So yesterday, I texted TCD to let her know my jobs were running late, and she was (once again) going to have to bring the kids to hockey alone. I told her that I understand how frustrating it can be to manage with these hours and three kids, and I thanked her for her understanding.
She responded by saying "It's OK, do what you have to do. I love you."
It may seem like a small thing, but for us communication has always been a weak point. I've always felt that her responses to such information in the past made me feel worse than I already did for having to miss more time with my family. I'm sure that wasn't what she was intending, but that was how it was received on my end. And my own hangups about not wanting to make her upset would-lead to passive-aggressive conflict-avoidant behaviors. So it was very nice to have that exchange and neither of us walked away hurt or suspicious or whatever other emotions may have been brought forward in the past. It seemed like a huge step forward in my eyes.
I love my BW very much and I hope this was just one of many small steps towards a brighter future for our family.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 12:25 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
What am I doing?
We spent 15 years handling our disagreements with passive aggressiveness, and it never felt good. I wondered aloud several times if other couples were like us, or if there was something wrong with us. The mistake is that we never went to therapy, never talked about it, and my H found someone else to talk to about it.
That hurts. A lot. But I didn't do anything about our problems either. That doesn't make the A any less of a betrayal or selfish act or mistake, but it happened, and if we want to move forward, we need to fix us - like you seem to be.
I never really listened to my H when he talked about work. All I heard were excuses or justifications as to why he continuously chose to give himself to work over family. The fact that he found time to have an affair is still, and probably always will be, a tender and painful thing for me.
But now we work out our family time together. We make decisions about our work schedules together. He still makes choices that I disagree with, but he listens to my side thoughtfully and considers what I have to say - and I am doing the same. Now if we lament our lack of family time, it is real and it is together. We problem solve it together, figure out what we need to feel good about our time and how to handle that which we cannot change.
It's beautiful, and no small moment at all. It's a reward for the work you have been doing, and I have felt the warmth and comfort of those 'small' rewards too.
Thanks for sharing.
Congratulations to both of you..you have worked your asses off to get to where you are now.
It's a beautiful thing to "see."
Thanks for sharing.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.