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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You lucky bastards with your beer photos. I work 11am -10pm on Fridays. Maybe later though.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1606 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Continuing with acceptance... Not only accepting the past for what it is, accepting the present.

Im not the sharpest tack in the box. So it took me a very long time to work through everything.

For the longest time I thought I NEEDED WW to do or feel X Y Z so I could heal. I needed her to give a shit about me and what she did. Maybe she does or doesnt I can never really know. But I was stuck because WW held back allot of the story of her LTA. My mind tends to pick at things that it doesnt understand and just cant let them go. So I was stuck.

I was hoping and hoping for WW to care. I felt I needed that and so I kept hope alive. After a LONG time I realized that there was NOTHING I could do that could make WW give a shit about me. She either did that on her own or she didnt. At that point my plight seemed hopeless.

What I realized soon after that was that as long as I was hoping for something I was investing myself in the outcome. I had a stake in it. So after allot of work I was able to turn hoping into wishing. This was easier on me because in my head a wish has no personal investment. I can wish to win the lottery and still never play. If I buy a bunch of lottery tickets then I am hoping.

The next step for me was to stop caring about the outcome. Basically doing the same as WW was doing. Just not giving a shit.

That all sounds like word games and at first thats what it was. But soon I was able to make it work for me. Now I am not invested in R or the M. If R ever happens that would be fine. If it never happens also fine.

I changed direction. I was banging and pleading for a door to open. But that door would never open. And by changing hope to wish and eventually not giving a crap one way or the other I have turned away from that door and have started taking a new path in my life.

Someone mentioned the D is still on the table. Personally I think for ALL BSs D will ALWAYS be on the table. If our WS acts out or just pisses us off enough then D is on.

Infidelity changes the entire fabric of the M. And our lives. It will never be what it was or be what it could have been. For me. The only way I could restore myself and take a new path was to stop giving a crap one way or the other about the outcome.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy friday everyone. Trying to focus on the positive. Been a rough couple days. Why? Not sure. Just was.

But it's the weekend. Things are getting better. And I'll be sucking down a few cold ones tonight, I'm sure.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

That was a good post. I understand where you are coming from.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still don't know what I want. I think dep down I know that the A was a dealbreaker for me, but I also can't bring myself to give up on the family just yet. I go over everything in my head over and over again, but I'm still on the fence. I'd like to say I'm all in with R, but I'm not. I still recoil from her sometimes. I can't bring myself to be comfortable around her, to be vulnerable around her. My guard is still up. I've got walls around my heart.

I hear you ots... I'm five years out and feel this way. Like you, I did all the stupid shit at first, like use the word 'forgive' before I felt it, and comforted her. I had a sort of revelation the other day... It snowed (already) here in Ohio, and the roads were kinda slick, and I put myself through a mental exercise... I imagined that a state highway trooper was at the door telling me that fWW had been killed in an icy car crash on the highway. I mean, I really, really PUT myself there - what I was wearing, the dogs were barking their idiot heads off, I'd have to step outside to hear what he was telling me....

... And I felt relieved. Relieved that it was over, that the constant walking on eggshells - I could go out and try to be Happy again.

I'm right at about 75% divorced right now, I feel.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

like use the word 'forgive' before I felt it, and comforted her

That's because you were afraid of losing what you had already lost. You were traumatized, and used whatever method necessary to hang onto what was familiar. The love for your wife. You bargained. It's normal. You have every right to feel the way you do now. As Razor just said, it's always a dealbreaker. Some just stay and create a new narrative; for some it's better, for some it's acceptable, for some it's miserable, and for some they just stay in limbo. And some divorce.

I think I'll have another . Peace and love brothers.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put myself through a mental exercise... I imagined that a state highway trooper was at the door telling me that fWW had been killed in an icy car crash on the highway. I mean, I really, really PUT myself there - what I was wearing, the dogs were barking their idiot heads off, I'd have to step outside to hear what he was telling me....

... And I felt relieved. Relieved that it was over, that the constant walking on eggshells - I could go out and try to be Happy again.

Wow man... that's deep for a Friday night.

I get where you are coming from though, but I'm not quite there yet. I think I would be sad. No, I know I would be sad. I still care about my W. I'm not in love with her, but I still care. I don't wish her ill or want her to be hurt or anything, and I know I wouldn't be relieved if she died.

I guess it comes down to how much our happiness is worth. I've said this before: My W will always be the woman who let another guy stick his happy pole in her while we were M, and I just don't know if you ever truly get over something like that. I've also come to the realization that my W and I have some compatibility and connection issues and those aren't easy to work through without the baggage of an A hanging over the M.

The one way my W and I still connect is through sex. I'm not a very shallow person though, and a M based entirely on sex just isn't enough for me. My W and I just don't really 'click' in any other way. The things I'm into she's not. And she doesn't have many things that she is into. There just isn't much in the way of glue there.

I have a good friend that I used to work with. She (yes, I said she... but don't you go thinking what I think you're thinking... it ain't like that) and I don't talk much anymore, but I remember sitting with her at lunch one day and having one of those really comfortable conversations that you can have with a good friend. You know, the kind where you're not guarding yourself or "walking on eggshells" and you just roll from topic to topic, and I almost started crying, because I realized, at that moment, that it had been years and years since my W and I had talked with each other like that. It was eye opening. It was heart wrenching. It was one of the saddest moments for me. There was such a sense of loss, a sense of... I don't know.... It's really hard to explain.

