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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can backfire. My wife isn't on here, but lurks. She saw my post from earlier in the week when I called her a crazy bitch. Apparently she wasn't moved sufficiently by the "I love her" part of the same sentence.
Yeah, had that happen already. I didn't think my wife looked at the site, then she seemed really hurt by a post where I said I was dreading our anniversary.
On the topic of WW her on SI. Great idea if you keep your screen names secret. You need a safe place to vent and that is what you will lose if she knows your username.
Yeah, what brought this to the fore of my mind was the fact that platinum users can now change their names once. I figure if she agrees I can switch my name up before she joins.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my W has been on here as well. But.. in the end, I don't write anything here that I wouldn't be comfortable telling her. I don't hide things from her. I vent to her, just like I vent to you guys. Different, but I still would be comfortable with her reading anything I've posted here. Some of it would hurt her, but truth hurting is better than lies, always.

Except when she asks if the jeans make her butt look big. Then the answer is always no.

ETA: atsenaotie, sounds like our stories are way too similar. DDay's around the same time too. Just sucks all the way around. I crave that connection, and I pray I find a way to have it with my W again. But right now I don't, and that is just so hard. I don't want to D, but I don't want to waste my life unhappy, you know?

Sal - sorry to hear about the issues with date night and your post. Best of luck man.

[This message edited by ontheslope at 8:40 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Unaware43. Weekends can be rather slow around here.

Don't know if I have much to add

Two words, Bull Shit. Every guy here that asks a question, answers one or just posts gifs contributes. Something you posit just may light a bulb in someone else's darkness. Maybe there's another guy out there who's hurting and scared to post who see's that you've come out of lurkerdom and survived. This is one place where we won't allow you to denigrate yourself. Our wives, whatever the current status is took care of that for years.

Welcome brother.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC told me that this site was replete with people with overwhelming anguish and bad attitudes, and that I shouldn't come back, if I knew what was good for me.

I guess I don't... What, with staying with fWW and posting on Menz... Sheesh. Although I sometimes feel like I'm regressing being here - I'm also learning how I need to stand by myself, and not let a (female) MC tear me down to bolster my fWW's feelings.

Really, at this point, I don't care if anyone knows what I say here... Whatever it is, it's being said for my own good. Not hers, not my marriages... but, for ME. It's what I FEEL! No one can tell me how I should feel, or how I should heal - shit, I don't even know that... All I know is what gives me the strength to hold my head high and do what I think is right.

And you guys help me, in that regard. Thanks!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They will still read carefully to figure it out. Like a dog on a bone.
Given your sitch UnAware43, no way would I tell her about your safe place.


to fp - think of it, you're asking about setting rulez with someone who thinks what of rulez?

"Tred" very carefully my friend!

The only ones I'm familiar with are the owners of this site and wal (I know there are others I'm forgetting...), high company, I know. I guarantee wal can hit that nailhead to help you decide - I have a feeling it will be along the lines of trust your gut, not your heart.
I've seen ramped-up drama (not want!), and I'd spare you from that if I could.
It's a tough question.
How'd you do it wal?
(lmao!)

Lemme ask you, if you had cheated, do you think you would have found SI on your own if you were remorseful?

ats))) I'm sorry, so sorry man. "Not bad" is when you stay in line I think, and that sucks sucks sucks!
Otherwise, she'll steal your truck and leave you stranded if you don't comply. It feels the life of a grey man. Not full, and it saddens me brother.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flup, like yeah, 40,000 people with years of experience don't rise to her dam duhgree hangin on the wall?
FTN!

Others who can input wisely are wh5 (& BR, not here...)

Tell that MC she's right, I gotta bad fukin attitude about her opinion.
-or-
You can take the wiseass, yoda, sithlord way out and say;

"I know what you mean, I used to think that way myself."

Let her pigness wrestle with that!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only ones I'm familiar with are the owners of this site and wal (I know there are others I'm forgetting...), high company, I know. I guarantee wal can hit that nailhead to help you decide - I have a feeling it will be along the lines of trust your gut, not your heart.
Yeah...and I know Tred's wife and 5454's wife are on here as well. I guess I was kind of curious how it worked out. I kinda/sorta know the story behind WAL and sparkle from her profile.

I've seen ramped-up drama (not want!), and I'd spare you from that if I could.
This. This is exactly what I'm worried about.
Our MC told me that this site was replete with people with overwhelming anguish and bad attitudes, and that I shouldn't come back, if I knew what was good for me.
This is such bullshit. SUCH bullshit. I can see how that'd be the vibe you'd get if you spent only like a few minutes checking it out, but once you really dig in here, there's so much more. The sheer variety, depth, and scope of opinions and experience here rival anything else I know of. When I first demanded a timeline, my MC said she wondered if it was something I felt I needed or something that other people were telling me I needed, because in her experience with infidelity the wayward is unable to recall exact dates and whatnot.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome UnAware43. I am mostly a lurker on this particular thread. I read here a few times a day, and write here once or twice a week. Either way, I always get a lot out of my time spent here.

