[This message edited by PurpleRose at 6:08 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
You are making your D's future all about you...
-she won't get married (where- in the eyes of the Catholic Church?)
-she won't have a baby half her, half her husband (again, this is sounding very much like the judgement that come from the Catholic Church)
-she doesn't care one way or the other (perhaps you could use a dose of this child's brilliance!)
-you HATE that she doesn't care one way or the other
-you think she is "biologically" the same as half of all 13 year olds- implying that if she truly was gay she would be biologically... what? Non-human?
You clearly are uncomfortable with her feelings about her sexuality. Even if she ends up straight, why is it your business? Her sexual preference is not something you can determine for her. I know the Catholic Church feels differently, but the reality is that gay folks will tell you a majority knew from very early on.
I sure hope she doesn't lose her trust in you. If her own mother is "just considering" sending her away for being gay, just how do you think the world is going to get more tolerant of homosexuals?
With all due respect, I think you're being a bit harsh.
As a Mother, when your child tells you they feel they are gay it sends a shock through your heart. Of COURSE being gay doesn't make her daughter "non-human". I think you're projecting a bit.
I also felt the EXACT SAME WAY. But I took a step back, did a nuclear crap-ton of reading on PFLAGs site, and thought long and hard about my reaction.
I WANT my daughter to have a "traditional" relationship, complete with a wedding and babies and a house with a white picket fence.
That is what MY dream for her was.
I had to learn to let go of MY dream for her and allow her to create her OWN dream. Then I came to realize that HER dream was the same as mine. Just maybe a bit different.
I don't think it's wrong to feel this way. They are feelings and right or wrong (in your opinion) they won't go away or change until they are carefully examined.
I want my daughter to be HAPPY. That was what I figured out after much introspection. It doesn't matter to me how she achieves it (barring illegal or immoral means.
If that is not the case, then I am wrong. But I simply used what SHE wrote to illustrate my point. It makes me so sad for children when hey are judged by their own parents. Don't they have enough of that out in the world?
The ones that get really get hurt and Miss out are those that aren't accepting anymore. I have two gay friends that parents chose the path you are contemplating. One now love 1000 miles away and has nothing to do with any of them. The other opted suppress his feelings and has has a life long battle with depression alcohol and drugs.
As a parent all I really want is for my kids to be happy healthy productive members of society.
Even parents that have a more accepting and open minded opinion regarding homosexuality go through a "mourning period" where they go through the process of giving up the picture of what their child's future was supposed to look like.
My parents have very strong conservative beliefs and the worst thing is to feel like i am disappointing them and not living up to their expectations. But it's bound to happen because it's nearly impossible for anyone to make choices for themselves based on what someone else wants for them.
I don't know anything about you or your daughter other than what you posted here. But I'm under the impression that you believe that she is a "follower" and she doesn't really think things through and consider the consequences. Do you think that is solely because of her age and puberty? Or do you make many of her decisions for her and perhaps she is used to other people guiding her and she just doesn't have the skills to process her feelings without someone else influence?
I do believe her age and surroundings can factor into this, but I don't think you are doing her any favors by sharing how strongly you feel that she is straight. It could possibly cause more conflicting emotions in her and It seems as if you are more concerned for your feelings than hers.
Just my opinion...
Now on the otherhand, I have a niece that went through a similar experience and she professed herself a lesbian as a young teen after attending a group therapy type thing for teen girls. I did not believe it at all, knowing her and her personality, it was fairly obvious to me that it was something she did for attention and to "fit in" and the sentiment wasn't genuine. While supposedly in a relationship with a girl, she was still outwardly showing her attraction for boys. This went on for a couple of years and I saw it no more than a best friend situation. That relationship eventually ended and it was her first and last one with a girl and she now dates boys exclusively. She has had a terrible childhood and she is still very confused with her direction in life as her parents were no influence at all.
