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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting question ontheslope. That was the question I asked myself when trying to decide whether to D or R (after 6-8 months of just observing her actions post A). The answer came back with a resounding HELL NO! Hence D is in the works.

Would I be physically attracted to my STBWW, absolutely! But her personality and neediness would overshadow that. I was very blind to it at the time I met her. I thought she was interested in me but now I know she was interested in what I could do for her more than she was interested in me. I can pick that out like a beachball amongst golf balls now thanks to her A.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering how many of us would seek out and try to woo our current Ws if we were single and had never met them before.
Can I add a qualifier? I get to know what I know now about my self and my life experiences but I don't know my STBXW. If that was the case then we would probably go on a few dates but I can say for certain as soon as I asked about her past she would get the "it's me not you" speech. My stbx was a walking red flag and back then I knew nothing.

The way I see it this will be my current scenario going forward. it's all a crapshoot. I hopefully just have more experiences to pull from when deciding on who to date and who to get in a serious relationship with in the future. I will be listening to my gut more that is for sure.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbx was a walking red flag and back then I knew nothing.

Ditto for my FWW. In fact, some of the things that most attracted me to her at that time should have been my biggest warnings. I was very naive with relationships.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you guys might have misunderstood the whole Ďspecialí thing. It wasnít so much finding someone special, but relating to Maximusí WW being his Ďonlyí and how he thought she was inexperienced as well. Iím pretty sure I can find someone special, so it was more towards finding someone else where sex is an as exclusive club as it is for me.

I have often read in NB were a date has made a similar comment and all of the women are outraged at how much of a dick he is for being that shallow. Not sure how you meet someone like that when you canít even mention it let alone specifically look for it. And yes, my possible dating pool is much larger now, but all of them have been through more and so it is simply less likely (not that Iím ready to date, yet, but just thinking about it and what I want).

And, to be brutally honest, you didn't know what the fuck you wanted when you were 19 anyway. None of us did.
Iím going to have to disagree with you here. I think I still want something very similar to what I did then because:
If I was single and my W was single and we met each other today, would I find her attractive? Would we 'click'? Would we 'connect'?
I still want someone exactly like who my XWW told me she was. Knowing what I do now, though, I would pay much more attention to what she does and a lot less to what she says.

ETA: I probably am being a shallow dick for wanting this.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 11:47 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be attracted to my wife....yes. She is an attractive woman and always was. We have a ton on common and even laugh at the same dumb humor.

Our relationship pre-A was good. But there was a wild slvtty side to her she didn't want me to see. But she had to let it out and set it free. So she found herself a likely lad and shared that side of her with him.

Now I can barely look at her without recoiling.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until it all collapsed into a single frame and I had to deal with my exW's betrayal of marriage and family, she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. Had she grown older? Sure. We were married almost 25 years. But she was still beautiful inside and out.

I could not live being her safety net while she was 'seeing' OM. And so I filed and got divorced. She was unwilling to try and work on us. So there was nothing to save.

Since then, she's put on 30 pounds , swears like a truck driver (with apologies to truck drivers) and is little more than a smoking wreck from what our kids tell me.

Would I be interested in her now? She'd never looked better when I filed and I couldn't stand her insides. Now her outsides match.

No thank you.

[This message edited by Merlin at 12:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting question ontheslope. That was the question I asked myself when trying to decide whether to D or R (after 6-8 months of just observing her actions post A). The answer came back with a resounding HELL NO! Hence D is in the works.
Would I be physically attracted to my STBWW, absolutely! But her personality and neediness would overshadow that. I was very blind to it at the time I met her. I thought she was interested in me but now I know she was interested in what I could do for her more than she was interested in me. I can pick that out like a beachball amongst golf balls now thanks to her A.

Wow..... what he said. Times like 6 bajillion.

Except I'm still in limbo.