I remember my friend actually looked at me at that moment and asked if I was okay. Nope.. Not okay. I just realized I'm in an empty M with a W who had an A, thank you very much. Not okay at all.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, but I wish my W and I could converse the way I can with some of my friends, without the tension, without the awkwardness, without the elephant in the room. I love good conversation - I can talk with anyone about anything at any time.... except my W, apparently. Isn't your W supposed to be your best friend? I mean... I don't know.

ARgh..... cheers gents. Time to crack a beer. Enough deep talk for one night.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but don't you go thinking what I think you're thinking

You also wondering what Big Bird would look like without his feathers? Wow. I thought it was just me...

It's really hard to explain.

I completely understand and can relate. 10+ years with my WW and stimulating discussion tended to be limited around what we were having for dinner... It was almost as if we had run out of things to say to one another.

Have you spoken to your WW about this? Has it always been like this between you or is it a post-A dynamic?

IDK...Compatibility is obviously a pretty important trait to have if you're talking about a life time commitment with someone. Let alone in the aftermath of the shit storm that is an affair.

I know in my sitch that it took a lot of work reconnecting. It's still a work in progress for that matter. From my experience, it is something that can change. But your WW has to be invested as well.

I don't have the answer sorry brother. But I hear ya... I understand... And in no way are you being stupid. You may be 4 years down the track, but just processing this shit at your own pace will eventually get you to your destination. Wherever that may be.

Enjoy the beer!!! I'll go back to thinking about Big Bird. Boy or girl?


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll go back to thinking about Big Bird. Boy or girl?

Uhm.... Bird! Duh!!


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll go back to thinking about Big Bird. Boy or girl?

I always thought Big Bird was a girl. Am I wrong?


Posts: 4551 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhm.... Bird! Duh!!

I always thought Big Bird was a girl. Am I wrong?

Seems my thought may be well above my pay grade


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, I'm just here having a beer and blowing out my sprinkler system, and now I am all perplexed about Big Bird.

Posts: 4551 | Registered: Dec 2010
Montreal
♂ New Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of what hit me last night was that this shit is real. That I wasn't in pretend land any more. I was contemplating leaving my M.

Shit got real for me today too. Two weeks ago, more than two weeks ago now, I sent my wife a list of 13 things that I wanted from her. Some were difficult, some were not. I waited two weeks. Even went away on a business trip, thinking that maybe she needed me out of the room to do some of the things I wanted (write a letter and such).

She did none of them.

So I told her today that I was disappointed in her for that. She got defensive. After telling me that she didn't do some of the things "because she just didn't think of them" she wrote this:

"The fact that you put all these things on me feels like an excuse to be disappointed in me. Like you're determined to believe that I am apathetic to any of your needs and just don't care. So much so, that you blame me for not doing things that I couldn't do alone or at all. That's not fair at all."

So fuck it. Obviously she just doesn't get it, or care to get it. I ordered the divorce papers today, spoke with a court liaison to figure out the process, and ordered a DNA test for my oldest son. The two matters, divorce and DNA, aren't really related, in that I didn't order the test because of her email or what she did or did not do in response to my demands, but I figured I might as well throw it all out there. I'm pretty much done. If this is the push she needs to get her head out of her ass and start working on us, then fine. If this the push she needs to get the hell out of our marriage, then so be it. What more proof do I need, right? She dropped her panties and spread her legs for three different guys. I feel stupid for even taking it this far.

Ball is in her court now. As far as I'm concerned, we're done. Nothing left but the paperwork. If she wants to salvage something, then ALL the work is going to have to be on her. I don't care any more.

Drinking vodka on ice tonight boys. Not a regular for me, but I finished off the Glennfiddich the other day.

0700 hockey practice is going to come real early I think.

[This message edited by Montreal at 8:19 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal - sending you strength. You took it upon yourself to take the power back, and put the ball back in your court. That takes an unbelievable amount of willpower.

Wishing from the bottom of my heart that the DNA test comes back as your son being biologically yours.

Take care, and easy on the vodka! Take it all out on the rink tomorrow morning.


Posts: 4551 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Montreal I pray for you brother. My heart goes out to you.

Three men! Un-fucking-believable. And she won't even try huh?

You probably should have filed a long time ago. Sometimes D wakes them up (as in my WW's case) or D shows you their true colors.

A serial cheater like your wife has to have a lot of emotional armor coupled with a lack of empathy to do what she did. Hire the meanest lawyer you can afford, because I predict she will play nasty.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 9:12 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

having a beer and blowing out my sprinkler system

Read it three times.... still not 100% sure if you were being serious or that was a euphemism.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big bird has to be a chick.

She hung around Snuffa... Whatever the hell that elephant thing was. I got the sense Big Bird liked that big long trunk.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah....

And when my WW confessed that her young stud OM had a longer rod than mine.....

Yeah boy. Just icing on the fucking cupcake.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry brothers. I'm on my 6th Fat Tire. About to polish it off with a glass of Maker's Mark neat.

I wag my mouth when I've had a few.

The wife is at her Church Women's Group. Isn't that precious.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 10:04 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read it three times.... still not 100% sure if you were being serious or that was a euphemism.

I was actually being serious. Colorado is such a hot and dry state. I usually blow out my sprinkler system about three times a year. My air compressor was one of my best investments.

No harshing on Snuffaluffagus! He was probably my favorite Sesame Street characters.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:52 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


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