FacePunched - my wife is a member of this site, and has been for quite some time. She doesn't read here anymore, but she did read here quite a bit when she first joined. She really got a lot out of this site, and it was integral to her/our healing. At the same time, I lost a safe place to openly vent. A couple of my vents here created additional turmoil in our household, but even those particular instances actually opened up some tough but productive conversations that we ultimately needed to have anyway. I'm lucky in the fact that she is remorseful and actually got a lot out of reading here. I've known other guys who have had their wives join and then stalk them and use their posts out here against them.

With all of that being said, and as with anything else, with the decision to have your wife join, listen to your gut. Ultimately, I am glad that my wife joined.

Hope all of you guys are having an excellent weekend.

Take care.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC told me that this site was replete with people with overwhelming anguish and bad attitudes, and that I shouldn't come back, if I knew what was good for me.

Your MC hasn't been on the menz thread. Likely spent time in general and JFO. If MC was in those forums I could understand the statement. I can't go in those parts of the forum. If I did I would get banned. Kind of a get out and D now attitude.

This thread has saved me over the last year. We are good, celebrated our 25th anniversary at Oracle Openworld in SF then at the Capital Grill in Burlington Ma. The M is tempered and I wonder what could have been a great 25th instead of one that is "accepted". I'm sure FWW thinks all is well. WE get to suck it up and be the good husband and the WW goes about life like the world is wonderful. How fucked up is that??!! I guess that is acceptance.


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
Alex1
♂ Member
Member # 26221
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had to rethink this one...

[This message edited by Alex1 at 6:27 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 197 | Registered: Nov 2009
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I wonder if MCs don't want competition over the message, you know? They know that we're all going to heal one way or another eventually, and that by having two guides on healing with two different views, it's going to keep the BS 'stuck'.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if MCs don't want competition over the message

Huh. Never thought of that. If that is so, they're in it for the wrong reasons, and that's good to know too - so their sorry asses can be dumped.

There are a few good ones out there, though. I've been fortunate on that score.
When I finished telling my story to the first one, he said; "You need to leave her."

I walked up to him and asked; "How do you know? You've just heard my side of the story."
He said he's been doing this for 17 years, and after all that time, he *just knew*...
I lol'd because that's what I tell the people I work with!

It really helped with my detachment, that's for sure.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dadof4-

New Hampshire, huh? I'm originally from round those parts, I don't see many others around that are.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been thinking about trying to get my wife onto this site...For you guys that have spouses on here, any thoughts or ground rules you all set?

My FWW (WalkinOnEggshelz) has been on SI almost as long as I have. I used to post quite a bit more than she did but at some point that flipped. Although these days we're both busy enough that we mostly just lurk. Really only ever had a problem once (three years ago on October 17th coincidentally); the Mods had to admonish me to stay off of one of her threads over on the Wayward side after I publicly accused her of lying on it. Technically I was correct... but still kinda an uncool move on my part .

Overall though, having WOES on here has been an essential component of healing our marriage. There are some aspects of Reconciliation that I simply do not think she would have been capable of grasping had they been coming from me in the state that I was in at that time. There were concepts that she desperately needed to hear from other people who had been there, truths that she needed imparted to her from cooler,wiser, more objective heads than the one I had on my shoulders at the time. Maybe most importantly of all, I do not believe that she would have been
capable of understanding the mind-fucking-boggling depth of pain and destruction she had caused with her actions. I don't think she would have been willing to understand that. Strangely enough I am now far enough into R that I can sympathize with that unwillingness, fuck knows I wouldn't ever want to have to shoulder that kind of responsibly myself. For the truly remorseful that kind of guilt can be almost too cripplingly painful to bear.

Many here say that, in bringing your WS here to SI, you will lose your safe place to vent, and that is certainly true enough. And there have been instances of WS' using things their BS posted here against them, true enough. I suppose it comes down to wether or not you truly believe that your wife is remorseful. If you really do think that she is trying to fix her shit. Only you can decide that one. I think the argument for bringing them here can boil down to something as simple as: what do you have to gain vs. what do you have to lose? For me it was a pretty easy equation: to gain I had a marriage and intact family and I felt that I had pretty much fuck all to lose.

My feeling was that if WOES was such a monstrous unremorseful bitch that she would somehow find a way to use shit I said here to hurt me further? Well then that kind of answers the question of wether or not I should want to R with her doesn't it? And if she is that much of a monstrous unremorseful bitch then I really couldn't give two shits what she thinks about me, tries to do to me or says about me anyway so who gives a fuck. Then again, at that time I was kind of at the point of nuclear level relationship dissolution. Truth be told I kind of still am. If we are going down we are going down swinging, all or nothing, no holds barred, everything on the table and let the chips fall where they may to mix about a dozen or so metaphors.

