Those ugly memories of horrible years in my life, places where events occurred that I wish I could forget, people that I wish I never met. Then I'm reminded, had I not been there, met those people, I would have never met QS. Complicated little emotion.
These people are so difficult to be around. The common sense side of me says, "They're like that because they're wallowing in their own non-existent self-worth. They look down on others because they themselves are deficient."
It's so hard to remember that when there is 5 of them looking down their noses at you all at once. You feel like the wounded calf among a pack of wolves.
I feel that I have to look and be perfect so that I don't give them more fuel. And yet, even in the midst of that fear, I have a "screw it" mentality. Yes, I gained 5 pounds recently. So? None of their business. Yes, my eyes look bad. I've been working crazy hours with QS and got sick. Wanna judge? Go ahead.
But at the end of the day, I have this friggin' awesome man that stands solidly beside me. Not to mention that I've grown up alot in the last 2 years. I can see the attitudes, judgement, and manipulation for what it really is now. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it a while toxic family. I know their games. Now if I can just let it bounce off me without penetrating thru my "screw it" armor.
We'll go. I'll hold my head up high, be proud of my beautiful little family, and at the end of the day, I'll wash the nasty dust from that place off my feet and walk away.
Days like today make me wish we could be in a protective little bubble. But then, if we aren't tested on what we've learned, how do we know we've actually learned it? I "think" I'm a stronger person. Pretty sure of it. However, today will prove that theory.
Yay for toxic family.
Happy Saturday/Canadian Thanksgiving/Columbus Day/College Football/Fall Festival/whatever else you have planned.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
You can do this. I'm glad you and QS are there for each other.
You should be proud of the self work you are doing and the wonderful person that you are.
Fuck 'em! (I know, real mature, but hey... )
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Strength and peace to you!
I get the whole toxic family thing. Both my family and BH's work harder to suck us into the old patterns as we resist the temptation to engage. It can be crazy making.
You ARE stronger.
I can see the attitudes, judgement, and manipulation for what it really is now.
You've got this girl!
Reading your post I just want to say "f'um, don't go" but I understand that that just may not be an option. Besides, it takes a bigger person to swallow their pride and see these people.
Hopefully you can just attend the mandatory get togethers and take the other days for you, QS & the kids to do some fun sightseeing and family stuff!
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
Just wanted to say hi and let you know that I admire your dedication to working on things. When I read your posts, they inspire me to work on myself.
Quite often, you give me things to think about.
I don't post often, but I'm here lurking quite a bit.
Thanks for posting.
Thanks for the support guys and gals. Really appreciate it. We survived. It was actually...dare I say it...really nice. One BIL is visiting from out of state and is staying with QS and I for a couple nights.
After the shin-dig last night, BIL, QS, and I were talking about how much the family dynamic has changed. How different last night was from years prior. MIL was not there. She isn't a part of our family now by her choice. And things are completely different.
Those at the get-together are not all buddy-buddy, we're not all super close, but it was pleasant. There were no undercurrents of drama, resentment, and bitterness. Which is what MIL brought to the table. Doesn't matter who you are, what your class and station is, she will resent you for something. BIL was sharing his own experiences and stories from other family members how her anger and resentment cast a shadow over everything.
Honestly, I feel bad for the woman. She's in a hell. She had a crappy early life. And instead of picking herself up and finding a way out of the mess, she wallowed herself deeper in. She lost sight of everyone and everything and has self-medicated thru destructive ways. And now she's completely consumed with anger, resentment, and hate. And she's all alone. That's really sad to see.
Also, way back in the day, BIL was one of my only friends when I was dating my emotionally abusive BF. And I was only "allowed" to be friends with him because he was my boyfriend's buddy. Anyway, last night BIL was talking about things from our past and he validated alot of stuff that I've struggled with in my mind. Even brought up a few things that I had forgotten.
As I've been dealing with this whole healing thing, I've sometimes questioned myself. Did it really happen that way? Is my perception off? Am I crazy? However, as I sat there and listened to BIL, it all came back to me afresh and I know I'm not imagining things. I'm really not crazy. (Some of you may think that's still up for debate)
So yeah. That's over and done with. It was the first time in 5 years that all the kids, spouses, and grandchildren were together. Very cool. Now I get to pack for our other trip. Leaving bright and early in the morning!
Aubrie, you had me up to that point. I was with you all the way. Then you dropped that bomb. Go Dawgs!
Dawgs and Gators do battle on November 2nd. Dun. Dun. Dunnnnn.
So glad it went well for you.