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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 15
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The second and less important thing is... man, there are a billion young male dicks out there, her vagina isn't any more magical than your cock is. She was easy and available for this guy, because if she was anything more than that to him then he'd be suffering through the agony you're going through right now in his heroic efforts to be with her. Where is his ass? Conspicuously fucking absent. If she doesn't understand that, then that's her damage.

What a great post. Thanks StillGoing. You guys are all great. I feel a ton better this morning.

I expressed to my wife how I felt last night and we both broke own and cried. It's going to take me a long. long time before I believe that her words of love to me a are for real and she understands this, but for now we are okay, and I'll take what I can get.

I told myself that today I am not going to think or talk about the affair. We are taking the kids to a church picnic today and we are going to play softball and just have fun as a family.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 9:20 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a somewhat interesting experience as well last night....my wife can tell something has been bothering me for a few weeks...basically, it's what many of us here have experienced: after hysterical bonding winds down, you just sort of see your wife as 'used' or 'gross' or 'tainted'.....which is kind of where I've been at. I haven't wanted her to touch, kiss, or anything-physical, me. She finally pried it out of me last night....I've been sort of keeping it to myself because even after all this, I don't like seeing her cry.

She basically listened and told me that while it does hurt her to hear it, she understands why I'd feel like that in light of what she'd done. It was a natural consequence of her actions. I was sort of taken back that she took it that well, honestly.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It amazes me how all our experiences with WWs mirror each other. They really do follow a script.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She basically listened and told me that while it does hurt her to hear it, she understands why I'd feel like that in light of what she'd done. It was a natural consequence of her actions. I was sort of taken back that she took it that well, honestly.

That's a good thing. Empathy and accountability.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys, I need your help:

Things, for me, have been going really well the last couple of weeks. Wife and I are in MC and IC, we have just started to work on our A related issues with a ton of progress. We are actually talking, without anger or shutting down, and I have began to think that maybe, just maybe, I finally have the whole truth. She has been working to show her remorse and I have seen the actions that I had been wishing for. Roller coaster at top of the hill.

However...last night we learned that one of her friends had been involved in an affair this summer and she has left her husband and two small children for... Another woman...yes, I said woman.

I feel terrible for the husband who is a real good guy, but honestly, if not for my own situation, I probably would not care about my wife's friends drama. But, while my wife is telling me what she had just found out, I asked her, "Did you tell her that you disapproved of what she is doing?" She responded with, "It's none of my buisness." I told her that she is at least giving passive consent to her friend by not saying anything.

Is it wrong for me to disappointed with my wife for not standing up for what is right? For not trying to help her friend wake up to what she's doing? For not, especially now, being a little more upset about this kind of behavior? Or, am I just too sensitive about infidelity right now and over reacting? Is this a sign that maybe wife still has boundary problems? Conflict avoidance? Or, has all this shit screwed up my brain to where I see trouble where there is none?

And finally, is the whole world going to hell in a hand basket or does it just seem like it?

[This message edited by doubleboggy at 6:11 AM, October 28th (Monday)]


I have became what I have beheld and am content that I have done right. - Elliot Ness

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel terrible for the husband who is a real good guy, but honestly, if not for my own situation, I probably would not care about my wife's friends drama. But, while my wife is telling me what she had just found out, I asked her, "Did you tell her that you disapproved of what she is doing?" She responded with, "It's none of my buisness." I told her that she is at least giving passive consent to her friend by not saying anything.

Is it wrong for me to disappointed with my wife for not standing up for what is right? For not trying to help her friend wake up to what she's doing? For not, especially now, being a little more upset about this kind of behavior? Or, am I just too sensitive about infidelity right now and over reacting? Is this a sign that maybe wife still has boundary problems? Conflict avoidance? Or, has all this shit screwed up my brain to where I see trouble where there is none?

And finally, is the whole world going to hell in a hand basket or does it just seem like it?

Tough one.

I would say it depends on how close your wife is to this woman. If this gal is just a peripheral friend, then I would say let your wife deal with it as she sees fit.

If the friend were a BFF and extremely close to both of you, then yes, I would say your wife should be more proactive in showing her disdain.

You can be proactive and reach out to this woman's husband. Tell him you are going through the hell he is going through and that you are there to give him support if he needs it.

Better yet, invite him to cme on board SI!

I think infidelity is a human condition. I don't believe there is more now than there was before, but people are being more open about it. Shame used to keep BSs from coming forwards, but sites like this one are providing an outlet that did not exist before.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doubleboggy - maybe she feels unqualified or hypocritical to say anything to her friend.

