I have caused some serious damage to my marriage, like the rest of you here. I am struggling to figure out a way forward, and I feel like there is no one for me to go to, so here I am.
My story starts about 7 months ago. I contacted my XGF. She became the OW. The affair last from mod March until the end of April when my wife found me emails.
I paniced and only gave her partial truths. I said it was only in email and that we met up just once for lunch.
The truth is, I had sex with the OW twice in March. The timespan from first contact to the last contact was about 7 weeks. Last night, I told my wife the truth.
I didn't tell her because I was scared and was a coward. I don't want to lose her. I wanted to tell her after I found SI and realized I was manipulating her, but I lacked the courage to do it. I wish that I could say I did it on my own last night, but I can't. She contacted the other BS yesterday. He hasn't replied, so she did find out from me, but that hardly matters at this point. I had three choices...a) hope she still didn't find out, which she still probably wouldn't, b) contact the OW and coordinate stories, or c) tell the truth. I badly want reconciliation, so I told the truth.
I feel relieved that I don't have a secret hanging over us anymore, but I am heart broken over what I did. I failed as a husband and as a father. She has said some truly horrible things, all of which I deserve.
I hope I can make her feel safe with me again someday. Right now, I am very worried that she is going to leave me.
You did the right thing, finally confessing, and your BW did the right thing informing the OBS. You coulda "gotten away with it" but it would've eaten you alive. So good on you for that. And you know many WSs slowly dispense details...it's so common there's a nickname for it, TT or trickle-truthing.
So you've read about getting to "why" I'm sure. What was going on early in 2013 that you sought out comfort outside your M? Are you open to IC to explore that?
There were a couple things going on at the time. We were having serious financial troubles at the time. I didn't perceive that I was being treated all that well at times.
That is no excuse of course. I avoid confrontation and just tend to brush everything off, which is a really serious problem to have right now.
In addition, I work full-time and was taking 3 online classes. I didn't leave time to nurture the marriage.
There is also one big contributing factor. The OW and I, when we were younger, had a baby that we gave up for adoption. The day before I contacted the OW, we visited my BW's relative in the hospital who had just given birth. It was the same hospital and first time I had been back there.
It triggered something in me and instead of talking to my BW, I searched out my XGF.
We have issues we need to resolve, but it likely wouldn't have resulted in an affair if wehad not gone to the hospital that day...or if I just talked to my BW.
Good for you for telling your BW the truth. This is a great place to be. You will learn much here and you will grow.
Married 2.5 years
She started asking more questions. I had originally told her that I met up with the OW for lunch one time. Last night, I left out that it was more like once a week. I didn't do it intentionally. I just wasn't prepared for the discussion last night and was focused on telling her that I had slept with the OW.
She thanked me for showing her once again such a coward I am because once again, she had to ask me.
I can't seem to do anything right at this point.
I didn't do it intentionally. I just wasn't prepared for the discussion last night and was focused on telling her that I had slept with the OW.
Withholding the truth from your wife IS intentional, please don't try to fool yourself, your wife or us.
I know that lying seems easier when confronted with very humiliating and emotionally charged topics, but you have to learn to be honest as a first reaction. Regardless of the outcome.
If your wife asks you something and you know you're going to lie. Stop. Don't answer her question. Tell her you want to give her the truth but to allow you a minute to formulate the honest answer. Work with her...not against her. Her goal is to get to the bottom of all the mess you created...help her through honesty.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
But I did withhold it.
We had a long talk last night. She ended up letting me come back to the bedroom. That is no guarantee she will tonight, but it gave me a glimmer of hope, as small as it is, that she will at least try to reconcile. Whether or not she can, I don't know.
If your wife asks you something and you know you're going to lie. Stop. Don't answer her question. Tell her you want to give her the truth but to allow you a minute to formulate the honest answer.
I did this and it worked. I had become so accustomed to lying during my As that I had to relearn how to react and respond honestly.
My BH actually suggested this to me (when he was so tired of the lying). I started doing it and it helped me relearn how to respond truthfully.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
We have issues we need to resolve, but it likely wouldn't have resulted in an affair if we had not gone to the hospital that day.
I'm not qualified to psychoanalyze you, but you likely have unresolved traumatic feelings from giving up the child for adoption. My story follows a similar pattern. I was putting in too many hours at work, but I get paid by the hour and we were in debt so I kept taking on more. DS is age 6, which is the age I was when I was sexually abused. Her appearance (looking like me at that age) triggered me, and under stress I turned to escapist sexual fantasies...which I ultimately brought into the corporeal realm with two PAs.
My point is, don't be so quick to embrace the "if only..." theories. My therapist recommends I go back in time and comfort myself as a little girl, make her feel safe. It wasn't fun, but, I needed to go back and feel her fear, reluctance, and disgust before I was able to comfort her and start healing myself.
Have you heard this expression? You can't heal what you can't feel. My concern for you is, that if you don't "feel and deal" with the emotions you probably repressed over the adoption...that you'll be vulnerable to another A no matter how sorry you are about this one.
I didn't want to go through with the adoption. When my XGF told her mom, she just took over and said that is what we were doing. I saw him and changed my mind, and wanted to back out. That didn't get taken well and I let it go.
My XGF and I eventually broke up because she cheated on me. I avoid conflict so much I never even told her I knew until months later in an email. The irony.
I am still in disbelief that I cheated on my loving, supportive BW at all.
My BW asked me to go through the FAQ for questions for the WS to answer for the BS. I did that today. I feel like I can finally say TT is over. She doesn't believe me because I had to clear up one other lie about where I really was one night, and she just asks what other lie tomorrow will bring. Nonetheless, there is no more. It was draining to go out and answer those questions in writing, and then reading them back...I am just disgusted with myself.