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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: We are both hurting..in different ways
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have all pushed me straight into the gutter again.

It's too early for you to do this. It's too early for remorse. It's too fast for you to say this or that.

What's the freaking point of even trying. I freaking quit. Hey, maybe you are all right. Fuck his pain. Just fuck it. I shouldn't give a flying fuck. Right? That's the message I am getting right now. Fuck that empathy bullshit....focus on you and only you. Guess what..that's one way I got where I am.

I refuse to post anything positive anymore. Just not worth the effort.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sure he feels like crap. Im sure he is truly sorry for what he has done. But TRUE remorse? His behavior,his actions,throwing things at you and screaming at you while you are in a fetal position on the floor..that is NOT true remorse. That is an angry,scared, and frustrated man. True remorse is about you. Giving you whatever you need to get through the day. I think it's kind of unfair to expect a WS to be truly remorseful on dday..especially if they got caught. Sorry,regretful,humbled,yes. But remorse come with time..it comes from actually having to live with the consequences of his actions and realizing the full depth of his betrayal..his betrayal of you..and himself.


Im sorry you feel we are trying to hurt you. That is the very last thing I am trying to do. We just want you to be cautious. And take care of you.

The point of trying is to get to a better place than you are now. It takes time and a ton of work..work he has not done YET.

Of course you should care that he is hurting. You love him. On dday I sat on the floor and cradled my sobbing husband and comforted him. Because I love him. But you also have to allow him to own hisactions..to see your pain..to talk and talk and talk about what he did..so you can get THROUGH it.

Again, I apologize that you feel as if you aren't being supported here. You have actually been given very good advice.

It's been said around here..if something you read makes you really angry..it's usually because there's truth in it that you don't want to face.

I will stop posting on this thread. Im trying to help, but Im not. Im sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:10 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7399 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there's anything that we have hopefully all learned through the As, it's that feelings can change. I agree with topperoff22, that sometimes this place is not right for you.

I thought that by posting in 'reconciliation' I would be safe from attacks of anger and hatred when I share a positive story. At times, it almost feels like there is a core 'clique' here and when they post positive stories, are cheered on and celebrated, while others are challenged and questioned. It has made me feel like I'm perceived as a child who needs re-direction, when I am actually an adult who is looking for support.

So, I would say, topperoff22, don't give up, just be selective about what you put out there, and see if your thoughts change after a while when you re-read this thread. They certainly might not, there's no way that this kind of forum can be perfect for everyone, right?

I don't know, just want to commiserate and celebrate with people, not get yelled at.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I'm referring to my somewhat negative experience with my post 'an imaginary letter to the OW from my fWH'. In that post I empathized a great deal, and received some very passionate and upset responses that offended me too. I realize now that everything I do is MY choice, and no one out there really knows me at all. I know that I was a bitch before. I was a terrible listener and extremely selfish, only arguing with my H to see if he would ever realize that I am completely right and he is completely wrong. So I know what I want to change about myself, and my reasons have to be sound for ME, not for anyone else.

topperoff22, if you feel this way too, you are not alone. I think in times of less pain, we may be able to sort through people's comments and take what we need while ignoring the rest. It's hard to ignore it when you're in a delicate state like we are. I don't know, everything's a struggle now.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Cool  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the most important thing i learned on this site is that whenever i felt resentment, fear, felt that someone was rude, insensitive, or just didnt know what they were talking about was this: THEY WERE ALL RIGHT ON POINT. i was just not in a position to receive the honest truth...i was scared, it hurt too much...and i was desparate to save my m. and that included, making excuses for him, blaming myself, overlooking my pain, thrilled that he was sorry...and felt that was enough, all of that. until i realized that true r does not always happen immediately. as a matter a fact, most of the time, you have to get through the TT, the lies, and shock before you can even begin to heal.

and let me tell you, my husband saying he was sorry....crying, hurting, promising me he loved me and our baby....all of that felt so good and reassuring. but the truth was that it was just the beginning. the real work had not even begun. the real work began when he stopped crying, begging, and being sorry....it became more about helping me healm no matter what...and him taking the steps to make real changes in his life. talk is cheap and means nothing. it became about him radically changing his behavior. and it starts by the wayward pretty much moving heaven and earth to make you feel safe.

as a BS we always want to think our cheater is "different"...that it wasnt so bad...that he is not like the other people. but the truth is...the ugly truth is that infedelity at any level is horrific. doesnt matter if he did it 1 or twice...or had multiple affairs. it still breaks you. it breaks us to learn what they are capable of...how they could deliberatly hurt us in this way. it takes a very long time to get through this.

i know you are upset with the posters...but try not to be. keep coming here, keep posting.

we are here for you...only as your friends.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting. As a FWW, I can tell you that being on this side is horrible as well. I am not a bad person, but I am broken, and damaged, and made a horrible choice. Its been 4 months since DD and I am still in so much pain I can barely function.
I don't want to take away from the pain of a BS. You guys had no choice but to be dragged into this horrible mess.
Just letting you know, you don't get into this situation unless you are hurting horribly to begin with.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for my cursing and anger this morning. You all have been really great. Even the tough words. Let me read through these responses again in a bit and hand out some apologies to those of you I was out of line with. Again, thank you. And I'm going to consider all of what you have said here.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
SpiderGrl
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just glad you are staying.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW..many of your are assuming what my IC meant and says. I took only part of what she said to support what I was writing. She does NOT recommend sweeping things under a rug. She does recommend working through the anger, etc. Truly, she has been very good...wwaaaaaay better than our MC who we have essentially fired.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel sympathy for his pain, I really do. I know what it like to feel pain that I brought on all by myself and it sucks.