While WW was in the midst of her A's, her best friend was a married woman with two little children who was cheating on her husband. I told her that bad company corrupts but she accused me of being judgmental. They probably sat around and compared notes.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it wrong for me to disappointed with my wife for not standing up for what is right? For not trying to help her friend wake up to what she's doing? For not, especially now, being a little more upset about this kind of behavior? Or, am I just too sensitive about infidelity right now and over reacting? Is this a sign that maybe wife still has boundary problems? Conflict avoidance? Or, has all this shit screwed up my brain to where I see trouble where there is none?

And finally, is the whole world going to hell in a hand basket or does it just seem like it?

I'd be disappointed. Say what you mean, do as you say. If it wasn't any of her business then she should have told her friend those exact words and asked her to not include her in that drama. If she's going to be a participant in any capacity - even a passive listener role - then she exercises an opinion, and the opinion of silence is one of consent.

As for the world going to hell, I honestly think it's improving. This shit doesn't get fixed until it gets acknowledged as needing fixed, and it's all been busted for a long ass time. I am of the opinion that the Good Old Days weren't actually any good, it was just a bunch of people sticking their heads in the sand and pretending things were just fine.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS

She may feel the shame which is preventing her from saying anything. Do what I say not what what I do/did kind of thing.

My point is if someone really feels guilt, shame and the other associated emotions (which their earned with their actions BTW) they don't feel confident enough to offer an opinion.

Just a take on it. I would judge based on your W reaction when she told you and how it made her feel. I would not judge on what she may have said to her friend.

At the end of the day you only have control over your M as does your W. Other peoples situations are theirs. While it is a horrible situation and I don't have the time or patience to handle other WS in my life. I got more exposure to a WS than I would prefer already.

Like most things in infidelity this is a, "doing the best you could considering the circumstances, kind of thing."

Your W role is to comfort you in this and help you feel safe that the same will not happen to you. THAT is what matters. There are a lot of messed up people out there, you are never going to fix them all. You just protect what you want and what your care about.

That is a long way of saying don't come down hard on yourself or your W too hard for others peoples dysfunction. Water your own lawn.

ETA: Sorry I was responding to DS. DD you need to understand that nothing you did caused this in your life. Your W f'd upness brought this into your life. Don't put words into peoples mouths. I understand trust is hard, but when you have those convos regarding OM ask her to show you that she chose you and still chooses you. Actions are hard to fake over a long time. You will see her true colors sooner or later.

Keep the attorney close and remind her that you staying is conditional on showing you why you would want to R with her and what makes it different this time.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 11:00 AM, October 28th (Monday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I remember sitting with her at lunch one day and having one of those really comfortable conversations that you can have with a good friend. You know, the kind where you're not guarding yourself or "walking on eggshells" and you just roll from topic to topic, and I almost started crying, because I realized, at that moment, that it had been years and years since my W and I had talked with each other like that. It was eye opening. It was heart wrenching. It was one of the saddest moments for me. There was such a sense of loss, a sense of... I don't know.... It's really hard to explain.

I remember my friend actually looked at me at that moment and asked if I was okay. Nope.. Not okay. I just realized I'm in an empty M with a W who had an A, thank you very much. Not okay at all.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, but I wish my W and I could converse the way I can with some of my friends, without the tension, without the awkwardness, without the elephant in the room. I love good conversation - I can talk with anyone about anything at any time.... except my W, apparently. Isn't your W supposed to be your best friend? I mean... I don't know.

O boy can I ever relate to this.

For me. Her LTA it the big elephant in the room that no one speaks of. Talking about her LTA is off limits because she has anger issues and things quickly turn ugly. Instead of talking reasonably about her LTA and the things she said to me during that time and the things she went and did with OM. What I get instead are monkeys coming out of her ears.

I mean she practically goes insane. Totally unreasonable anger and crazy things she says. That drives me away and makes me avoid the topic all together. Which is probably why she responds as she does.

The thing is that this is SUCH a big issue that it blocks any other sort of intimate conversation. Her LTA is just THERE and lurking in the background of every conversation. It blocks truth and open sharing of thoughts and feelings.

When I see couples in the theater or on the tele that are having conversations like that or a woman act in a way that shows true commitment to her mate I just break down. Seriously. I tear up and I silently cry. Crying for what I lost because of her LTA and the way she has handled the aftermath.

We all deserve more. But this is what we got.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all deserve more. But this is what we got.

A-fucking-men, brother.

That is what scares me the most, that no matter how hard we try, no matter how long it goes, that the elephant will always be there, and that I'll never again be able to have those easy conversations with my W. Everything just feels tainted.

Her and I have talked about that extensively, but we just end up going around in circles.

