I still love him with all my heart, but for the most part I am a strong, capable, beautiful woman and I will survive this upheaval of my life, and I now realize that I deserve all of my husband - not just the parts he reserves for me.
We will be doing in house separation when he isn't traveling (he travels ALL the time) so certain issues must be worked through - like the fact that we can't go more than two days together in an emotionally charged situation without falling into bed together.
My difficulty lies in letting go emotionally. I do still love him with all my heart and don't want to divorce him, but realize that I have no control over what he chooses to do.
I'm going to need strength and composure. Any ideas?
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I guess the thing that helped me was to turn my thinking around and take back control of my emotions, at least as much as possible in the beginning stages. What I mean is to take control and find your anger. Direct it toward the person who most deserves it - him. You say you know you're beautiful and strong and capable, but it doesn't sound like you truly believe it if you still want to be with a man who could break your heart with an A and then rub salt in the wound by having to "decide" between some OW pig and his family. He doesn't deserve you - know that in your heart.
I don't mean to sound harsh and I know exactly how you are feeling but it's the only way to try to break that emotional connection. He's a bastard who doesn't get to choose you anymore. You let him know that you don't choose him.
I don't know how in house S works. To me, it sounds like its own brand of hell. If you have to do it, then you need to be sure that you employ a hard 180 whenever he is around. The last thing you need is to have sex with him. That will only further destroy your emotions.
If you don't have to do in house S for financial reasons, I wouldn't. It's very hard to get your heart to catch up with your head and unfortunately keeping him around you for longer than necessary is only going to prolong the pain.
I'm sorry. You WILL survive this, but you also have to stop thinking of him and put yourself and your children first. He doesn't matter now.
Financially it is best for us right now. He could go live in the barracks, but it would sink me financially.
I do often want him to still choose me because I'm suffering my own shame and embarrassment regarding my part of our marital problems. "If I had only done this and if I had only done that" thinking.
I don't feel completely blameless and still mostly blame myself for the failing of my marriage.
[This message edited by PositiveAttitude at 9:22 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]
Yes, I may have some faults that made our marriage less than perfect, but at no point did I physically push her onto another guy's dick. And more importantly, at no point did I dip my wick into anything I wasn't supposed to.
The infidelity is totally your husband's fault. He's an arsehole, and he decided that getting off was more important than working on your marriage. That's totally on him, dude.
And that's something that is very easy for you to get good and mad about. Find your rage.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
Or should that make my rage and anger ever more intense?
I'm suffering my own shame and embarrassment regarding my part of our marital problems. "If I had only done this and if I had only done that" thinking. I don't feel completely blameless and still mostly blame myself for the failing of my marriage.
With each stage of healing the personal narrative becomes shorter:
"In 2012, he did X and I did Y, and we spent all of 2013 in false R, etc."
Until, finally, it's a one-word Facebook status:
That's it, really: Divorced
I highly doubt it.
Pass is spot on. You were in the same marriage and didn't try to invite a third party into it. I'm sure you didn't whistle show tunes out of your ass every minute of every day either between kids, bills, work, taking care of a house and dealing with his travel schedule.
Look, you still love him and that's nothing you can turn off like a faucet. But, at some point, you have to stop protecting him and making excuses for his purely selfish, cruel and abusive behavior. This is not your fault. None of us is able to compete with a fantasy. He wanted a fantasy of irresponsibility, free sex, and someone at home to take care of him and his kids. That's not real life.
Again, this is not your fault and fuck him for making you think so.
EDited to add - and yes, your rage should intensify when you truly realize that he not only sought out another for sex, but that he had the nerve to pour energy into a fake bullshit "relationship" for several months when he should have poured that energy into saving his family. He knows better and just wants to shift the blame over to you so he can sleep better at night.
[This message edited by suckstobeme at 12:53 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]
It sounds to me like you have a lot of decisions to make and I think, unfortunately, that while you are near your WH, you might have trouble with this.
Some questions come to mind to ask yourself-could you be happy knowing that you were sharing your H with another woman? Could you be happy not knowing where he is for portions of time? At long last, I could not.
What about STD's and health and strangers in your life that you don't need?
What about respect for yourself?
Sometimes I find that old patterns-even sex as an old pattern-seem like comfort for a time, but I got to feeling like I was settling and being used.
No, none of us have control over what another person does and sometimes all that we do doesn't matter in the end. And that's a person we don't need anyway.
I loved XPervert, as I said, even after I knew what he did and I'm embarrassed to admit it now, but we all go through the process in different ways.
There is a threshold that we come to or "deal breakers", it's called on SI often, where you will just...know.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
Can I still be angry if the "getting off" from him was less about the sexual release and more about the emotional fulfillment he sought?
Or should that make my rage and anger ever more intense?
It doesn't matter what his excuse was. He went outside your marriage instead of trying to work it out. If it couldn't be worked out, then it was his job to end the marriage before starting up a new relationship.
There is no excuse for it. He did a bad thing, and is making you believe it was your fault. Fuck him!
I wish you could get some distance from this guy, PA, so that you can look at him and your situation from different angles. I wonder if sticking to the same routine is prolonging your rose colored glassed from changing hues? I don't mean it rudely and hope it won't be taken that way, but when XPervert was around more I found it hard see the real deal and make some distance for myself to sort things out.
Being in close quarters I would think would not be easy and would it prolong any of the processes you need to work through?