Something you may want to dicuss with your IC that helped me was reframing (I think it is called that or something similar)
Basically the values we adhere to can be looked at from many vantage points. They stay at their core consistent, but the how you define them changes.
For example, I also would normally cut people out of my life who did me wrong. It was very black and white thinking. After much IC where I was challenged to consider it was something I did not always follow. I had made choices, in the past, when to invoke or not. I still have/had the same opportunity. I was keeping a absolute value that I didn't always follow. It was fear. I confronted it enough that fear was still present, but did not rule my emotions all the time. It is kind of complex, but that was the general idea.
I think changing my view that her A was something that my W did to me versus it was something she did to herself was just as helpful. I left the victim mentality behind and began to see her as her own victim. My life is better than it was and today I have a M that adds to my life. My M allows me the freedom I did not know I wanted. If it ends someday, it ends. I don't fear it therefore I don't allow it to control me. (most days, anyway) My W really admires me and knows what a rare find I am. I used to look to my W to reflect back how I valued myself. Little did I know looking at it myself is much, much better.
Anyway before I get painted as a softie or start talking about rainbows and unicorn farts, I will mention very soon I am going to climb up into tree, wait for something cute to run by, shoot it, cut it's head off, give aforementioned head to a taxidermist and and once returned, hang it on my wall. Probably even give it a nickname and talk to it some (after too many macrobrew beers).
Just wanted to get that out there in the interest of full disclosure
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I'm sure my wife feels better about herself, now that she's confirmed that post-40, there are men out there who will still use her as a warm blow-up doll for as long as she'll let them. And biggest shocker of all - her husband finds that reality to be quite disturbing! So I must really love her after all. Who knew?
Well, with something like two-thirds of all M's experiencing an A by one or both partners, if that was true, they'd all be just about fucking perfect by now, huh? I think that's why we now have gay marriage, the straights have screwed it up so bad we might as well give somebody else a shot.
In my experience, beer fixes broken collarbones. Pot fixes anxiety attacks, just not a good idea before work. Gutting through today after this morning's event.
Scary to me too, I thought I was through this a long time ago.
Short story, coworkers' A triggered brutal flashbacks. Looks like PTSD, getting help from W (who finally "got it", 37 years late), seeking professional help.
Long story, see my post for more details here:
Punch Line: Do not rugsweep! This was a long time ago, before the post-Vietnam research on PTSD and Dr Glass and all the best practices we've come to know and love on SI. We didn't know any better, did the best we could the circumstances, but I took a lot of damage below the water line that didn't "surface" until recently.
Second ride on the roller coaster is one stone bitch. Did I tell you not to rugsweep? Don't do it.
Face the demon together until is it dead and buried. FWW doesn't want to play? Push her harder, you have nothing to lose but your future sanity.
Cheating on your spouse can save your marriage
numb&dumb....send me some jerky!!!!
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
That's my hard story, don't want to leave you there. Here's the other side of the coin.
We did R, however imperfectly and are still married after all this. We are still very much in love, have had a great life together. 40th anniversary coming up soon. Two great kids, born after our A's. Lots of success, material, emotional and spiritual in our lives. Great extended family (with the usual ratio of total whack-jobs) on both sides.
It can be done, but take my advice and do it right. I can't guarantee that will save you from what I'm going through, but I can golly-damn sure promise what can happen if you don't do the work.
I get blamed for NOT sharing my intimate feelings with my W, even though most of the time when I do she either a) doesn't respond at all, b) becomes very defensive or c) turns the situation around to somehow be about her.
FWW finally "got it", has been a ton more help to me than ever before (decades late, but better than never, eh?). But even so, the other day I was sharing things I was sad about. I said that our life together could have been so much more intimate, deeper, and satisfying.
She was like, "What?" Understand, Emotional Unavailability (EU) is one of her FOO issues that contributed to her A in the first place. I know that, reconcilled to it a long time ago. But still, "What?"
Tried to explain, couldn't be done. Like speaking Swahili to a Martian.
You have no idea how much good SI, and BMenz, and you have done for me. Just trying to pay for my ride here.
I posted on that thread in General a couple of times, it was getting increasingly triggery for me so I am trying to stay away from it. Allot of denial (of the obvious) going on there.
My WWs LTA started in that same work wife&husband way.
It became an EA and went for years that way. During that time WW was horrible to me. Verbally abusive and angry all the time. She told me after Dday that OM was giving her *advice* on how to improve our M.
Eventually that advice extended to them screwing in our van at their work. And that extended to him hiding in our neighborhood until I left for work. He would then sneak into our house and they would screw in our bed. The PA went on for another 3+ years.
Those work relationships are definitely slippery slopes especially if one or both dont have good boundaries.
I can definitely see how seeing that going on after being a BH can be traumatic. It would be so for me.
No way that gets up my driveway. . He'll just have to unhook the trailer at the bottom of the driveway. He can pick it back up Monday.
The main reason I sought out therapy was because I was dealing with issues with the biological disconnect between me and my boy. It took her awhile, but she was finally able to reframe that for me as well. She explained to me that her belief is that children choose their parents, and while mine had a bumpy path to get here, he ultimately chose me as his dad. That concept made my jaw hit the floor.
The following week I was stunned. Then a rush of feelings hit me, and I wrote a four page letter to my son, which he may or may not see some day. I brought that letter in to my IC session, and she thumbed through it briefly, and threw it down on the table, and said, "This doesn't do me a damn bit of good." I was shocked, and asked her why. And she said, "It won't do you any good either. Not unless you read it out loud. Now."
3/4 of a box of kleenex, and half an hour later, I was even more firmly set in the reframing that she helped me put in place.
Reframing is hard, but man can it be healing.
That's a beautiful brew, Sal! I will be getting there myself shortly!!
That's beautiful, but tonight, I'm going straight to Tequila. One hour to go. Got an expensive date planned with W at Costco. Shots first.
God I hate this daylight savings time. Gets dark an hour early and I get up in the dark either way.
That's beautiful, but tonight, I'm going straight to Tequila. One hour to go.
Sounds good to me More. I'm probably going to chase down a shot or two of JD before the night's up.
Got an expensive date planned with W at Costco. Shots first.
Don't blame you. Have fun.
Post something frothy for us, Losfer.
A great weekend to all my BM brothers!
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:29 PM, November 8th (Friday)]
Don't let your W get away with refusing to discuss the A and answer your questions.
That can bite you in the arse though.
Early on after Dday I started asking questions. WW would answer freely (with some anger though) but she would put her answer in the most hurtful way possible.
I still have scars from that.
This was obviously a ploy on her part to make me stop asking. Sadly it worked.