It's enough to drive someone .... or enough to make someone


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very blind to it at the time I met her. I thought she was interested in me but now I know she was interested in what I could do for her more than she was interested in me.

Attracted to my wife....yes

But if I knew the truth of who she was and what she has done...no

Does that mean I give up on her today...Not there yet


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a guy in General that could use some help. The type we/us menz are good at. thread is titled, "Frustrated, could use some advice...)


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that my wife has come clean about all the kinky sh't she did with her AP, and has pledged she wants to open up to me sexually, I now find myself not desiring her at all.

I still get hard when I see a hot gal at work, and there is a college age neighbor girl who I have evil thoughts about. I used to lust after my wife before her affair. Not anymore.

And what is even more messed up is that since DDay I have she'd 30 pounds and gained a ton of muscle doing the P90x and my fWW now tells me she desires me now more than she ever has in our marriage. Does she really? Or is this her MLC hormonal storm talking?

I'm venting. Sorry guys. I know there is no clear answer to this. It's just funny how my wife and I have flip flopped on the desire thing.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had the same thing happen, DD. I think part of it is a control mechanism. If she feels you pulling away, she's going to do whatever she can (subconsciously, at least) to try and keep you around.

But I get you on the desire thing. There was a long while where there was no desire on my part at all, and that is a shitty place to be.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it Friday? I need a beer.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it Friday? I need a beer.

Pretty sure that is not something Tony would approve of. Just saying.

ETA: Whoop, didn't realize that it was DD that posted about P90x. Foundout, you go ahead and have a couple.

I get the sexual thing. I got to read about all the 'fun' sexual stuff that wife and her AP did. Problem is, now most of that stuff is still too trigger for me to get through. Yeah...fucking awesome. My desire for her has at least come back..there was a time where she absolutely disgusted me...sadly, the feelings of disgust do still pop up from time to time. Meh, as long as they get fewer and further between.

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 4:21 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be stopping off for a 6 pack of Heinekens and a bottle of Rumchatta. The fWW texted me and says tonight she wants to try some new (for me at least) sexual things. I think I'm going to need to get good and drunk first so I don't trigger as bad.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD, I understand the feelings brother, I really do! in my situation, the alcohol just made the triggers worse.
face the situation with a clear head. don't dodge the issue, face it head on. the triggers really will fade over time.

infidelity just sucks on so many levels. you'll get through it.

strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't get wasted. Just loose. Thanks brother.

Hope I can get it up and keep it up.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Maximus Decimus
♂ New Member
Member # 33564
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ryebread -
I know you didn't say it this way, but please know that just because it's hard for me that my wife didn't tell me about her cheating that doesn't mean I think it's easy for you because your wife did. I think there's a checklist of things that we need or can make things better once D-day hits - full disclosure, remorse, no contact, etc. Maybe some have more weight than others, but the more you can check-off the better things likely will be for you. Personally, her not telling me is tough, but the lack of remorse you got it tougher.


Strength and Honor

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2011
Maximus Decimus
♂ New Member
Member # 33564
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will someone please tell me how to quote?


Strength and Honor

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will someone please tell me how to quote?

When you reply to a thread, paste the text that you want to quote into the message box of your reply. Then highlight that portion of the text and hit the "quote" button to the left of the message box.

The text that you are quoting will look something like this (without the spaces in between the square brackets):

[ quote ]Quoted text.[ / quote ]

But when you hit "Submit Message", it will appear like this:

Quoted text.

Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
Maximus Decimus
♂ New Member
Member # 33564
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Defeated Dad -

Yes she has shown remorse - eventually. The truth is, if I had found SI when all this started, you guys never would have let me put up with the shit she did. I did all the wrong stuff and struggled like I've never struggle before. I'm a reasonably smart guy but in this I seriously couldn't figure out my ass from a hole in the ground. Knowing what I know now and the advice I would have been given from this forum, I am nearly certain I would currently be divorced.


Strength and Honor

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2011
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