I went to my IC session shortly after I wrote a hurt filled post this morning and my counselor said this (summarizing, of course):
"You are both hurting. In different ways, but you are hurting. At this point it doesn't matter who is hurting more or who started it or who hurt who first. What matters is that you are both hurting. If you lay all your cards out on the table you could just say...we are hurting at the same time. Because of that hurt you are both saying and doing things based on emotional responses."
She said we both have our walls up and are both defensive and protective of ourselves. We both want to say "I won't do this until she/he does this" and it is blocking us from healing, essentially.We need to recognize that we are both in pain. His pain may be different, but it's there. I know it is. I've seen his tears. HE may not feel what I feel and I don't feel what he feels. Only he knows what really went on in the affair, but what I can start to know, or learn, is that no matter what happened he regrets it, he is hurting, he wants us to repair this and grow stronger. I want that too.
My counselor said, "You both want the same thing -- to fix this marriage -- that is your common ground."
And she is right.
So when I get upset that he made this move (calling an attorney for a consultation, which has since been canceled), I have to understand he did it as a reaction to hurt, to fear, to pain that I am not inflicting, necessarily, but that the situation is.
And by responding in anger, based on fear and hurt, it does hurt the situation. By basing every reaction on emotion, instead of logic, we stall ourselves in our individual and collective healing.
Her words about us both hurting and both letting our emotions rule completely (they have to rule a bit, because we are human after all) hit me right between the eyes today. While I was sitting in the session my phone started beeping, very quietly. I looked down and I had seven "love you"s in my text messages. I came home and his arms were around me. We held each other and later we had some very tender moments that for the first time since this all started felt real and hopeful and like a marriage should be.
I really want BS and WS to realize.....as the process of healing continues...if the WS is really remorseful, then at some point we are all on a level playing field of hurt and emotional pain and a desire to heal.
Suh a great post. It really is a shame that my primary thought is : Am I the only one that mostly doesn't care that my wh is hurting?
There are days I really feel the same way. I do. Especially when all of this first started. THe less whiney he is about his "pain" and the more he admits he has been making this more about him than me, the less I feel that way.
And it's not 100 percent- I am still working on it. And I still get angry.
Stopping it is impossible at this point....you both are wondering if the other is committed....if the A was a deal breaker for either of you.
Try to rest when you can, refrain from any life altering decisions for at least 6 months, a year is better.
I post out of compassion....I pray it comes across as such.
Peace be with you both.
Because he doesn't want to be D either. Because he is filled with self-hatred and disgust over his backsliding. Because he's terrified about the possibility of him dying of prostrate cancer like his father, when his eldest SIL had the same cancer that took his mother not two years ago. That he's embarrassed and humiliated that he is jobless now.
It takes all of my compassion and reason to understand and try to offer him a helping hand when he's hurt me so horribly. Even though he has reacted with grace when I threw him out of the bedroom.
Its so fricking hard, to remember that we are both hurting. When I'm hurting.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Kind of a ramble, probably not helpful.
Just step back sometimes and feel the sun on your face and look at something beautiful.
[This message edited by topperoff22 at 6:46 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
You are very new to this. Every one of us has gone through what you are going through.
Your WH has cheated on you twice..has thrown things at you and been verbally and emotionally abusive. All of these things have come out in your posts. When people offer advice,they are doing so based on their experiences and YOUR posts. You won't always agree with the advice here..take what you want and leave the rest. But,remember,we are all hurting here.
[This message edited by confused615 at 8:30 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
We both want to say "I won't do this until she/he does this" and it is blocking us from healing,
I think there are posters replying to you who have been at this a lot longer and are sending you a cautionary tale.
I guess I interpret what your IC said as a bit of rugsweeping, especially this close to DDay.
I'm not sure what she meant by the above quote. I guess I would suggest you NOT give anything until you receive full remorse from him for a long time! He should be the giver right now, and falling over himself to make things right for YOU! You have a right to be protective - and should be until HE proves himself safe to be with.
The playing field is never level. And this is coming from someone who had an affair and then was "affaired on." it is just two separate traumatic awful hurts.... I wish counselors would realize this.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
Some of you people really have problems. You try to take something good and twist and twist and twist until it is bad
There are some people who just want to tear down no matter what. Go tear down your own life and leave me alone.
And if you are here and yuor husband has cheated three and four times on you???? Seriously??? Stand up and get OUT!!!!!
And if you think my post was part of the bitterness: let's revisit this in a couple months when the shock wears off and all you feel is serious anger.
You are better than this Topper. You post thoughtful, emotional topics. I appreciate your posts because they make me think. But you lay them out there for input. Don't get mad when you get others' truly honest opinions in a non-confrontational manner. It's what you ask for.
I hope your still visiting the forum. I remember how raw the feelings were in those first few moths. When the emotions are running high things get said that can't be taken back and things get done that can't be undone. I began to realize, like you did, that he is hurting too. Yes their hurt is different than ours, but its still REAL. This is not to condone what they have done or to make excuses for their destructive behaviour, but to try to Understand and HEAL!
I realize now that as painful as this whole ordeal has been I would not trade places with my fWH. Yes I have suffered from heartbreak, confusion, fear and the humiliation that comes from discovering that someone who loved more than anyone else in the world was capable of hurting me in this way. It's been a humbling experience! However, if I were given the opportunity to trade places with him...I would not. Not in a million years would I want to feel the shame, fear and regret that he is feeling now. I still have the respect of friends and family, not to mention the respect of our children. Most of all I still have my self-respect. I can hold my head high with the knowledge that I have lived my life with Integrity. I have honoured my promises to him.
He has to live with the knowledge that he caused tremendous pain to those that he loves most in the world...including himself.
I appreciate your post. It has reminded me that R is "our common ground". And God knows we need those reminders sometimes.
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
It is great to be optimistic...it is great that you acknowledge that he is hurting too..because Im sure he is. But right now,you need to care for you. In the last week your posts have been all over the place..which is normal..you're 2 months out on an emotional roller coaster. You have had 2 ddays. Everyone here just wants you to be cautious. It is too early to say if your WH is remorseful. True remorse comes with time. The beginning of R should be about you and helping you. You have had your world torn apart. By his choices and decisions. Of course at some point the WS's pain and premarital issues need to be addressed..but 2 months out from R? When you are still just trying to breath? No. YOU come first right now. You are bleeding out. Once you get that under control,once the two of you have tended to the bleeding,then you can help him, and then you can focus on premarital issues.
Your WH needs to face all that he has done..he needs to see your pain and hear you tell him how you feel. Even if it hurts him. How else will he understand just how devastating his actions were?
No rugsweeping. You will get though this. We will help you,if you let us. I hope you do.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:25 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]