Quite the opposite of your situation but the trick is to find a happy medium with the right amount of guidance showing them the pros and cons of any situation and then allowing them enough space to make their own decisions.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 10:52 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
As I mentioned, it's great she felt comfortable enough to bring this up with you. That speaks volumes. But I have to say that I agree with the poster who urged you to "wait and see". Trying to isolate her from ANY group at this age will be almost impossible. For instance, I would bet a year's salary that there are kids in her grade that are already having sex, doing drugs, etc. Most people are unaware of how much DOES go on with kids that age. I've worked I schools for years. Stuff goes on...even at early ages...that would make most parents curl up in a ball. My point is...if you can support her by listening, providing guidance, and most importantly, JUST LOVE HER, then you will be ahead in the parenting field. To take one conversation and even CONSIDERING to upend her life, her schooling, her circles of friends may have the exact opposite outcome that you strive for.
Finally, and I know everyone is different...my son now tells me of a huge crush he had...in FIRST grade. He was so young, he didn't really even know it WAS a crush. He wasn't able to articulate it at the time, or even understand it. He certainly didn't ACT on it. But now, as he looks back, he realizes he had a huge crush on another boy in First Grade.
He had to stay in the closet through high school...to all but a very few of his closest friends. The threat of danger was very real. When I found out my son was gay, my only sadness was that I knew what difficulties lay ahead for him...the prejudice, the hatred. I had seen it all with my sister. It still makes me sad that he has to deal with that, and always will. No one has ever threatened to kill me because I married a man. But, as I said previously, he has grown into a fine young man. Honest, trustworthy, caring, loving. And he has made a good life (despite the fact that he has also had to deal with cancer).
All of our kids will have challenges. Some, we will never even know about. And if we are lucky, our kids will come to us for advice, opinions, love. I beg you not to lose your chance for all of that with you daughter by trying to re-arrange her life. I'm not saying don't be honest with her on your opinion of homosexuality. You are entitled to your opinion. If you object based on religious grounds, as a parent you probably feel you should share that with her. I just feel, personally, that it did seem like you were trying to scare her, with threats of no marriage, no children. If she's half as smart as she sounds, I'm sure she realized (or soon will) that there are plenty of places to be legally married if you are gay. And I'm sure she'll grow up to read of, or even know, loving parents that are not heterosexual.
I'll just urge once more to try a PFLAG meeting. You will not find any negative JUDGEMENT about your opinions. Your questions and concerns will be taken seriously, and you will find others there that feel just as you do. Most importantly, you will get information. And that information may just help you all.
I meant that she doesn't care if she's gay or straight - not that she doesn't care what I think.
I see this as a good thing. To me, it says that she doesn't see it as "labeling" herself. She's going to love who she loves, regardless of what gender they are. If more people "didn't care", I think the world would be a much happier place.
I'm a teacher and we have a GSA at our school. GSA stands for Gay Straight Alliance. You don't need to be gay or questioning to belong. If she is straight, it's a great place to show support for her gay friends and if she's gay, it's a great place for her to get support from others.
You would be surprised at how many students ARE questioning. We are a small school (under 500 kids between grades 7 and 12). In my short 3 years there, we have had many students come out as gay and at least 2 students come out as transgendered. We are a public school and are welcoming to everyone and we teach our kids to be welcoming to everyone as well.
Sending her to a Catholic school, IMO, won't make her change her mind. I can guarantee that at that school there will be gay and questioning youth. It'll just be kept secret.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this.
Sending her to a Catholic school, IMO, won't make her change her mind. I can guarantee that at that school there will be gay and questioning youth.
I had a very similiar situation espoir1114. I am a very open minded person when it comes to ones sexuality. I don't believe you chose your sexuality, it is chosen for you. (Although, I do believe some people do "chose" a sexuality for whatever reasons they may have.)
When youngest DS was in 6th grade we started online homeschooling. DS missed a lot of school because of migraines and a weak immune system. With homeschooling we could work around his migraines and avoid catching every. single. thing. that went around school.
One night as I was tucking DS into bed I noticed a picture on his iPod. It was of a boy. I said "Who is that?" DS said "My boyfriend." Me (teasingly) "Your boyfriend? Do you mean you want to kiss him?" DS "Yes!" Oh. My. Gosh. Wasn't expecting that. My world started to swirl before my eyes. All I could see was Matthew Shepard tied to a barbed wire fence, tortured and beaten to death because he dared to love men.
Didn't say much that night. I had to think on how and what to say and try to keep my feelings out of this. Of course, I had different "expectations" on how my DS's life was going to look. Now, that was all different. It was going to look very different if he was gay. And, much harder, simply because there still is much hatred out there for gay people and they still aren't accorded full rights in all states.
