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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cheated on me Again
♀ New Member
Member # 41002
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong. I can relate to what you are going through. I found out my husband was cheating...again.
This was after I separated myself from him by working in another state for over a year. Every couple of months I would come home and visit. For me, the time away was a self reflect. A time to clear my head, sort out my feelings. I still wanted the family unit. I still wanted him to be my husband. I wanted to hold on. I thought I would grow old with this man. I have been with him for half my life!
I decided to move back home thinking all was well and he had finally got it out of his system. Only disappointment. Needless to say, I've been back a good 2 months now and I just filed for divorce.

Me 41
Jack*ss H 43
2 kiddos 19 & 3
Been together 21 yrs.
Married for 13 yrs.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: tx
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you hit the nail on the head. I have always been a huge supporter (as he was for me as well). And I think we are both fearful of losing that. I am so grateful for the posts of other people- it's helping me to see that there are other people in similar situations and that it's normal to be pissed off and still in love. If this was the first and only time it may be different but I need to recognize that his past dictates the future. Now if I could convince my heart of that

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bought a book on detachment. So far I don't recognize too much of my behaviors in the stories but I'll keep reading. I did like a line from the book that reads....
We are harming him every time we step in and bring order to the chaos he created

I understand that bc in a way if I just said I forgive- everyone's day can go almost back to normal (but it doesn't last)

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Alex, this sounds like a very co-dependent relationship. You feel the need to save him - to make everything right. That isn't your job.

The fact is he is treating you horribly. Each time he does this, you feel less and less. Well, that's probably because each time he does this you feel like you deserve less and less. After all, if you deserved a partner that loved and respected you, he would have stopped, but he hasn't. So, maybe this is just your cross to bear.

Alex, if you can be respectful and loving, then you deserve someone that treats you in the same manner. Right now you are with a very selfish master manipulator. He is only interested in himself and his feelings. The way he is pouting because you're upset proves that. He's saying that you have no right to feel the way you do, and that he is going to treat you poorly until you get over his infidelity. That is horrible Alex, and it's emotionally abusive.

He has cheated 6 times. How many times does he get to cheat before Alex leaves for good? What is the number? It isn't 6, so is it 8? 12? Will Alex never leave? Because if you aren't going to leave, you might as well stop getting upset and bringing it up. He's showing you he won't stop, and you're showing him that's ok.

I'm sorry - I'm sure these comments are not what you're looking for. Unfortunately, saying that he's mean and that 'we're here for you' isn't going to help you. Getting you to realize that this is not normal and that you do not have to accept it is supporting you. Anything else is really helping you stay in an abusive relationship.

Be strong Alex - realize you deserve a better partner. Leave this cheating manipulator and build a real life for yourself.

And what is this man teaching your children? What kind of example is he?

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
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Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to hear that. I appreciate u laying it on the line. I am a great person. I'm a great catch. We had a beautiful relationship but these last few years have broken me down. The hard part is.... If he was a report card he would be all A+ and 1 F. That's the hard part. Thinking of the laughs, the fun, the memories. Wish he could fix what's broken in him but I'm not bending or changing anymore. It doesn't work. U could jump thru flaming hoops and it's still not going to make them faithful. Sad but true.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So today I was presented with "what do we do now". I decided I'm not ready to make any decisions- he is not staying at the house- I feel like my anger is coming now. I'm so mad that I put my faith in him. I won't do it again.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but if your spouse cheated on you a 4 times then there will be a 5th time. I wouldn't bother trying to have a relationship with a serial cheater. Time to kick his ass out . U deserve much better.. Good luck..

A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that abuse comes in many forms. I have been around emotional blackmailers before. Everything I'm going thru with H is identical to last time. I want to believe so badly that this just isn't an impulse and that he can be "fixed" but I see the same conversations happening, the same tears, the same "I can't go to work cause I'm too tired and sad" (our business depends on him being there, last time in his abcence I had to go in and now I'm thinking that I won't go this time. Something has to change. I can't worry about it or I'll crawl right back and try to forgive and forget. Financial ruin is a big one the guilty party can hang over your head. He is doing it in a way that makes him look like the victim but really I think its a controlling action. He is truly devastated. This is all very very hard. I feel like it's not so black and white but the writing is on the wall. I need someone to hear me cause I'm going a little crazy and stressed.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
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