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User Topic: About 13 yo daughter's sexuality
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Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by PurpleRose at 6:08 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
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Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your response to your D makes you sound like a bully, that's why people are responding that way.

You are making your D's future all about you...

-she won't get married (where- in the eyes of the Catholic Church?)

-she won't have a baby half her, half her husband (again, this is sounding very much like the judgement that come from the Catholic Church)

-she doesn't care one way or the other (perhaps you could use a dose of this child's brilliance!)

-you HATE that she doesn't care one way or the other

-you think she is "biologically" the same as half of all 13 year olds- implying that if she truly was gay she would be biologically... what? Non-human?

You clearly are uncomfortable with her feelings about her sexuality. Even if she ends up straight, why is it your business? Her sexual preference is not something you can determine for her. I know the Catholic Church feels differently, but the reality is that gay folks will tell you a majority knew from very early on.

I sure hope she doesn't lose her trust in you. If her own mother is "just considering" sending her away for being gay, just how do you think the world is going to get more tolerant of homosexuals?

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
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Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


With all due respect, I think you're being a bit harsh.

As a Mother, when your child tells you they feel they are gay it sends a shock through your heart. Of COURSE being gay doesn't make her daughter "non-human". I think you're projecting a bit.

I also felt the EXACT SAME WAY. But I took a step back, did a nuclear crap-ton of reading on PFLAGs site, and thought long and hard about my reaction.

I WANT my daughter to have a "traditional" relationship, complete with a wedding and babies and a house with a white picket fence.

That is what MY dream for her was.

I had to learn to let go of MY dream for her and allow her to create her OWN dream. Then I came to realize that HER dream was the same as mine. Just maybe a bit different.

I don't think it's wrong to feel this way. They are feelings and right or wrong (in your opinion) they won't go away or change until they are carefully examined.

I want my daughter to be HAPPY. That was what I figured out after much introspection. It doesn't matter to me how she achieves it (barring illegal or immoral means.

**The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.~J.Cheney
**Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Michigan
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Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well maybe I was harsh, and if I was overly harsh I apologize. I picked up on the private Catholic school thing and to me it reads one way- the catholic way.

If that is not the case, then I am wrong. But I simply used what SHE wrote to illustrate my point. It makes me so sad for children when hey are judged by their own parents. Don't they have enough of that out in the world?

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
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Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being gay is not a choice. Its a reality.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
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Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not gay but have spent my entire life around gays both male and female and I can say they lead ordinary happy lives. Being gay is not a choice like choosing to like blonds. It is as much of who you are as is the color of your eyes. Your attitude toward your daughters honesty and the manner in which you are contemplatin reacting is not healthy for you or her. Why would you pull her out of her school? Why would you discourage this? Because you are uncomfortable with it. She isn't.

The ones that get really get hurt and Miss out are those that aren't accepting anymore. I have two gay friends that parents chose the path you are contemplating. One now love 1000 miles away and has nothing to do with any of them. The other opted suppress his feelings and has has a life long battle with depression alcohol and drugs.

As a parent all I really want is for my kids to be happy healthy productive members of society.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8685 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
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Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The broad brush feeling I get from your post is that you are dismissing your daughter's feelings and trying to manipulate the situation so you can try to get her to fit into the expectations you have for her.

Even parents that have a more accepting and open minded opinion regarding homosexuality go through a "mourning period" where they go through the process of giving up the picture of what their child's future was supposed to look like.

My parents have very strong conservative beliefs and the worst thing is to feel like i am disappointing them and not living up to their expectations. But it's bound to happen because it's nearly impossible for anyone to make choices for themselves based on what someone else wants for them.

I don't know anything about you or your daughter other than what you posted here. But I'm under the impression that you believe that she is a "follower" and she doesn't really think things through and consider the consequences. Do you think that is solely because of her age and puberty? Or do you make many of her decisions for her and perhaps she is used to other people guiding her and she just doesn't have the skills to process her feelings without someone else influence?

I do believe her age and surroundings can factor into this, but I don't think you are doing her any favors by sharing how strongly you feel that she is straight. It could possibly cause more conflicting emotions in her and It seems as if you are more concerned for your feelings than hers.

Just my opinion...

Now on the otherhand, I have a niece that went through a similar experience and she professed herself a lesbian as a young teen after attending a group therapy type thing for teen girls. I did not believe it at all, knowing her and her personality, it was fairly obvious to me that it was something she did for attention and to "fit in" and the sentiment wasn't genuine. While supposedly in a relationship with a girl, she was still outwardly showing her attraction for boys. This went on for a couple of years and I saw it no more than a best friend situation. That relationship eventually ended and it was her first and last one with a girl and she now dates boys exclusively. She has had a terrible childhood and she is still very confused with her direction in life as her parents were no influence at all.

Quite the opposite of your situation but the trick is to find a happy medium with the right amount of guidance showing them the pros and cons of any situation and then allowing them enough space to make their own decisions.