(Sorry, this is going to turn into a novel.)
DS was very lonely being homeschooled. He missed all the social interaction he had throughout the school day. Unbeknownst to be, he had a MySpace page and this older boy (15) and him became friends. This boy started to ask DS about his sexuality. This boy claimed to be gay. Started talking to DS about it. Also, some men befriended DS, too. They were always complimenting him. How cute he was,etc. etc. I got the feeling my son was being groomed. I saw a program on the Dr. Phil show about how a boy (online) would befriend young boys. He turned out to be the bait that lured the young boys in for a man who was a pedophile.
I went to IC to talk to her on how to handle this situation. Didn't want my DS to not think I wasn't supportive of him if he was gay, OTOH, didn't want him to be manipulated into thinking he was gay. I feel that is what you are feeling, too, espoir. I had some very good and frank talks with DS. However, we closed down the MySpace page and he said "Goodbye" to the boy online and we stopped homeschooling. Went back to mainstream school the next week.
DS has had girlfriends since the 7th grade. Had a LT GF starting in 9th grade ended in the summer after 10th grade. Started dating a girl in the fall of 11th grade and still has that same GF now in 12th grade. I know having GF's doesn't mean you aren't gay. That has been proved over and over again.
Coincidently, just this very past week DS17 and I had a discussion about his "boyfriend". I asked him if he thought he might be gay. I am so scared that I may have f*cked him up and that he is suppressing his sexuality. I told him this. I told him I would be so very supportive if he was. He laughed. He said "Mom, I am 100% heterosexual, believe me!" I asked him what he thought was going on in 6th grade. He said he was just very lonely and that he knew it wouldn't ever go any farther than online. It was like a "fantasy" and it wasn't real, but he enjoyed the friendship and the attention.
I do believe that it can be a stage your daughter is going through. It seems your daughter has a wonderful attitude. You should be very proud of her, and I am sure you are. My advice is to listen to your daughter. To be there for her. It is hard when our dreams for our children don't work the way we want them to, but we need to support our children's dreams and be there for them.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:54 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I think we should consider sending her to the small, Catholic high school in town instead of the huge public HS where she plans to go with all her friends. The small hs won't have a GSA club where they are ready to welcome her with open arms. And her bi-curious friend won't be there.
That just sounds cruel.
Take the gay part out of this statement and replace it with any other reason a kid could possible different from her peers.
Why on earth would you want to take a child going through an already difficult time and isolate her from her support system, then put her in an environment where she is guaranteed to be made a pariah. Why on earth would you even consider doing that to your own child?
Nowadays- around 10 years or more later my Mum says it was her with the problem, not my sister. She can't believe she "wasted" a month being upset.
My sister's a doctor in a busy A&E department with a partner who's beautiful inside and out. My Mum is so proud of her and her sexuality is a tiny speck of what makes her her.
When people say about it being hard for gay folks I of course agree it can be but don't you think it's up to us to stop all that? We are all the people of this world and it's all of us that can make the change. My sister hasn't had any grief thank God and hopefully many more people have that same experience. I mean come on, it's the end of 2013- is it really that much of a problem?!
P.S my sister is awesome and I wouldn't change one thing about her.
Keep being the Mum she can go and talk to, confide in. It would be such a shame if you spoiled it- a shame for both of you.
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
I love my daughter and only want her to be happy and healthy. I want her life to be as easy as possible, controlling the things we actually have control over. And despite what most of you think, I THINK my daughter is making a choice right now. I think she is being greatly influenced by her peers to accept something she isn't 100% sure about. IMO this is absolutely the worst time for me to stop parenting, take the back seat and see where things go. She needs as much guidance now as she always has. Since when do we (adults) think that 13 year olds have it all figured out! And for every story I hear about gay people who have known unequivocally since they were 4, I hear another story about someone who just experimented for a while.
I can acknowledge that my daughter has just as much chance at happiness if she's gay as she will if she's straight. Despite my shock and sadness I will love and support her like I always have.
Trying to forgive and move on.
Not one person bashed you. We have been watching this thread since you started it.
Because people may not agree with your opinion that doesn't make it bashing.
It's unfortunate that you won't be back, I think there was a lot of great stories and opinions that were shared with you.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I don't think it's a big issue. That is all