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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what if he says he likes sex? (tmi)
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without even commenting on whether this guy may be a SA or not, I have to wonder what the fuck ever happened to men trying to act like gentlemen? This was a third date, for shits sakes! Why is he bringing up porn and sex in cars with a woman he hardly knows?

I don't know. I'm only in my early 40s so I'm not from a different generation, maybe just from a place where I want a man to want to show respect. To me, him bringing this shit up on a third date signals that he doesn't respect himself or you.

Next.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just for comparison, this is from Wikipedia:

The Three-Date Rule is a dating rule of thumb which states that the third date is a milestone in determining whether a woman or man will consent to sexual intimacy.

An anonymous poll carried out by match.com among 5,237 singles suggests that in general there is no such rule, judging from the answers to the question, "How many dates does it take before you become intimate?"

One: 12.74%
Two: 24.94%
Three: 21.48%
Four or more: 34.18%
Only after marriage: 6.66%


Posts: 182 | Registered: Sep 2013
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to tell out of context. Was this "sexy talk"? My exSO and I used to talk really, really dirty... I mean filthy. We talked about a lot of fantasy stuff that was... again, filthy. We didn't do it... a lot of it was just that - sexy talk.

So out of context... this is a bit tricky.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like sex.... I wouldn't mind occasional car sex.....and porn doesn't bother me UNLESS you can't keep your woman satisfied at home. My XWH was ADDICTED to porn to the point where he lasted less than 10 seconds (NO JOKE) in bed and I did not have ONE "O" in 5 years of marriage because he would rather get his jollies from a computer screen. So.... I'm a little annoyed with porn..... but if a guy likes it... and can still take care of his REAL woman... than by all means.... go for it!


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's used to hooker sex.

This was a third date, for shits sakes! Why is he bringing up porn and sex in cars with a woman he hardly knows

I agree, what's the hurry in bringing this up??? Because these things are a priority to him.
I think he was letting you know, upfront and right away, this is how he is and YOU are going to have to be ok with it if you keep dating.
I like sex = you better be able and willing, A LOT. Donít want no frigid woman.
Donít want your guy watching a lot of porn Ė heís is not your guy then or you need to be way cool with his porn watching and maybe join him.
Sex in cars = I want more than in bed boring and / or I want to be able to pull over and have sex when the mood strike, so you should be up for that too if you date him.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:35 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 491 | Registered: Mar 2003
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right, wrong, or indifferent... almost 60% of daters decide whether to have sex with the other person by the 3rd date.

That doesn't mean that they have decided "yes".

It just means that the jury has returned a verdict and springing for a steak and lobster dinner is unlikely to appreciably improve your odds.

You might as well save your money at that point because they are either going to put out or not.


Posts: 182 | Registered: Sep 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, Leopold, I used to follow the three-date rule. And look where the hell it got me.

The third date rule, if that's how you live your live, is for horny teenagers & asshole twenty-somethings.

I finally, after five decades, have some self worth and self respect. Any man who decides I'm not worth it if I don't put out by the third date can go fuck himself, 'cuz he sure as hell isn't going to get to fuck me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did this come up in conversation? I don't think I have ever had a man tell me he likes porn and never nentioned their other sexual preferences until we were well into a relationship, i.e. the car thing. Car sex, btw, is a red flag to me that this man thinks of sex like a teenager (which is a hallmark of SA).

Now, if he had said how he likes deep, emotional sex that lasts for hours, yeah, he would be a keeper!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read through all the replies, and I see merit in every single one of them.

torntobits: I guess he doesn't seem like the kind of guy for me. It's as simple as that. We're all different in terms of when we'll sleep with someone for the first time, and in terms of sexual openness and preferences. I have a lot of newly divorced friends who would think this was fine - at least at first. (They are not former SA Spouses.) But just based on my personal observations, it seems like these sorts of "car sex" relationships are short-lived.

Let's just say I really think that you can find someone better. Someone who doesn't make you worry and wonder like this. I'm not dating yet, but I have to think that there's someone else out there who is a little more laid back, respectful, and right for you. I hope you find him!!!