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend has recently gone through a similar experience with her adult daughter... Who grew up, was PERFECT in all ways, great student, amazing career, beautiful wedding, marriage to a HS sweetheart that lasted under a year. She is now married to another accomplished woman. But her mother is mourning that PERFECT daughter.
I don't think she is less than perfect, she's merely taking a different path. And is happy. It's been a rough go for all concerned.
Personally, I'd give my right arms for a healthy son who just happened to be gay,who wasn't fighting the demons my DS is.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 10:52 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3646 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Grace and Flowers
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Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, since you asked me've never, ever - even for one moment - felt I might be gay. I'm not saying that that happens for everyone. There is a reason for the acronym LGBTQ....Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, QUESTIONING. Because some young people DO question who they are...and if they are lucky they have loving parents they can talk to about it.

As I mentioned, it's great she felt comfortable enough to bring this up with you. That speaks volumes. But I have to say that I agree with the poster who urged you to "wait and see". Trying to isolate her from ANY group at this age will be almost impossible. For instance, I would bet a year's salary that there are kids in her grade that are already having sex, doing drugs, etc. Most people are unaware of how much DOES go on with kids that age. I've worked I schools for years. Stuff goes on...even at early ages...that would make most parents curl up in a ball. My point is...if you can support her by listening, providing guidance, and most importantly, JUST LOVE HER, then you will be ahead in the parenting field. To take one conversation and even CONSIDERING to upend her life, her schooling, her circles of friends may have the exact opposite outcome that you strive for.

Finally, and I know everyone is son now tells me of a huge crush he FIRST grade. He was so young, he didn't really even know it WAS a crush. He wasn't able to articulate it at the time, or even understand it. He certainly didn't ACT on it. But now, as he looks back, he realizes he had a huge crush on another boy in First Grade.

He had to stay in the closet through high all but a very few of his closest friends. The threat of danger was very real. When I found out my son was gay, my only sadness was that I knew what difficulties lay ahead for him...the prejudice, the hatred. I had seen it all with my sister. It still makes me sad that he has to deal with that, and always will. No one has ever threatened to kill me because I married a man. But, as I said previously, he has grown into a fine young man. Honest, trustworthy, caring, loving. And he has made a good life (despite the fact that he has also had to deal with cancer).

All of our kids will have challenges. Some, we will never even know about. And if we are lucky, our kids will come to us for advice, opinions, love. I beg you not to lose your chance for all of that with you daughter by trying to re-arrange her life. I'm not saying don't be honest with her on your opinion of homosexuality. You are entitled to your opinion. If you object based on religious grounds, as a parent you probably feel you should share that with her. I just feel, personally, that it did seem like you were trying to scare her, with threats of no marriage, no children. If she's half as smart as she sounds, I'm sure she realized (or soon will) that there are plenty of places to be legally married if you are gay. And I'm sure she'll grow up to read of, or even know, loving parents that are not heterosexual.

I'll just urge once more to try a PFLAG meeting. You will not find any negative JUDGEMENT about your opinions. Your questions and concerns will be taken seriously, and you will find others there that feel just as you do. Most importantly, you will get information. And that information may just help you all.

I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
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Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant that she doesn't care if she's gay or straight - not that she doesn't care what I think.

I see this as a good thing. To me, it says that she doesn't see it as "labeling" herself. She's going to love who she loves, regardless of what gender they are. If more people "didn't care", I think the world would be a much happier place.

I'm a teacher and we have a GSA at our school. GSA stands for Gay Straight Alliance. You don't need to be gay or questioning to belong. If she is straight, it's a great place to show support for her gay friends and if she's gay, it's a great place for her to get support from others.

You would be surprised at how many students ARE questioning. We are a small school (under 500 kids between grades 7 and 12). In my short 3 years there, we have had many students come out as gay and at least 2 students come out as transgendered. We are a public school and are welcoming to everyone and we teach our kids to be welcoming to everyone as well.

Sending her to a Catholic school, IMO, won't make her change her mind. I can guarantee that at that school there will be gay and questioning youth. It'll just be kept secret.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this.

Me (BS): 35


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: a little bit of everywhere
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Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending her to a Catholic school, IMO, won't make her change her mind. I can guarantee that at that school there will be gay and questioning youth.
I was hit on by two gay girls in the bathroom of the very prestigious Catholic H.S. I went to. (Chrissie Evert was in my grade at that school.)

I had a very similiar situation espoir1114. I am a very open minded person when it comes to ones sexuality. I don't believe you chose your sexuality, it is chosen for you. (Although, I do believe some people do "chose" a sexuality for whatever reasons they may have.)

When youngest DS was in 6th grade we started online homeschooling. DS missed a lot of school because of migraines and a weak immune system. With homeschooling we could work around his migraines and avoid catching every. single. thing. that went around school.

One night as I was tucking DS into bed I noticed a picture on his iPod. It was of a boy. I said "Who is that?" DS said "My boyfriend." Me (teasingly) "Your boyfriend? Do you mean you want to kiss him?" DS "Yes!" Oh. My. Gosh. Wasn't expecting that. My world started to swirl before my eyes. All I could see was Matthew Shepard tied to a barbed wire fence, tortured and beaten to death because he dared to love men.

