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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: SmartyPants
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the Desk of OW...

Does anyone remember as a kid, how much fun it was to have writing paper with our name on it?

That's the context for this post, because OW is so juvenile it reminds me of kid things sometimes.

As I move through this horrible process, I remember bits of conversation and they echo in my head for a long time later. So I put them on Si in hope of getting them out.

All in all, I had one "conversation" with OW and it was not recently. I put my foot down, too and was abrupt, telling her that I simply refuse to have back and forth interaction with her. I thanked her for the chance of STD's and for helping my husband walk away from his family. Then I began to try to pretend she does not exist.

As an MC said, "she is only a factor". Not the problem...well, part of the problem, but not even the biggest one, which is the monster inside him.

Anyway...

The gem of wisdom that she wished desparately to impart on me when she outed XPervert to me is this: "Oh, Mrs., you just don't understand him. I do. You just don't understand our relationship or how lurrvving we are. You don't know what that's like. You don't know him."

What?

20 year's time and growing into adults with this person and I don't understand or know him?

Amazingly, it's her who knows the fake side of him, but she'll have to learn that herself. Probably part of what I 'knew' was also fake-obviously- but I suspect what was here was the better part of his life and self.

I don't mean to act as if I'm competing with OW/Fatty B, for I'm not in my heart or mind-it just amazes me what she said and what she will put up with.

Yes, I have to flush them both back out of my head. I think so much has happened all at once recently that my mind and emotions got set back, so that my strength is down. But I work on it and I continue to work on NC.

Thanks, everybody. I can't say these things to people I know anymore because there is so much judgment and all they say back is "do you have an apartment and why are you still in the house?" and not anything that's constructive to my actual needs.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right in your assessment that it's the OW who doesn't really know him. That true knowledge only comes when you actually become the target of their cruelty and ostracism. She only knows the fake facade that he has worked most of his life to perfect. You now see beyond that, which is why he must run from you and find an ignorant host.

Its very easy to sit back and think you won as the OW. Why wouldn't it be? There are all sorts of believable justifications that our ex's can give them. They become convinced that we were unfeeling shrews and that the M was somehow tainted or wrong because of us.

Little do they know the power of the enemy that they have chosen to sleep with. They will figure it out once the monster turns on them. After three years of IC, one of the big things I've taken away is that past behavior generally dictates future behavior. Unless a massive amount of work and self reflection has been done to try to change these patterns, they will repeat.

Pity her. She has set herself up as his next victim and she's too arrogant to see it.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, STBM...that's the tone of her conversation, this humungous arrogance. I think maybe from "winning"?

And his attitude when false R broke out was just the same. They defended each other against me, who did nothing but stay the course.

The arrogance was shocking, for they must know the wrong they did? I've said before that I hear the words, I read them, but I don't understand how people can do this to each other-he would have gotten far more from me by simply coming to say that he wasn't happy and legitimately leaving. But that's not the coward's way, is it?

I do wait for the day they break up, though I don't sit and wait or anything...for them to realize that it's not real and they aren't "building" anything bout a mountain of lies on top of quicksand...for them to see what they did to us will be karma for me.

I don't seek active revenge, except for truth to befall them. I guess I would wish XPervert and OW to experience some of the pain they caused and am just rambling now.

Still I can't believe that people think this is "ok" to do. How do they live with themselves? (I guess I know the answers, but still question because it's so incredulous).


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And how could he forgive her for outing him? He's a grudge holder and this is something I've never understood. How could he forgive this of her, who he hardly knows? I guess it's his own blinders maybe.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These OW are the easy option. Literally and metaphorically.

She knows him? Yeah - sure she does. She was his big, ugly, dirty secret. Of course they think they are close - they've sen the ugliest sides of each other.

The darkness in the other makes their own darkness seem not so bad.

They get the scraps my friend. I had him when he was the closest he is ever going to get to the man he could have been. I had the man who didn't cheat on his wife and children.

One of my favourite SI-isms: "When you know him as well as I do you'll love him as much as I do".

It always makes me laugh out loud.

Triggers are awful. Even now something him or one of the whores said pops into my head or I have an 'aha!' moment about another act of fuckery he pulled. I used to cry rivers then I would rage clean and now I mostly just cringe and shake my head, "What a fuckwit".

If you are being plagued by obsessive thinking there are things you can do to help redirect your thoughts. I use to catch myself and visualise a Stop Sign in my head. Others snap rubber bands on their wrist.

I'm sorry you're not feeling supported. People often do for us what they think they would want in our situation - most won't understand until they have gone through it. Their intentions are good even if their delivery is shithouse.

((Ashland))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5435 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The gem of wisdom that she wished desparately to impart on me when she outed XPervert to me is this: "Oh, Mrs., you just don't understand him. I do. You just don't understand our relationship or how lurrvving we are. You don't know what that's like. You don't know him."

Translation: I am a stupid twat and feel somewhat threatened. That's why I'm having this convo w/you.

Probably part of what I 'knew' was also fake-obviously- but I suspect what was here was the better part of his life and self.

I am inclined to agree w/this. There is that moment (however long it actually lasts) where they are faithful, and only slightly crazy, under the surface.

I don't mean to act as if I'm competing with OW/Fatty B, for I'm not in my heart or mind-it just amazes me what she said and what she will put up with.

That's the difference betwixt us. OW will put up w/crumbs, bullshit, lies, mental gymnastics to be w/their soul mate schmoopie. W see the farting, belching, nut scratching man that we married, and manage to still love him anyway, if that makes sense. It's not really a competition when you aren't aware that some slunt is vying to take your H/M and family away from you.

I love vintage/2nd hand clothing. I wash it first, tho. But ... somebody else's spouse? Crap on toast, that is fucking disgusting. I'd sooner die alone than try to cajole a man to be w/me, which is what these OW do, IMO.

Hang on, Ash. You are on the right path. And congrats on your new baby (I'm sorry this is late).


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

These replies really help me. Often I've spent time wondering what's wrong with me that he could be won away so easily and with all I did still went...it was clearly an exit affair and Fatty B/OW is just another situation he finds "good" right now.

I have so much more to ask and say in hopes I can rid my mind of it. Most days I am ok and can do the stop sign thinking, but the questions about this bizarre woman still haunt me.

She is well aware of the baby, FWIT (From What I'm Told) but still sleeps and sets up house with this man who is still married-I find myself unwilling to be a bigamist, if that's the right word? but I guess my morals are very different. And I think him zeroing in on someone without them or who will put them aside is appalling, considering the man's background-but he also rebelled against some pretty big parts of it (like religion and parent's beliefs).


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 7

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