Meh... like you said man, this is what we got.


Me: BH, 35
Her: WW, 36
Two girls 7 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 255 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sad day brothers. While I read your stories of R or the attempt to deal with this shit storm, I am not sure where I fit in. I signed the final D papers this morning and found myself crying in my truck afterwards, so much so I couldn't drive away. I haven't spoken or had any contact with my STBXW since 2 days after dday (april). She just left for OM. I hear things from friends that it is not all rainbows and unicorns for them and that makes me snicker. Am I mourning the death of the dream I had for us or is it for her? Half of my life has been spend with this women. She has brought me so much joy during those years and also the worst pain I have ever experienced. I know a women is out there who can have a normal, open and loving relationship but I still hold on to what could have been. Those stories of couples being together of 50+ years. Man that sounded like where I was headed. Now I just signed it all away. Well not really, she done that with the multiple affairs. Just this time she didn't want to stay or work on it. "The marriage was over for me" speech on dday. Maybe she done me a favor by leaving altogether. Time will tell. I don't know, now that the papers will be filed in court after she signs, am I "Surviving Infidelity" or coming to grips with a new chapter in life? I belong to a support group in my home town that is a lot like SI and I can talk face to face with people that have stories like ours. Do I still belong in that group? Do I need to find a divorced support group? So many questions right now. If any menz/lurkers have been discarded like a piece of trash by your WW, STBWX or FWW, I would like to know how you dealt with it.


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she done me a favor by leaving altogether

Unaware, I hope that's the case brother. As for a divorced support group, have you looked down into the Divorced/Separated thread down in ICR?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in that forum lurking as well. Lots of ladies not many men. I guess the difference between them and me are a lot have children that are keeping them busy. My kids are grown and moved out. Just me and the cats we had. She took one and I kept two.


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Unaware, sorry you're going through this brother. She's living in fantasyland. If OM is as shallow as I think he is (he stole a married woman from her husband after all), her fairy tale will end. She's barely past 40. Let's see how badly OM wants her when she's pushing 50 and he's pushing 40. If he has anything approaching a MLC, she's toast.

However it happens, the karma bus is going to run her down one of these days. Just take care of yourself and realize that you have no control over her behavior.

Speaking of the karma bus, OM gets to try and build a life with a serial cheater. A 3-time loser. What could possibly go wrong?

Live well, brother.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
UnAware43
♂ New Member
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kicker with the OM is I was told by friends that she said he had no idea she was leaving me that day. So I am not sure he really wanted a true relationship, just free porn NSA sex. I guess the best thing is not worry about it and deal with this in a constructive way so I can eventually get back out there. I don't want the next lady to catch any left over shit from this mess. Might take awhile.


Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unaware

Sorry for what you are going through. Without an end there cannot be a beginning.

Mourn, but realize that you are now in a great position. You get to make the life you want. No paranoia, no head games, no wondering when the crazy will show up.

It does get better. You are on a page one of a new chapter in your life the pages are blank and only you can write the story.

Again so sorry man. Any ending comes with pain. Let it ist for awhile it will fade, focus on you and what your new life will look like. You sound grounded, you will be just fine.

FWIW- Karma does catch up with everyone. She will pay her bill once it comes due. There are a lot of single women out there who would give their left arm to have a stand up guy like you. Just keep adding to your life, experiences, hobbies, etc. Once you find a woman you want to M, make sure you don't lose what you have gained in the process.

Take care of yourself.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unaware I'm sorry you are going through this. I count myself lucky that I have a repentant WW. Your wife just cut your legs out from under you and left. That is tough.

But I cried too right after I filed for D. I went home and just cried on the bed until I passed out. I've been there too.

I don't know about Karma, but people who live their lives in denial, like your xWW, never ever find peace.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unaware, you didn't sign anything away, you chose to free yourself from an unremorseful person with some severe issues that they can't seem to address. When your spouse is unremorseful then filing for and getting a D is like cutting an anchor. Feels like you were drowning before and it still does but over time you will realize how much lighter you are and you can swim to shore. Your STBXWW on the other hand is unremorseful and if she can't change her tune will sink and carry anyone with her that she latches onto.

I filed and I get a "do-over". I can do things the way I want with my life now. I still have some work to do but I'm getting there and so will you. Keep posting, you survive infidelity by moving forward whether it's in R or D.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:08 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unaware, you won't have a second dday, nor do you have to keep tabs on your fWW to see if she is still lying, you won't live with a trigger. No phone records to check, no VAR to buy.
Look at the bright side. I think you've been done a favor-it may not seem like it now, though.
All our wives dicarded us like trash. Some of us can't leave due to young children.


time wounds all heels

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