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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Montreal
♂ New Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

losfer, you are a great man. I have doubts about my son also, but can't do the test.

I'm scared shitless to do it. Not because I don't think I will love my son anymore, but scared to think that there is still ANOTHER level of hell that I might descend too.

I have no reason to think he isn't my son; he was born 10 years ago and my wife's affairs were this year... Or were they??

Man, it really sucks that this is what I am reduced to thinking about. I tell myself I should do the test for peace of mind - but what if that is the exact opposite of what I get?

[This message edited by Montreal at 5:42 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that the term triggered so many menz here. I won't use it again. It's not that I feel I embody that term most of the time but I'm afraid DS22 might see me that way. "How could you stay on after what she did?" etc.

He has some deep-seated fear and anxiety issues for which he's seeing a shrink right now, which will probably lead to him taking meds, and I don't want him to have to also have his mom and dad's issues to carry around with him. In fact I told Mrs. Kite that if she ever tried to unload her guilt by telling him, that it would be the last straw.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Maximus Decimus
♂ New Member
Member # 33564
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm scared shitless to do it. Not because I don't think I will love my son anymore, but scared to think that there is still ANOTHER level of hell that I might descend too.

I have no reason to think he isn't my son; he was born 10 years ago and my wife's affairs were this year... Or were they??

Man, it really sucks that this is what I am reduced to thinking about. I tell myself I should do the test for peace of mind - but what if that is the exact opposite of what I get?

I'm in this same boat. Plus I think I would have to leave if it didn't turn out like I want it to.

One other reason I haven't tested is because I don't want to needlessly rock the boat. I don't think my wife would object to a DNA test, but it would be a reminder that we're still not alright. Even though I think she knows that, If I bring anything up about her cheating it puts her in a tailspin for a couple of days and I hate doing that to our family.

Losfer, do you know if there's a way to do the test in stealth mode? No packages to the house, no evidence so to speak?


Strength and Honor

Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If any of you jokers make it down here, you're getting one of those - Big Bark, classified as an amber lager.
(looks like a good long side castle position too - good catch Tred!)

Meanings change don't they? In cuckold's case, I embraced the new, sexual fetish-meaning...

Meaning; not me!

Not any of you either.


Posts: 6000 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer, do you know if there's a way to do the test in stealth mode? No packages to the house, no evidence so to speak?

How old are the kids? You can get a mouth swab kit at Walgreens and send it in, but unless the kids are very small they will obviously know.

There are other alternatives -- DNA based on hair samples, but the samples need the follicles which, as I understand it, basically means pulling a few strands directly from the head. (Could be wrong on that).

And then there are more expensive "forensic" DNA tests, which involve getting DNA from a lost tooth, blood from a bandage, etc,

As I see it, the hard part of being stealthy is acquiring the sample itself. If someone knows better, please advise.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the DNA testing I’ve thought about making it a geneology project – trace ancestors and also if any genetic markers are present for health reasons. IDK they should be mine based on everything I “know” – damn it’s taking some time getting used to knowing we really never knew anything with certainty.

On another note – I was reading about acceptance and a thought struck – is acceptance like when you are from the city and go to the country and eventually you get used to the smell of manure?


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Jul 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer, do you know if there's a way to do the test in stealth mode? No packages to the house, no evidence so to speak?

The company I went through shipped me a discrete brown envelope with the test kit. You can always have that shipped to a work address or a PO Box. It was a cheek swab kit, which is pretty much the standard. You'd probably be able to use hair if your son is too old to discretely do a swab test without him questioning things too much. The results came via email. I think that's about as discrete as it can get.


Posts: 4503 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is acceptance like when you are from the city and go to the country and eventually you get used to the smell of manure?

Why yes, yes it is.

Though if that's unacceptable, you can always moove.


Posts: 6000 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have one goal left in life (honestly) - give my son the chances I never had. Long story behind that, but that's for another day.

No explanation needed. You are a good man, too, Tred. Your son is one lucky little dude to have you.


Posts: 4503 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brothers - come on down to F&G & place yer bets!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=511209

Stakes just got reaaalllll interesting!


Posts: 6000 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JJ's pic reminds me if this Simpsons clip
http://m.youtube.com/watch?vsbIbaEOiffQ


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I'm more of a Hellboy than a cuckold.

Heh, Losfor, I'm stealing this.

The thread's probably moved on since, but major props on your decision as a father. I'd like to think that, in the same situation I'd make the same decision, but reality's always harder than the idealized imaginings.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you BHs get tired of always having to reassure your WWs that you aren't going to D them, always drying their tears and giving them reassurance?

We had a heated MC session last night and my wife broke down. Now she is all miserable and I am once again having to console her and make her feel better.

What about me feeling better? When do I get a little reassurance and empathy? I'm really sick of my fWW turning everything back around to her... when I am the one who was run over and mauled by her A.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:46 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you BHs get tired of always having to reassure your WWs that you aren't going to D them, always drying their tears and giving them reassurance?

