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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Such a Huge, Yet Small Moment in Our R
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As some of you may know, I work for an electric utility company. My hours tend to be absurd at times, none worse than during the fall and spring outages when demand is low and equipment can be safely taken out of service. 40 hours of OT or more is not uncommon during these times, and I've already worked just shy of 1000 this year already.

So yesterday, I texted TCD to let her know my jobs were running late, and she was (once again) going to have to bring the kids to hockey alone. I told her that I understand how frustrating it can be to manage with these hours and three kids, and I thanked her for her understanding.

She responded by saying "It's OK, do what you have to do. I love you."

It may seem like a small thing, but for us communication has always been a weak point. I've always felt that her responses to such information in the past made me feel worse than I already did for having to miss more time with my family. I'm sure that wasn't what she was intending, but that was how it was received on my end. And my own hangups about not wanting to make her upset would-lead to passive-aggressive conflict-avoidant behaviors. So it was very nice to have that exchange and neither of us walked away hurt or suspicious or whatever other emotions may have been brought forward in the past. It seemed like a huge step forward in my eyes.

I love my BW very much and I hope this was just one of many small steps towards a brighter future for our family.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38085 | Registered: Sep 2007
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a huge step. WH and I were stuck in that passive aggressive communication loop too. It is a huge thing, not a small one that you are breaking the pattern!


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a good lesson for all BS and WS who are reconciling or considering it. During the A I said the same things to him. I told him I missed him when he was working. I told him that everything was ok at home with, at that time, a 6 year old, 2 year old, and a newborn while he was working. But yet some of his justifications were that I didn't appreciate him and that he took me for granted. I think that really demonstrates how the A isn't about what the BS is lacking but what was really wrong with the WS. Whether its passive agressiveness, narciccistic traits, depression, etc etc...those things need to be fixed to have a healthy relationship. TTMU said it perfectly when he said that was his perception. And the unfortunate part is that he didn't communicate that with me. But I'm not blameless either. I should have not given up on communicating with him. I posted in Off Topic about how with my kids that I don't give up of something doesn't work with them. I try something else. I felt like I had tried everything with him. Being codependent (and weirdly only with him) and making his issues mine left me feeling like I had no other way to communicate. But I did. Because he is him and I am me. I had always defined myself by him. In R both the WS and BS need to look at themselves.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 12:25 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love hearing this wayward side perspective! That feels like where we are.

We spent 15 years handling our disagreements with passive aggressiveness, and it never felt good. I wondered aloud several times if other couples were like us, or if there was something wrong with us. The mistake is that we never went to therapy, never talked about it, and my H found someone else to talk to about it.

That hurts. A lot. But I didn't do anything about our problems either. That doesn't make the A any less of a betrayal or selfish act or mistake, but it happened, and if we want to move forward, we need to fix us - like you seem to be.

I never really listened to my H when he talked about work. All I heard were excuses or justifications as to why he continuously chose to give himself to work over family. The fact that he found time to have an affair is still, and probably always will be, a tender and painful thing for me.

But now we work out our family time together. We make decisions about our work schedules together. He still makes choices that I disagree with, but he listens to my side thoughtfully and considers what I have to say - and I am doing the same. Now if we lament our lack of family time, it is real and it is together. We problem solve it together, figure out what we need to feel good about our time and how to handle that which we cannot change.

It's beautiful, and no small moment at all. It's a reward for the work you have been doing, and I have felt the warmth and comfort of those 'small' rewards too.

Thanks for sharing.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This *is* huge!


Congratulations to both of you..you have worked your asses off to get to where you are now.

It's a beautiful thing to "see."

Thanks for sharing.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a lovely post! I'm so glad to hear that the two of you are actually hearing what the other has to say and not reacting to what you think the other implied, and valuing each for the gifts you bring to your marriage.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4948 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love it when folks in our R community "do good!" Hoorah!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to hear! I hope you two have a great weekend. :)


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6810 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Topic Posts: 10

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