut - crazy how you just know something - and took it from there.

Undoubtedly if she had just come clean and been remorseful right away things would be different. Her lying and making me find everything out took its toll on me. That behavior changed my feelings towards her and hurt our relationship nearly as much as the cheating.

Defeated dad -
Thanks for hearing me out on this stuff.

[This message edited by Maximus Decimus at 4:36 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Strength and Honor

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Undoubtedly if she had just come clean and been remorseful right away things would be different. Her lying and making me find everything out took its toll on me.
I often wonder how/if I'd feel differently had my wife come forward on her own instead of me having to dig.
That behavior changed my feelings towards her and hurt our relationship nearly as much as the cheating.
Agreed. There are a good number of people on here who have ended up divorced because they had one (or two, or three...) too many TTs followed by "Well, now you have the FULL story..." only to find out more some time later.


ďAnyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.Ē

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
nomoreplease
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Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maximus,

I just want you to know that you are not alone. My XWW cheated on me before we were married and lied to me about the rest of her sexual past, too. During her A, the previous cheating came out along with the details of her past then eventually her current (at the time) A. I tried to R for almost 2 years and fought much of the same things you are talking about. Unfortunately, I never did work through it because I never got the chance (WW filed for D when I stopped accepting her wayward behavior).

Not telling you to D, but now that Iím D my perspective is a little different. Iím no longer pissed that I didnít Ďlive it upí because I have the possibility of actually finding that Ďspecialí I thought we had (well, something close to it because whoever I find wonít be Ďmy onlyí) and that is still what I want. Iím pissed, now, because my chances of finding that in my 30ís are much lower than when I was 19 (if not impossible, now), but that is a whole different topic, soÖ

I guess what Iím trying to say is that when you were younger, you made the choices you did for a reason, and you canít let her decisions change who you are/want to be (much easier said than done) and just because she didnít hold it special doesnít mean it canít be for you (again, I know much easier said than done).


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has she ever shown any remorse Maximus?

Sounds like you are planning to tough it out until the kids turn 18 and then you follow the last one out the door?


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
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Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím pissed, now, because my chances of finding that in my 30ís are much lower than when I was 19 (if not impossible, now), but that is a whole different topic, soÖ

not impossible, man. And in actuality probably a lot more possible then you think.

Sucks... I kind of feel the same way, but with more hope that if I did leave that I would be able to find someone else. I've seen many people do it.

And, to be brutally honest, you didn't know what the fuck you wanted when you were 19 anyway. None of us did. You know what I wanted when I was 19? A cute piece of ass. But who you are now is not who you were then, and your needs are different. We all change.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
slater13
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Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with OTS. I think that finding someone special may in fact be easier in your 30's or 40's. Think about it. With so many marriages failing due to infidelity, there are plenty of women out there in your exact scenario. They married some douche they thought was the guy, but he turned into a pumpkin like our wives did. Now they are more certain what they want.

I know it's not 20 something sex, but there are plenty of well taken cared of 40 year old women out there.

I have a buddy in Houston who was divorced a few years ago. He has a new girlfriend in her 40's. The SOB never stops talking about the sex. He tells everyone who will listen - he has never had better or more sex in his life. The guy has a perma-grin wherever he goes.

Like has been stated, Maximus, don't try to relive past choices based on current knowledge. Of course it sucks what your wife did, hell what all of our wives did, but you simply can't change it. This is your life now. Accept what she did and make your choices now based upon what YOU want! If it's stay for the kids, then by God, be the best damn father you can be every day and know in your heart you are doing it for you and them. This is where I am. I try to make every day with my liitle guys count. I can hold my head up high and feel good about myself. In 2-5 years, maybe I will choose to leave my wife. Right now she seems to be owning her shit and working to repair herself. Is she still lying to me; maybe a little. But I accept that now. I am here because I want to be. Fuck all the could haves and would haves.

I trade stocks for a living; I have could haves and would haves daily. Shoulda bought TSLA and NFLX!!!