This has never happened-she has probably realized that we might not grow old together.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
foundoutlater
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Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you had a tough night DefeatedDad. It was the opposite in my stitch for a while (it was always about me). If this is who your wife always has been she probably should be in IC to work that out. Someone on SI posted about pain being narcissistic – it tends to turn your focus inward. I know it has for me. I had (have?) to work at balancing this. Other possibilities are mirroring (her gut reaction is to run from conflict), insecurity, abandonment issues….. So much crap to work through.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Jul 2011
flup
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Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you BHs get tired of always having to reassure your WWs that you aren't going to D them, always drying their tears and giving them reassurance?

Personally, I wouldn't be drying her tears. She's the one that drove the stake through the marriage's heart. It sounds like she's not owning up to the damage she's done, and her responsibility to fix it.

What about me feeling better? When do I get a little reassurance and empathy? I'm really sick of my fWW turning everything back around to her... when I am the one who was run over and mauled by her A.

Did you say that in front of the MC when your wife was lamenting her own pain? I had to find a guy IC that I could really relate to, after our MC sessions with a female counselor. The female MC just didn't "get it" - what I was going through, it all came back around to "poor fWW". I hope that's not what you're getting.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
nomoreplease
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Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you BHs get tired of always having to reassure your WWs that you aren't going to D them, always drying their tears and giving them reassurance?
I did, and eventually I couldn’t reassure her anymore, because I didn’t know if I could continue to live like that. Once I stopped being that cushy soft doormat that would be there for her no matter how she treated me, she filed for D.

IMO, until a WW realizes that D is the natural consequence of her choices and that it is only your awesomeness that has allowed her the chance to R, those thought processes will continue.

What about me feeling better? When do I get a little reassurance and empathy?
When you give it to yourself.

ETA: not telling you to D, but to take care of yourself, first.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 1:30 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 343 | Registered: Jul 2011
ontheslope
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Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you BHs get tired of always having to reassure your WWs that you aren't going to D them, always drying their tears and giving them reassurance?


All the god-damned time. It's one of the things that I've worked on in my IC a lot. I'm really just indifferent at this point. I can't reassure her because my head and my heart are still fighting each other over what I really want. She knows that. I've told her. She asked me flat out the other day if we were over, and I told her I don't know, because I really don't. But I've taken the tact of working on me, concentrating on me. I can't 'be there' for her in that way. I'm sorry - but I just can't. I can't be sympathetic anymore to the person who drove a knife into my back and broke the vows of our marriage.

I've said a lot of things to her that have hurt. But I can't sugar coat things. I spent years burying my feelings and just saying what I thought I was supposed to say instead of what I really felt, and that kind of dis-honesty, though selfless in a way (being the "good husband") is toxic and eats away at you.

So no. I won't console her over the discord in our M right now. My sympathy ended the moment I found out about her deciding to ride Johnny Knucle-Dragger's happy pole. I will apologize for the part I played in the OTHER problems within our M, but the A is the elephant in the room, and I wasn't the one who let the elephant in, she was. She doesn't get my sympathy for that.

D is on the table, and honestly, it should be for everyone. Not as a punishment to our WWs, but as a reality check for the shit hole that they threw us in. I've said it before, we all deserve better. We gave our W's a gift in staying, in trying to R, but that gift comes with strings attached, and one of those strings is that D is on the table. They put it on the table with their choice, and deep down I think they knew that. If they didn't, if they honestly thought "I'll just go out and fuck some other guy and my H will stay with me because I'm his true love" then they have a serious screw loose somewhere, or they think we are the biggest effing sap on the face of this planet.

Honestly, would they be consoling us if we decided to go and find some sweet-young thing to fool around with?

"Sorry honey, I cheated on you and I feel really bad about it. Can I cry on your shoulder?"

I mean... seriously?

[This message edited by ontheslope at 3:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
ascian
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Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you BHs get tired of always having to reassure your WWs . . .

Haven't run into that much, but I did have a blowup about a month after d-day. I was paying the cell phone bill and noticed that WW had called the OM the morning after d-day. When I asked WTF was up with that, I was told that she needed "closure."

Boy was I biting my tongue hard after hearing that. I settled for "It's nice you chose your need for closure over mine." Tears, apologies, and self-recriminations followed. I've let her know that that's a stumbling block for us, and it needs to be dealt with if we want to move forward together.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Lotsa
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Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you BHs get tired of always having to reassure your WWs that you aren't going to D them, always drying their tears and giving them reassurance?

My WW spent a long time wrapping up her self pity as remorse and serving it up with the shit sandwich that was her infidelity, together with a big side order of self entitlement.

Dining out on that crap brought me nothing but the same serving day in day out. Only once she came to a state of real remorse was she able to start to self soothe and do the necessary introspection did the menu change. And then I felt "safer" comforting her when she broke down with the realisation of what she had done.

With the benefit of hindsight I saw that my WW's shitty coping mechanisms allowed her to play the victim card far too often in her life. In my WW's case it's an ongoing journey, but at least I can identify it now and react accordingly.

Not saying that there's a similar dynamic with your WW, just my experience anyways.



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