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 10:35 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to wonder what the fuck ever happened to men trying to act like gentlemen? This was a third date, for shits sakes!

What suckstobeme said.

This has looking-for-an-easy-lay written all over it. Not a lot of respect being shown here. I say run. Red flags are everywhere.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 important words

Trust your GUT


End of story.....


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 552 | Registered: Jul 2012
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any man who decides I'm not worth it if I don't put out by the third date can go fuck himself, 'cuz he sure as hell isn't going to get to fuck me.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 491 | Registered: Mar 2003
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading this thread makes me wonder if I'm old fashioned.....

Do guys really do this sort of thing now?


If a guy I barely knew brought up all of that, I'd run so fast there would be scorch marks on the road......

[This message edited by whyohwhyohwhy at 6:55 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds like the kind if convo xpos (SA) would have on the first date based on the things he had started saying to me before DDay. Heck, he would likely have broached it in emails, texts or on the phone before wasting time on a date!

I agree that there's merit to what everyone has posted, especially to follow your gut. You know what you're comfortable with and by asking this, it sounds like this isn't it.

Edited because my phone has a mind of it's own!

[This message edited by thebighurt at 7:14 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like all those things - except in the car, I would rather have a little more room to work with these days.

Funny thing is - I was into all those things when I was married. XWH had me chasing him around and trying new things to keep the "spark" alive and he still cheated.

You know if the guy has been single awhile, the porn thing is just a way of release if you can't get the real thing. Or a fun addition. Not all people who watch porn are sex addicts. But if it's a red flag for you, then next him.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things that tend to happen in early dating, you are putting your best self out there, and you are looking for deal breakers.

Ok, so he is getting his deal breakers out in the open, but unless you were the one that turned the conversation to sex, I would expect a bit more tact than "just so you know I like sex, and lots of it, and in cars, and porn too." That is best foot? An attempt not to come off as a lecherous perv too early? What happened to playful innuendo? Next.


Posts: 2973 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see this so much as a 'trust your gut' thing but rather 'trust yourself'. If ANYTHING makes you uncomfortable, own it and move on. Don't go casting aspersions on someone's personality just because you're not into what they are into.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19189 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a guy I barely knew brought up all of that, I'd run so fast there would be scorch marks on the road......

Me too!


Posts: 455 | Registered: Jul 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for quick and easy sex, he sounds like the guy.

If you are looking for something deep and lasting, probably not. Since I am to the point where I want a deeper, lasting relationship, that type of sex talk so early in a dating scenario would skeeve me out.

I don't like porn either, for the reasons mentioned here. I want realistic expectations and unfortunately my own experience with men and porn is that the guys I have been with that were into porn tended to use the porn in our own intimacy and porn sex isn't very satisfying to me. And since they felt they were doing it like the porn stars, it was hard to let them know that no, that type of position doesn't do a damn thing for me.

As far as doing it in the car, if the mood hits, whatever. But planning it and talking about it beforehand seems a bit forced. And it makes me wonder if he is more into the thrill of chancing getting caught than the actual intimacy of the act. I'm to the point where I have to have intimacy to have sex, and talking about it with a virtual stranger I've only just started to get to know isn't very attractive to me.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A guy's OLD profile from this weekend:

"I like to have sex with a woman anytime, anyplace"

Instant NEXT for me. BUT, I would rather know what a person is into early on because if it is dealbreaker....you might as well know now.

I am not a prude - but I am not up for a throw-down anytime/any place either.

Your guy might simply be tired of vesting lots of time into a dating with ppl who do find his likes a definite no-no.

Unless he reaked of 'creep-factor', I would not find what he said SA-crazy. I mean, he could be an SA, but it seems like porn is a popular past-time for many (not me).

However, only you know if that is what you are looking for or not. Like others say - trust your gut.

Now to answer the poll...Ummm - no clue the last time I had $ex in a car but it has been decades.

(I am 43)

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:23 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Topic Posts: 41
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