I struggle, even over a year out, with feeling EMPATHY. Partially because I am scared of the source of his pain. He says that it is because he hurt me and because he messed up our relationship. I want to believe it, I really do, but part of me can't help but wonder if he feels pain because he misses one of the OWs. I will never ever know the answer to that question, and I am not yet at a place where I can trust that answer. So there is just no empathy from me at this point, because I am scared that his pain is about another woman as well. Additionally, I have a hard time feeling empathy for his pain and comparing it to mine because he made a choice. He had fun while making that choice. I didn't. I felt pain during his choice and feel pain after. It was not pain that I chose. He stole that from me.

I admire anyone who is able to look beyond the why and how and who, and simply understand that pain is pain. Unfortunately, I am not there yet. Sometimes, it is easier to keep my fingers pointed.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if you think my post was part of the bitterness: let's revisit this in a couple months when the shock wears off and all you feel is serious anger.

You don't think I've already felt serious anger? Are you SERIOUS????? lol! (edited to add a laugh because I'm really not mad at you!) Maybe I'll never feel the anger you felt because (edited a failed joke here because it sounded waaay snottier than I meant it) we're not the same person, but the shock wore off the first month...most of the time I am in a state of rage I didn't even know I had in me, but in the end that isn't going to help me at all.


Despite responding to you with a bit of irritation here, I still appreciate your words ahead of this particular quote, I understand the gist of what you are saying AND I know you mean well. I do! Let's stay strong together!

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 6:45 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is rude and uncalled for. You are hurting and we get that but you have no clue what drives any of these people here. You may be hurting but that doesn't give you the right to lash out to innocent people.

You are absolutely right. Thank you for putting me in my place. *slap* wake up call to me!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Topperoff22
I read most of these notes this morning and tried posting a message but somehow I erased everything instead of posting it. Probably a good thing because it was a bit nasty and I would have probably regretted it. Especially now that I see what you have posted this afternoon.
Please understand that all of us have gone through a WAR - not an exaggeration at all - we are all suffering from the worst possible hurt and anger. There is nothing worse than what I have gone through over the last year and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy - not even the OW and I believe she suffered too just not anywhere near my extent because I have been married to my WS for 30 years.
But, we all also have a common goal and that is to look after each other and protect each other because only we know the pain of what we all have gone through. We aren't trying to sabotage your healing or hurt you, we all just really care and want the best for you. We don't know what goes on in your everyday life - we just know what you have written and we just want to make sure you get through this and that you are seeing things correctly. You are in a horrible place full of pain and anger and rage etc and possibly some things said here rubbed you the wrong way, but please remember that we care. It's as simple as that. WE CARE!!!

[This message edited by devasted30 at 7:26 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1151 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Topper- I have thought if you all day. I hope you are doing ok...
One thing in my post I should have added, the ability to see things in a positive light is a very enviable quality that you are lucky to have.
Perhaps this is where you are right now and that is ok.
The recovery road is bumpy, but you know that. We have all been on this similar journey, we see ourselves in you, we don't want you to make the mistakes we did.
If you can get anything from these posts look at the Ddays of us coming down a little hard on you. We are far enough out to have a smidge of clarity. That's all we can offer you.
You are smart! Good luck honey!!
Hugs to you! (Topper)


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4906 | Registered: Dec 2010
SpiderGrl
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't think I've already felt serious anger? Are you SERIOUS????? lol!

I didn't meant to imply that you didn't. I wasn't clear and I apologize. I am in an almost exclusive anger cycle at the moment. As long as we aren't talking about his EA I'm fine, we are actually closer now that we have been since his dad died. But when we do talk about it, I have unabated rage. Before I would change from bereft to just sad to something akin to understanding. Then, it completely morphed into its own being in the last month. I hope to reach a point where I can be at LEAST sympathetic but right now, I don't give 2 shits about his pain. My own is too acute. A big part of that is because I have ALWAYS cared about his pain and thought of him and our family first. Always. It is an extremely hard pill to swallow when "your one person" fully admits that he didn't think about you and your feelings.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is an extremely hard pill to swallow when "your one person" fully admits that he didn't think about you and your feelings.

You know, what? I absolutely, absolutely get this. I do. Because I did the same thing with my WH.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

read most of these notes this morning and tried posting a message but somehow I erased everything instead of posting it. Probably a good thing because it was a bit nasty and I would have probably regretted it. Especially now that I see what you have posted this afternoon.

As my Southern cousin would say "Honey, this totally sounds like me. Bless your heart."


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

topperoff22, if you feel this way too, you are not alone. I think in times of less pain, we may be able to sort through people's comments and take what we need while ignoring the rest. It's hard to ignore it when you're in a delicate state like we are. I don't know, everything's a struggle now.

Agreed. Hang in there.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire anyone who is able to look beyond the why and how and who, and simply understand that pain is pain. Unfortunately, I am not there yet. Sometimes, it is easier to keep my fingers pointed
.
I am not there yet either. It's just something my IC wants me to look at and consider. I'm not totally there. SOme days I am. MOst days I'm not. My WH cheated with an ex who cheated on him years ago and who he told me he hated with a passion. Most of the time I want to shove his pain right up his ass.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL - topper, that made me chuckle.

Hang in there honey. Just want you to know I'm on the same roller coaster. The goods and the bads and the crazies.
No real tips right now- just waving at you from my seat on the ride.
Is there a photo at the end? We can turn it into keychains and mouse pads, right?
(((Topper))))


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 40
Pages: 1 · 2

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