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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this a red flag?
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LDRs can be very hard. Small problems become big. Small slights get magnified. Partners can seem unsupportive because they are never there. It sounds like your SO has been fighting with himself but making you the target. Just know his ugliness to you is his depression talking and that old defense mechanism of being mean to you so that you hurt like he does, not because he believes what he said.

I'm sorry because you've also got the family issues to deal with.

((((courageous)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((courageous)))
I'm so sorry. Depression can affect males/females differently. Men are more prone to anger when depressed. I'm sure some of what you are seeing from him is symptoms of his illness. However, that does not mean you have to live with it. If he isn't doing what needs to be done to heal and work with his illness, then there is no hope of him getting better. I couldn't live with someone with a major depressive disorder if they weren't actively getting help. Mental illness is no different than physical illness. It involves a change in brain chemistry that needs to be treated. And just like a wounded animal, many people when hurt or in pain will strike out at others and that may be what your SO is doing.

Again, though, that does not mean that you have to stick around to deal with it. I wouldn't on any kind of long term basis. This just may help explain what you are dealing with.

Again, I'm so sorry.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are still dating. I discovered he was withholding something completely by accident. I wasn't paying attention and read something I wasn't suppose to. I fessed up to within hours and apologized. He doesn't believe it was an accident and he now wonders what else I have not been truthful about. I'm really upset that he is calling me a liar and questioning my honesty. I'm getting in trouble for being honest... It doesn't make sense.

He didn't tell me because he was concerned that what he had to say was going to overwhelm me and put me in a tailspin and he didn't want to worry me. This made me feel like I'm repeating history. It's a partial trigger for me and it's also a concern.

I told him he has been insensitive and acting like a jerk to me....the response I got was he is hurting and is struggling with being affectionate and sharing his feelings. I guess I need to stay in this relationship, with my needs not getting met, and hope for a brighter future. He was never like this when we were just friends. I don't understand. Even then when he was super depressed he wouldn't talk to me as much but he wasn't rude.

But I guess he could isolate from me back then and now he can't. It's like he desperately wants to retreat and not talk for a long time but he doesn't for me.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I need to stay in this relationship, with my needs not getting met, and hope for a brighter future.
Or you can wish him well and find someone who WILL meet your needs (and vice versa) in a healthy relationship.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I need to stay in this relationship, with my needs not getting met

Good grief - why?

- He doesn't believe it was an accident and he now wonders what else I have not been truthful about.

- I'm really upset that he is calling me a liar

You deserve better.

He didn't tell me because he was concerned that what he had to say was going to overwhelm me and put me in a tailspin and he didn't want to worry me.

Not cool. You are a big girl and can decide for yourself what you can and can't deal with. Not his call.

the response I got was he is hurting and is struggling with being affectionate and sharing his feelings.

So he is justifying being a jerk?


Even then when he was super depressed he wouldn't talk to me as much but he wasn't rude.

I have dated someone who was depressed. They would totally isolate and detach. It was hard as heck for me because they wouldn't even tell me...just disappear.

My concern is you are dealing with someone who is depressed for a large portion of the year so THIS will be the norm.

I am sorry - it just doesn't seem like the right relationship at the right time for either of you.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:06 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just realized that I left out a crucially detail. In the 8 month relationship it has only been the last month that he hasn't been meeting my needs.

I don't know what happened but today he is acting like the old SO I know and love.

[This message edited by courageous at 11:31 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't paying attention and read something I wasn't suppose to.
Excuse me. You guys have been together for over 8 months, are in a serious committed relationship, and he got angry because you read something you weren't supposed to? SECRETS ARE BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Anyway, what he is really angry about is that he carelessly left something around that he didn't want you to see. It's on him, not you. If he doesn't want you to see something, he shouldn't say it, write it, or text it. Period. And I am concerned about a relationship where you can't talk about anything and everything together.

I don't care that it was something he was trying to "protect you from" (as if you are a six year old that can't handle the truth or reality?)

courageous...it is clear you aren't ready to give this one up and that is okay. It took me over a YEAR to end it with my XSO even when I knew I should. I still loved him and didn't want to deal with the end of something that I valued.

Maybe he will get some help for his depression and make changes. Nothing is impossible (maybe unlikely but not impossible.) Try to have a deep talk with him, let him know your needs, and see how he responds. If you still feel SOME hope that he will be able to meet your needs in the future and he is willing to work on things...there isn't anything wrong with giving this a little more time....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your needs are not being met for over half the year - all of fall and winter and for part of spring - when he is depressed. What is he doing about his depression issues? What is he doing to correct the imbalance? It sounds like it is a seasonal depression - quite common. BUT does he use a tanning bed, adjust his time so he spends more time outside, especially when it's sunny, medication, etc. to remedy the situation?

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 28
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