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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Insecurities
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So ever since the beginning of our relationship, I have been very insecure about myself. I always need to have validation. Always to tell me I am doing good or to tell me you're not upset with me. I hate when people are upset with me. Just the feeling of knowing someone is upset with me, sucks.

The other day I went out to get some formula for our son. I had my kids with me. I kept in contact the whole time I was gone. But as I was waiting to come home, I sent a text to my husband. I noticed that he stopped communication with me (turns out he fell asleep). But I thought that something happened and he was upset with me, that's why he stopped talking to me. I needed to hear him tell me that he wasn't upset with me and that everything was okay. Otherwise I wouldn't be okay.

There are many many other examples I could name, but I would be here for a while. So that's just one example.

I wish I didn't need to hear him say that to me to feel okay about things. Is there any way I can get over these insecurities?


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FR2012... I honestly don't think there's any way to get "over" these insecurities, it's more of a matter of getting through them. In my case, my affair had a lot to do with my own personal insecurities, and a desire for external validation. I had to get to a point where I had to ignore my insecurities, and live in the present, do what I thought was right and authentic from moment to moment, and let the cards fall and lay where they lay. The only actions and thoughts I could control were my own.

Long story short, I think the only way to get over one's own personal insecurities is to face them, and work on them in the context of one's own personal space. A lot of confidence can be gained by making the right choices, and doing the best that you can to love and comfort your spouse at the same time.

Do the best that you can do, and then analyze your efforts, and see what you can think of to do better. It takes a lot of creativity and hard work. Posting here and getting feedback is an excellent step in the right direction.

Keep working at it. Your husband deserves it, and you deserve it, too. Take care, and best of luck to you.


Posts: 7485 | Registered: Dec 2010
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to get to a point where I had to ignore my insecurities, and live in the present, do what I thought was right and authentic from moment to moment, and let the cards fall and lay where they lay. The only actions and thoughts I could control were my own.

Exactly.

I have always hated the thought of someone being mad or disappointed in me also. I often made assumptions that just weren't true, whether with my BH or a friend and it drove me f'ing nuts!

Over analyzing this shit will drive you crazy. But honestly if you are doing the right thing, as Losfer said, that is really all you can do.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned that all of my insecurities have a source. Most of the time my parents screwed me up :) I had an eventless childhood with no abuse. How could I be this damaged? But I was. Sounds like you could benefit from IC. Naming the source is half the battle.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So ever since the beginning of our relationship, I have been very insecure about myself. I always need to have validation. Always to tell me I am doing good or to tell me you're not upset with me. I hate when people are upset with me. Just the feeling of knowing someone is upset with me, sucks.

I am like this too. I feel like I can never get enough validation. I hardly get any of my esteem internally. My BH asked me on the phone today why him loving me and caring about me wasn't enough. I have no idea why. I am not sure where my insecurities come from either. I need to start looking within for validation which after 38 years is a hard habit to break.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 2:54 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey FR,

Your post resonated with me because I too have what you are describing. My stomach can go into turmoil thinking that someone is angry with me.

But in this very difficult journey of growth, I'm starting to learn what is going on for me, and some of this may explain things for you too.

Until the last year, I never realised how afraid I was. The fear that sits on my shoulder has always been there, and from the age of 17 I have tried to alleviate this by some pretty destructive behaviours. From 18 I drank so much, that I often put myself in risky situations. I was promiscuous and was never faithful with any boyfriend I had. The drinking and inappropriate/unfaithful behaviour just carried right through until 7 years ago. I still have to mindful of alcohol consumption now.

I'm beginning to realise this fear started in childhood, but knowing and understanding the origins of my fear, doesn't make it any easier to change it.

What I'm realising now, is that I have to feel the fear, without using old coping mechanisms (see above) as they no longer work for me. And have caused a lot of damage to myself, and family/friends. So what am I left with? I'm left with having to face my terror, my feelings of just feeling so 'bad' all the time, and slowly I'm realising I can get through it. That those feelings do pass, and I survive it. I'm learning to have to sit with feeling really bloody uncomfortable, and also be very mindful of what is going on my head at any given time, and knowing it will pass. I guess I'm learning how to soothe myself. And its a long process. Change doesn't occur overnight, so give yourself a break.

When your mind jumps to the worst case scenario, for example, your husband not responding immediately to your text, soothe yourself by saying "ok. he could be busy, or yes, he could be angry with me, but I can work through that and handle whatever comes from that". Because I've realised how little faith I've had in myself that I can get through hard times, or difficult conversations, and that when someone shows me they are angry with me, this is in fact a gift they are giving me. They are not withdrawing and cutting me off, but loving me enough to say that I have hurt them in some way.

It's hard of course, especially when you already feel so 'bad' all the time.

And although someone said here you can analyse too much, I don't agree. Constantly checking on yourself and what is going on for you is incredibly important. And that is backed up by one of the greatest philosophers Socrates who said "the unexamined life is not worth living".

So check in with yourself, take deep breaths, know that even if someone is not pleased with you, it is up to them to bring it to you, and know that you are loved enough for them to do that.

Take care.

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 3:17 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to this group.

My insecurities come from my childhood and adolescence. I was physically different as a young person in a very rural community where being the same was prized. I was bullied and ostracized by my peers pretty much all through school. I wish more parents realize how damaging this is. Mine sure didn't. My mother was shocked when I recently mentioned how I felt as though I was going through hell as a child. She never understood how bad it was, emotionally.

After I "blossomed" so to speak during my late teens and early adulthood, I was instantly hooked on all the external validation I was suddenly getting. I absorbed it like a sponge; there wasn't enough. And the insecurity was still there in full force: now that I had what I had been missing, what I *thought* I desperately needed---other people's approval---I was terrified of losing it.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2223 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
ophelia24
♀ Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also wanted to add, although my post discusses it, that I don't think it is about feeling 'insecure', which sounds too mild. Its about feeling afraid, and when we realise that, we realise it is not new, but has always been with us, in one form or another. It can be crippling. Which is why it has to be faced. And not in the cliché of "feel the fear and do it anyway", although there is some truth in that, but to realise that we CAN handle what is thrown at us. Even someone being angry with us. And know we can survive it.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I "blossomed" so to speak during my late teens and early adulthood, I was instantly hooked on all the external validation I was suddenly getting. I absorbed it like a sponge; there wasn't enough. And the insecurity was still there in full force: now that I had what I had been missing, what I *thought* I desperately needed---other people's approval---I was terrified of losing it.

^^^YES!
Maybe I didn't feel I was able to end the affair because I didn't want to give up the "validation" I was getting. It makes me nauseous thinking about it.

Ophelia - You're probably right. It's more fear turn insecurity.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There isn't a person alive that doesn't struggle with insecurities. It's how we manage them that makes all the difference. Personally, I sit with it, think about it, analyze it but not too much, and then make the distinction between reality and fantasy. Are these insecurities grounded in reality? Most of the time, the answer is no.

FWIW, there is a level of confidence that comes from living an authentic, transparent life. It does take time, not only to get to that point but to embrace your new reality and new self.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5971 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 10

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