As far as something I write here hurting her feelings? Well, if she gets her fee-wimgs hurt by something I might have to say about her fucking my best friend? Well I guess that's a risk I am willing to take. I like to think I'm a pretty eloquent guy, but if I ever manage to write something painful enough to rise to the level of the pain caused by what she did? Well then put me in for the fuckin Pulitzer cause I have arrived at the literary summit.

(I suppose there is always the risk of her using something I said here in a divorce proceeding, but the idea of her having to look a judge in the face and say "He said mean things about my fucking his friend all those times!" would be deliciously ironic enough to probably make it worthwhile)

At the end of the day, I don't write anything here that I wouldn't or haven't said to my FWW. Which is just another way of saying that I don't think much of anything that I wouldn't or haven't said to my FWW. Which is, in my humble opinion, as it should be. That's the kind of marriage that I insist upon in the aftermath of Infidelity. Total and complete transparency. You got a feeling? Let hear it. I got some feelings about how you are feeling? You're gonna hear about it. You got feelings about how I feel about your feelings? Fucking fantastic! Let air that shit out. It's time consuming to be sure but ultimately worthwhile in my opinion. Just make sure you clear your calendar for several months of fucking looooong conversations.

At this point, after 3+ years WOES and I have managed to work our way through all of those conversations with flying colors. Maybe one day the time will come when we hit on one we just can't work our way through. If so? Well then it is what it is, we'll just have to put on our big girl panties and decide what that means for our relationship. At least this time it will be both of us deciding, out in the open with no surprises. That's the way grownup relationships are supposed to work. I think the largest part of the 50/50 problem that existed in our marriage preA was a failure to communicate so much of what we were both feeling and thinking. I chose not to let that happen going forward. All of that sparing of each other's feelings, trying protect one another, and even more so, ourselves from all of these difficult conversations, all of these hard truths? All of that shit was just so many more paver stones on the road to fucking disaster. I'd rather just have it all out there, warts and all. We are both grownups, we can take the big nasty pill of the truth and decided what we want to do about it together.

Of course, all of this kind of hinges upon whether or not you think your wife is remorseful (or capable of becoming remorseful) or not. I am gonna go with the assumption that you do think that that she is (or could be). Otherwise why would you even pose the question? This: "I am pretty sure my wife is an irredeemably heartless, cold bitch who will stop at nothing to hurt me and I'm thinking about introducing her to SI. What do ya'll think?" is something you rarely see posted here. So going with the assumption that you think she is, or could become, remorseful...

Look, realistically speaking, any of us who are trying for Reconciliation are already taking the biggest, most illogical, most counterintuitive, high stakes gamble out there. We are taking the idiotic risk of allowing a demonstratedly toxic, damaged, deceitful and dangerous person to come back and join into our lives. Back not only into our lives, but eventually (long term goal) into our hearts.

That shit there is the highest stakes there could possibly be. Allowing that same person to come and join an anonymous online message board with you? Well that seems like pretty small potatoes when you look at it in that perspective doesn't it?

(The proceeding is in no way intended to minimize or trivialize the importance or just overall awesomeness that is the Surviving Infidelity website and it's MODs! Seriously, you guys are just a super creamy ice cream Sunday of wonderfulness smothered in awesome sauce... With nuts and cherries on the top... And those little plastic spoons that make it taste so much better than the metal ones... Seriously I love those spoons. )

Of course all of the proceeding is just my opinion, I am just as big an idiot as the next guy, it's possible my FWW has me snowed and I am living in delusion, your mileage may vary, take what you like and leave the rest, yada Yada yada.

Soldier on menz!


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, at least we still have wal v 2.0

Great post HT!
just...kinda creepy about the spoons


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots to chew on there, HT....seriously, thank you.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed... excellent post HT. Sums it up pretty well I'd say.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very well put, HT. I'm willing to bet that there are lurkers, and also betrayed wimmenz who can also get a lot out of reading that insight. I'll just go ahead and say "thank you" on behalf of them.

Take care and have a great day, guys.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think WAL ghost wrote that shit for HT.

I feel the same way as HT. My wife was aware of SI from the minute I found it. I really don't have anything much to add, except like HT, I refuse to censor myself. About anything. I don't post anything to intentionally hurt her feelings, but I know I probably do from time to time. Not like she really considered my feelings when she was on Ashley Madison soliciting sex from strangers. This isn't tit for tat - I'm not trying to shame her. I'm trying to fucking heal and stay married, which really isn't my MO. Since she isn't in IC, at least she gets some real shit from this site that I think helps her.

Like HT said, I've seen it work and not work. It's a risk, but only you know if it's a necessary one or not worth it.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting read - I will try and hang around a bit and straighten you all out.

One word of advice - don't listen to a word that character jjct writes.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
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