Didn't say much that night. I had to think on how and what to say and try to keep my feelings out of this. Of course, I had different "expectations" on how my DS's life was going to look. Now, that was all different. It was going to look very different if he was gay. And, much harder, simply because there still is much hatred out there for gay people and they still aren't accorded full rights in all states.

(Sorry, this is going to turn into a novel.)
DS was very lonely being homeschooled. He missed all the social interaction he had throughout the school day. Unbeknownst to be, he had a MySpace page and this older boy (15) and him became friends. This boy started to ask DS about his sexuality. This boy claimed to be gay. Started talking to DS about it. Also, some men befriended DS, too. They were always complimenting him. How cute he was,etc. etc. I got the feeling my son was being groomed. I saw a program on the Dr. Phil show about how a boy (online) would befriend young boys. He turned out to be the bait that lured the young boys in for a man who was a pedophile.

I went to IC to talk to her on how to handle this situation. Didn't want my DS to not think I wasn't supportive of him if he was gay, OTOH, didn't want him to be manipulated into thinking he was gay. I feel that is what you are feeling, too, espoir. I had some very good and frank talks with DS. However, we closed down the MySpace page and he said "Goodbye" to the boy online and we stopped homeschooling. Went back to mainstream school the next week.

DS has had girlfriends since the 7th grade. Had a LT GF starting in 9th grade ended in the summer after 10th grade. Started dating a girl in the fall of 11th grade and still has that same GF now in 12th grade. I know having GF's doesn't mean you aren't gay. That has been proved over and over again.

Coincidently, just this very past week DS17 and I had a discussion about his "boyfriend". I asked him if he thought he might be gay. I am so scared that I may have f*cked him up and that he is suppressing his sexuality. I told him this. I told him I would be so very supportive if he was. He laughed. He said "Mom, I am 100% heterosexual, believe me!" I asked him what he thought was going on in 6th grade. He said he was just very lonely and that he knew it wouldn't ever go any farther than online. It was like a "fantasy" and it wasn't real, but he enjoyed the friendship and the attention.

I do believe that it can be a stage your daughter is going through. It seems your daughter has a wonderful attitude. You should be very proud of her, and I am sure you are. My advice is to listen to your daughter. To be there for her. It is hard when our dreams for our children don't work the way we want them to, but we need to support our children's dreams and be there for them.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:54 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
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Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we should consider sending her to the small, Catholic high school in town instead of the huge public HS where she plans to go with all her friends. The small hs won't have a GSA club where they are ready to welcome her with open arms. And her bi-curious friend won't be there.

That just sounds cruel.

Take the gay part out of this statement and replace it with any other reason a kid could possible different from her peers.

Why on earth would you want to take a child going through an already difficult time and isolate her from her support system, then put her in an environment where she is guaranteed to be made a pariah. Why on earth would you even consider doing that to your own child?

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
I think I can
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Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice post, Sister.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8824 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say- my sister's gay and my Mum was upset when she came out for all the reasons you gave pretty much.

Nowadays- around 10 years or more later my Mum says it was her with the problem, not my sister. She can't believe she "wasted" a month being upset.

My sister's a doctor in a busy A&E department with a partner who's beautiful inside and out. My Mum is so proud of her and her sexuality is a tiny speck of what makes her her.

When people say about it being hard for gay folks I of course agree it can be but don't you think it's up to us to stop all that? We are all the people of this world and it's all of us that can make the change. My sister hasn't had any grief thank God and hopefully many more people have that same experience. I mean come on, it's the end of 2013- is it really that much of a problem?!

P.S my sister is awesome and I wouldn't change one thing about her.

Keep being the Mum she can go and talk to, confide in. It would be such a shame if you spoiled it- a shame for both of you.

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
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Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my last post here, and the last time I will read what others have posted. Apparently I'm a bully who thinks my daughter is only half-human and is planning to send her away. Ridiculous. I think only half of you even read my first post. The other half read the word gay and Catholic and decided it was time to start bashing.

I love my daughter and only want her to be happy and healthy. I want her life to be as easy as possible, controlling the things we actually have control over. And despite what most of you think, I THINK my daughter is making a choice right now. I think she is being greatly influenced by her peers to accept something she isn't 100% sure about. IMO this is absolutely the worst time for me to stop parenting, take the back seat and see where things go. She needs as much guidance now as she always has. Since when do we (adults) think that 13 year olds have it all figured out! And for every story I hear about gay people who have known unequivocally since they were 4, I hear another story about someone who just experimented for a while.

I can acknowledge that my daughter has just as much chance at happiness if she's gay as she will if she's straight. Despite my shock and sadness I will love and support her like I always have.

Married-20 yrs
DDay 10/5/11

Trying to forgive and move on.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011
Deeply Scared
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Red  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Not one person bashed you. We have been watching this thread since you started it.

Because people may not agree with your opinion that doesn't make it bashing.

It's unfortunate that you won't be back, I think there was a lot of great stories and opinions that were shared with you.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198218 | Registered: May 2002
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Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just meant that you should relax- if she is, she is, if she isn't she isn't. Who cares if it's just a phase? Who cares if she is gay?

I don't think it's a big issue. That is all

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
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