It's too early for you to do this. It's too early for remorse. It's too fast for you to say this or that.
What's the freaking point of even trying. I freaking quit. Hey, maybe you are all right. Fuck his pain. Just fuck it. I shouldn't give a flying fuck. Right? That's the message I am getting right now. Fuck that empathy bullshit....focus on you and only you. Guess what..that's one way I got where I am.
I refuse to post anything positive anymore. Just not worth the effort.
Im sorry you feel we are trying to hurt you. That is the very last thing I am trying to do. We just want you to be cautious. And take care of you.
The point of trying is to get to a better place than you are now. It takes time and a ton of work..work he has not done YET.
Of course you should care that he is hurting. You love him. On dday I sat on the floor and cradled my sobbing husband and comforted him. Because I love him. But you also have to allow him to own hisactions..to see your pain..to talk and talk and talk about what he did..so you can get THROUGH it.
Again, I apologize that you feel as if you aren't being supported here. You have actually been given very good advice.
It's been said around here..if something you read makes you really angry..it's usually because there's truth in it that you don't want to face.
I will stop posting on this thread. Im trying to help, but Im not. Im sorry.
[This message edited by confused615 at 10:10 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I thought that by posting in 'reconciliation' I would be safe from attacks of anger and hatred when I share a positive story. At times, it almost feels like there is a core 'clique' here and when they post positive stories, are cheered on and celebrated, while others are challenged and questioned. It has made me feel like I'm perceived as a child who needs re-direction, when I am actually an adult who is looking for support.
So, I would say, topperoff22, don't give up, just be selective about what you put out there, and see if your thoughts change after a while when you re-read this thread. They certainly might not, there's no way that this kind of forum can be perfect for everyone, right?
I don't know, just want to commiserate and celebrate with people, not get yelled at.
topperoff22, if you feel this way too, you are not alone. I think in times of less pain, we may be able to sort through people's comments and take what we need while ignoring the rest. It's hard to ignore it when you're in a delicate state like we are. I don't know, everything's a struggle now.
and let me tell you, my husband saying he was sorry....crying, hurting, promising me he loved me and our baby....all of that felt so good and reassuring. but the truth was that it was just the beginning. the real work had not even begun. the real work began when he stopped crying, begging, and being sorry....it became more about helping me healm no matter what...and him taking the steps to make real changes in his life. talk is cheap and means nothing. it became about him radically changing his behavior. and it starts by the wayward pretty much moving heaven and earth to make you feel safe.
as a BS we always want to think our cheater is "different"...that it wasnt so bad...that he is not like the other people. but the truth is...the ugly truth is that infedelity at any level is horrific. doesnt matter if he did it 1 or twice...or had multiple affairs. it still breaks you. it breaks us to learn what they are capable of...how they could deliberatly hurt us in this way. it takes a very long time to get through this.
i know you are upset with the posters...but try not to be. keep coming here, keep posting.
we are here for you...only as your friends.
I struggle, even over a year out, with feeling EMPATHY. Partially because I am scared of the source of his pain. He says that it is because he hurt me and because he messed up our relationship. I want to believe it, I really do, but part of me can't help but wonder if he feels pain because he misses one of the OWs. I will never ever know the answer to that question, and I am not yet at a place where I can trust that answer. So there is just no empathy from me at this point, because I am scared that his pain is about another woman as well. Additionally, I have a hard time feeling empathy for his pain and comparing it to mine because he made a choice. He had fun while making that choice. I didn't. I felt pain during his choice and feel pain after. It was not pain that I chose. He stole that from me.
I admire anyone who is able to look beyond the why and how and who, and simply understand that pain is pain. Unfortunately, I am not there yet. Sometimes, it is easier to keep my fingers pointed.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
And if you think my post was part of the bitterness: let's revisit this in a couple months when the shock wears off and all you feel is serious anger.
You don't think I've already felt serious anger? Are you SERIOUS????? lol! (edited to add a laugh because I'm really not mad at you!) Maybe I'll never feel the anger you felt because (edited a failed joke here because it sounded waaay snottier than I meant it) we're not the same person, but the shock wore off the first month...most of the time I am in a state of rage I didn't even know I had in me, but in the end that isn't going to help me at all.
Despite responding to you with a bit of irritation here, I still appreciate your words ahead of this particular quote, I understand the gist of what you are saying AND I know you mean well. I do! Let's stay strong together!
[This message edited by topperoff22 at 6:45 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
This is rude and uncalled for. You are hurting and we get that but you have no clue what drives any of these people here. You may be hurting but that doesn't give you the right to lash out to innocent people.
You are absolutely right. Thank you for putting me in my place. *slap* wake up call to me!
[This message edited by devasted30 at 7:26 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
You don't think I've already felt serious anger? Are you SERIOUS????? lol!
I didn't meant to imply that you didn't. I wasn't clear and I apologize. I am in an almost exclusive anger cycle at the moment. As long as we aren't talking about his EA I'm fine, we are actually closer now that we have been since his dad died. But when we do talk about it, I have unabated rage. Before I would change from bereft to just sad to something akin to understanding. Then, it completely morphed into its own being in the last month. I hope to reach a point where I can be at LEAST sympathetic but right now, I don't give 2 shits about his pain. My own is too acute. A big part of that is because I have ALWAYS cared about his pain and thought of him and our family first. Always. It is an extremely hard pill to swallow when "your one person" fully admits that he didn't think about you and your feelings.
It is an extremely hard pill to swallow when "your one person" fully admits that he didn't think about you and your feelings.
You know, what? I absolutely, absolutely get this. I do. Because I did the same thing with my WH.
read most of these notes this morning and tried posting a message but somehow I erased everything instead of posting it. Probably a good thing because it was a bit nasty and I would have probably regretted it. Especially now that I see what you have posted this afternoon.
As my Southern cousin would say "Honey, this totally sounds like me. Bless your heart."
Agreed. Hang in there.
I admire anyone who is able to look beyond the why and how and who, and simply understand that pain is pain. Unfortunately, I am not there yet. Sometimes, it is easier to keep my fingers pointed
Hang in there honey. Just want you to know I'm on the same roller coaster. The goods and the bads and the crazies.
No real tips right now- just waving at you from my seat on the ride.
Is there a photo at the end? We can turn it into keychains and mouse pads, right?