[This message edited by slater13 at 9:58 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for bringing this up FP:

I often wonder how/if I'd feel differently had my wife come forward on her own instead of me having to dig.

Sometimes I feel like I am in the minority because my WW told me about her A instead of me finding out about it. There were red flags but I had trust in her so I didn't follow through. The day she told me what she had been doing was still devastating. Yet at the same time put me at ease since I did have some suspicions. However, even though my WW told me, she still shifted the blame to me, she still lied about things, she still gaslighted me when I asked for details, she still isn't remorseful. I got the impression that she wanted to see if I would rug sweep her A and to see if I would fight for her and our relationship in a "awww, he does love me" kind of way. When I didn't take the bait and put the blame squarely on her with the expectation it was on her to fix this, she went into you never loved me meltdown mode. I have lots of respect for waywards who own their shit and come clean without blaming. But I found that just because a wayward may come forward, doesn't necessarily mean their intentions are out of guilt or honesty. It could be another attempt at testing the betrayed to feed their never ending need for validation...at least that was my case.

Basically IMHO, regardless of a confession or being found out, there can be blame shifting and unremorseful actions either way. If anything I feel like a schmuck since I didn't know and she uses the "I told you about it" line all the time to redeem herself on some level. I did take that into consideration at first. But over time I have seen that it's just a smoke screen to not address the underlying why. I guess in her mind (speculation) if she told me then she is an honest person, never mind all the years of lying.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as finding someone special at this point in my life (37 yrs old), that is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. That may change but right now I am more focused on getting my baggage checked in so I no long have to carry it around from relationship to relationship.

I do think that at my age it is a lot easier to be more honest about what I am looking for and what I want out of life. And not settle for anything less than that. I never liked dating when I was younger. Too many insecurities from both sides. Not saying that isn't the case now either, but I'm much better equiped to single out the keepers.

I am also more comfortable with myself and not willing to put on a show for someone. I have been just as guilty of putting my best foot forward as anyone. Now if you like me you like me, if you don't you don't. I don't have time to worry about impressing someone. I am who I am.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
slater13
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Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post Rye.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
7yrsflushed
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^Yep what Slater, OTS, and Rye said. Speaking from experience at 37 years of age the range of interested women goes from 20's to well their is no upper limit. It just depends on what you interests are. Not saying this to say go out and bang the world but if you wanted you pretty much can go out and bang the world.

I'm waiting until my D is finalized and I have some stuff to get straight with myself before jumping back into the dating pool but it's pretty funny how once you change your mind set you notice the looks and comments if you are paying attention.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:20 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1575 | Registered: May 2011
7yrsflushed
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But over time I have seen that it's just a smoke screen to not address the underlying why. I guess in her mind (speculation) if she told me then she is an honest person, never mind all the years of lying.
And once again the pattern to the bullshit our WW's spout remains intact. This was the case for me as well and the reason I filed for D. STBX told me about the A but only after she got into an altercation with POSER's BW that involved the police. She knew at some point the police would be calling the house for a follow up. She tried the "at least I told you" thing as well but that kind of didn't work since she had been lying for 3+ years and the TT that came after was horrendous and it never ended. That's how I found out about the A that happened a year after we got married and some other off the wall shit. At some point I just said fuck it and didn't care anymore. I had found more on my own through digging then she actually told me so I knew there was more.

Ultimately STBX either just couldn't or didn't know how to address her issues. It was easier for her to throw up her hands and scream "DO OVER" and act like nothing happened. There are NO fucking mulligans in marriage at least not in my book.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:34 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1575 | Registered: May 2011
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of on topic here....

I'm curious. It seems like most of us got M pretty young. I'm wondering how many of us would seek out and try to woo our current Ws if we were single and had never met them before. Do you think you would 'click' with them? Would you lock eyes across a room and feel a few butterflies? Is it only their actions (the A + other baggage) that cause problems now?

I struggle with this a lot. If I was single and my W was single and we met each other today, would I find her attractive? Would we 'click'? Would we 'connect'?

I honestly don't know.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
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