Giving 7 hours of your time like this is not healthy and its not necessary to do this to find a good relationship.
Seriously? A guy here - I don't think I could disagree more with that statement. I am currently single and dating and I willingly give much more time than that to a person I am just getting to know. I will do whatever it takes. To me, seeking/finding/learning a new SO is a pretty damned big deal and worth the extraordinary effort required. However, add the complexity of multi-dating (I can't believe I am doing that - I must be nutz) and a guy can go loopy. I need to put a stop to that - quickly.
He emailed me this morning, but hasn't asked me out again. I emailed back. Trying to let it unfold without over thinking.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Trying to let it unfold without over thinking.
So hard to learn this part of OLD for me. So much is out of my control. Heck, most of the part I think is in my control is actually out of my control. I'm trying not to take it too seriously, until I get serious about someone.
I like the comment you made about learning how to give a guy compliments even though that was a hot button with your marriage. A big part of this current journey for me, is learning how to do things differently without bringing all the ghosts from the past into the here and now...hard work this dating sh*t!
Coffee date for me this afternoon as well as
a couple other "open houses" in the works in the next week or so. Sheesh, look at B4me, all multi dating and stuff.
I am going to try to Zen this one and see what happens. I'm not multi-dating, and I don't want to force myself either. It just doesn't feel right to me.
My problem is that I can't do anything physical if the guy is multi-dating. Just me. Feels wrong. So, if he asks me out again, I'll go and see what happens. But if the kissing starts, then I'll have to discuss my position. It is just who I am.
I stand by my earlier statements, "I know I suck at dating."
That is pretty much it in a nutshell. Thus my reason for multi-dating. Though, I have yet to go on a "date" with any of them. That starts soon and then I will be extremely .
"I know I suck at dating."
***shhhh**** a girl has to have her secrets!
I put in 2 or so hours into emails, coffee+ plus drive time, over an hour, then 2 phone calls at almost 3 hours, then texting of another hour. So, at least 7+ hours of my very limited time invested in a week. That is a lot of time for me to give a person, some of it cutting into my sleep time, some into my study time...
I'm hearing mixed thing from you. It sounds to me that you are kind of disappointed that he is not asking you out despite all this time you gave him including giving up your sleep and study time.
I don't feel like I was giving too much, but more getting to know a guy that kinda has my interest.
On the other hand it's all OK in your mind to sacrifice sleep and study because a guy has your interest.
I think it might help to delineate the difference between the introductions phase of OLD, and when you actually have a relationship. You are displaying behavior appropriate when there is some kind of relationship. But I worry for you that sacrificing sleep and study for a stranger who may never turn into a relationship partner leaves you feeling resentful and disappointed.
Please take care of yourself and put your needs before any stranger until he has done more to prove that he is worthy of your sacrifices.
I do have mixed feelings about him. That is very typical for me when first starting to get to know someone. I am never "YES!". I am always either "Hell NO" or "ehh...maybe". I am a thinker/planner/evaluator. I know I am, no surprise there. When my brain starts, I post on SI to get it out. :)
The night after we talked late (I talked to him on my 30 minute drive home from class, then an hour more, so not all wasted), the following night I cut the conversation/texting short so I didn't stay up late communicating with him. Tonight, it was 30 minutes while waiting to meet a friend for dinner (she ran late, so I did have the time to talk...while I shopped! Paper was done, turned in and I was happy to get out of the house!)
I haven't dated yet since I've started my MS, so learning to juggle my schedule is a process. I keep adding things on and hoping I keep the balls in the air. But, everything is important to me, (obviously kids and school first), so I will keep learning to juggle. Dating is a choice, I will have to sacrifice/learn to juggle in order TO date. I generally plan my study time at least a week in advance depending on what is due, what kids need, etc. So far...so good.
I know where I get messed up is when there is a...change. Contact was everyday, then that changed without explanation. I assume he isn't into me, then I go from there.
My IC says I have a strong self-protection mode still going on. I don't want to get hurt again, so I shove the guy away before he has the opportunity to hurt me. What we are working on in IC is learning to push, instead of shove. Learning when I feel that panic, to step back from it instead of pushing it away. Instead of confronting him, I talk to friends or post on SI. Better than confronting him/shoving away, which is my gut instinct. I have to talk my way around the...trigger.
It is a process, a process, a fucking process.
As far as complimenting a guy without inflating his ego just know this. We are very simple creatures. You can compliment us without giving us a big head. Just tell us you like our shirt. Or that you like our car (if you do like it that is because that's huge in guy-world). Find out if there's something he likes doing (I don't know even fishing or something) and tell him you would really love to try that and could he teach you. We love being teachers if the woman genuinely seems game. Overall we aren't difficult people.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
For me, I have a steep learning curve on "being a guy" since I was somehow married to a gay guy. I don't get "typical male", everything is skewed. But, I know it is skewed and I have to go to friends to be all like, "What the hell is THIS??" They tell me, "Oh, it is just a guy..."
This IS the fun part, getting to know someone. My guard is up, but that is OK. I"m open to the process...and no, he isn't "perfect", but he is "real"...and real is much more important than perfect.
He texted me this morning already. Offered to bring me coffee. Good man.