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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So, if a guy is emailing/texting...
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving 7 hours of your time like this is not healthy and its not necessary to do this to find a good relationship.

Seriously? A guy here - I don't think I could disagree more with that statement. I am currently single and dating and I willingly give much more time than that to a person I am just getting to know. I will do whatever it takes. To me, seeking/finding/learning a new SO is a pretty damned big deal and worth the extraordinary effort required. However, add the complexity of multi-dating (I can't believe I am doing that - I must be nutz) and a guy can go loopy. I need to put a stop to that - quickly.

JMHO.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I disagree with that statement too, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don't feel like I was giving too much, but more getting to know a guy that kinda has my interest.

He emailed me this morning, but hasn't asked me out again. I emailed back. Trying to let it unfold without over thinking.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like multi-dating while in the gray zone. Call it having a few irons in the fire; interviewing multiple candidates for the job; window shopping; going for a test drive. If you were looking for a new home, you would visit several open houses. And then you might even circle back to the first house you looked at, hoping that it's still available and you don't have to throw in a sweetener to outbid another offer. Tre romantic, no?

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to let it unfold without over thinking.
Yep. Zen it cmego.

So hard to learn this part of OLD for me. So much is out of my control. Heck, most of the part I think is in my control is actually out of my control. I'm trying not to take it too seriously, until I get serious about someone.

I like the comment you made about learning how to give a guy compliments even though that was a hot button with your marriage. A big part of this current journey for me, is learning how to do things differently without bringing all the ghosts from the past into the here and now...hard work this dating sh*t!

Coffee date for me this afternoon as well as
a couple other "open houses" in the works in the next week or so. Sheesh, look at B4me, all multi dating and stuff.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, maybe a throw back from the past, but I don't compete for a man's attention. If he is "shopping around", then I can tell he isn't that into me.

I am going to try to Zen this one and see what happens. I'm not multi-dating, and I don't want to force myself either. It just doesn't feel right to me.

My problem is that I can't do anything physical if the guy is multi-dating. Just me. Feels wrong. So, if he asks me out again, I'll go and see what happens. But if the kissing starts, then I'll have to discuss my position. It is just who I am.

I stand by my earlier statements, "I know I suck at dating."


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LeopoldB -

That is pretty much it in a nutshell. Thus my reason for multi-dating. Though, I have yet to go on a "date" with any of them. That starts soon and then I will be extremely .


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I know I suck at dating."

cmego -


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***shhhh**** a girl has to have her secrets!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put in 2 or so hours into emails, coffee+ plus drive time, over an hour, then 2 phone calls at almost 3 hours, then texting of another hour. So, at least 7+ hours of my very limited time invested in a week. That is a lot of time for me to give a person, some of it cutting into my sleep time, some into my study time...

I'm hearing mixed thing from you. It sounds to me that you are kind of disappointed that he is not asking you out despite all this time you gave him including giving up your sleep and study time.

I don't feel like I was giving too much, but more getting to know a guy that kinda has my interest.

On the other hand it's all OK in your mind to sacrifice sleep and study because a guy has your interest.

I think it might help to delineate the difference between the introductions phase of OLD, and when you actually have a relationship. You are displaying behavior appropriate when there is some kind of relationship. But I worry for you that sacrificing sleep and study for a stranger who may never turn into a relationship partner leaves you feeling resentful and disappointed.

Please take care of yourself and put your needs before any stranger until he has done more to prove that he is worthy of your sacrifices.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5862 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he called me tonight (wow...a guy that calls...out of the blue...no texting...!!) and we spoke about 30 minutes and he asked me out again this week. This past weekend seemed to be a miscommunication because he said, "Well, I wish I had known you didn't go out with your friend...my plans changed and you could have come out with me!". Not exactly sure what happened, but..whatever.

I do have mixed feelings about him. That is very typical for me when first starting to get to know someone. I am never "YES!". I am always either "Hell NO" or "ehh...maybe". I am a thinker/planner/evaluator. I know I am, no surprise there. When my brain starts, I post on SI to get it out. :)

The night after we talked late (I talked to him on my 30 minute drive home from class, then an hour more, so not all wasted), the following night I cut the conversation/texting short so I didn't stay up late communicating with him. Tonight, it was 30 minutes while waiting to meet a friend for dinner (she ran late, so I did have the time to talk...while I shopped! Paper was done, turned in and I was happy to get out of the house!)

I haven't dated yet since I've started my MS, so learning to juggle my schedule is a process. I keep adding things on and hoping I keep the balls in the air. But, everything is important to me, (obviously kids and school first), so I will keep learning to juggle. Dating is a choice, I will have to sacrifice/learn to juggle in order TO date. I generally plan my study time at least a week in advance depending on what is due, what kids need, etc. So far...so good.

I know where I get messed up is when there is a...change. Contact was everyday, then that changed without explanation. I assume he isn't into me, then I go from there.

My IC says I have a strong self-protection mode still going on. I don't want to get hurt again, so I shove the guy away before he has the opportunity to hurt me. What we are working on in IC is learning to push, instead of shove. Learning when I feel that panic, to step back from it instead of pushing it away. Instead of confronting him, I talk to friends or post on SI. Better than confronting him/shoving away, which is my gut instinct. I have to talk my way around the...trigger.

It is a process, a process, a fucking process.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I think losing sleep, staying out later than usual or time getting cut from other boring things is some of the "good stuff" about dating and getting to know someone. Especially if you're having a great time and enjoying it. And lord knows many of us deserve a good time with someone after the crap we went through. Who cares if you don't get to bed on time. First weekend I dated my gf we were out until 3am several weekends in a row. I couldn't remember the last time I did that since exWW and I dated in our 20's. It was fantastic time and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. Sure I was exhausted, but that settles down after a bit and you can be left with fun memories. Sometimes I think many people dating forget how to have fun on a date and turn it into a job interview (how boring...ZZZZ). I also think many need to lighten up a bit about dating and stop trying to analyze the other gender so much. In the comments I read many are trying to find the perfect person to fit in the perfect mold that fits our exact lifestyle at this moment or in the near future. Not gonna happen. I think if you aren't flexible and take chances you will have nothing but dating failure. Just my own opinion.

As far as complimenting a guy without inflating his ego just know this. We are very simple creatures. You can compliment us without giving us a big head. Just tell us you like our shirt. Or that you like our car (if you do like it that is because that's huge in guy-world). Find out if there's something he likes doing (I don't know even fishing or something) and tell him you would really love to try that and could he teach you. We love being teachers if the woman genuinely seems game. Overall we aren't difficult people.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! SeanFLA- one of the first comments he made to me was "Hope you aren't into cars, I lost my favorite one in the D! Now, its a minivan." I just laughed, I lost my favorite care in the D too. Oh, well, we all have a bunch of young kids and financially hurt by the D, so we make do with crappy-ish cars.

For me, I have a steep learning curve on "being a guy" since I was somehow married to a gay guy. I don't get "typical male", everything is skewed. But, I know it is skewed and I have to go to friends to be all like, "What the hell is THIS??" They tell me, "Oh, it is just a guy..."

This IS the fun part, getting to know someone. My guard is up, but that is OK. I"m open to the process...and no, he isn't "perfect", but he is "real"...and real is much more important than perfect.

He texted me this morning already. Offered to bring me coffee. Good man.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah lost my small weekend sports convertible as well so I could pay my attorney. I really miss it now that the weather here is cooling. But I have my eye on another one in the near future!


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Topic Posts: 33
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