Prior to this, WS and I have been working hard to recover. WS has been doing all he can to fix himself. We are both in IC and in MC. WS still hides behind his keyboard too much for communicating about A (IMHO) but at least we can work through it. We do things together, he puts me first and now understands boundaries.
I fear my broken elbow,which is badly broken and leaves me a bit more dependent on him, might set us back in our recovery. Understandably he is worried about my physical recovery and long term health. He's worried that this extra stress will affect our recovery from the A. I must admit I have similar concerns. I want to reassure him everything will be okay and I want him to do the same for me
I do not recommend breaking an elbow as an intelligent way to cement recovery.... Though I must admit that this is the first time I felt we could consider ourselves as being "in recovery".
"Keep you in the dark you know they all pretend. Keep you in the dark and so it all began" Pretender by Foo Fighters
Sometimes couples can get closer when they help each other through a health issue. Maybe there will be hidden opportunities to communicate and bond with your husband?
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
If your goal is an M that is a partnership, this is an opportunity to build it, and if your H steps up, he'll build a lot of trust. If you both keep talking to each other about the triumphs and awfulness of your physical recovery, this could help R - but remember to complain about the sitch, not each other.
Also, I suggest that you ask straight for help you want and make distinctions between what you need now, need later, want now, and want later.
For a chuckle, I hope, 3 days ago I unclipped from my right pedal and leaned left when I stopped. First fall in 28 years (when I was learning to use toe clips, straps, and nail-on cleats). Yup, I'm new to clipless pedals....
I'm not superstitious, but 2013 can really go to hell as far as I'm concerned. There's just so much negative in our lives right now....
Sissoon thanks for sharing your advice I appreciate it! Hope your fall wasn't too bad... I'm starting to find bruises, scrapes and aches from the accident that I didn't know where there until today.
I plug on.... Waiting for the next load of crap to be thrown at me this year....
He would prefer to discuss affair details by computer, which I don't like, but he always answers my questions. He i s trying to talk in person about these things. I guess he's too ashamed of what he has done
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
I did crash pretty badly the day before my 40th birthday. Some thoughts based on that experience:
Remember - bad accident, bodily damage, and surgery adds up to trauma, so expect to go through trauma recovery for that even while you're recovering from infidelity's trauma. The injury to your elbow could have all sorts of unexpected emotional ramifications, just like any other trauma.
Be kind to yourself. Unless you're allergic or abuse drugs, use prescribed painkillers as prescribed. Don't stuff your feelings about the accident. You can always post here or on a bike forum about your pain and frustration, if your H and friends hit their limits. When you start PT, use your head - if something hurts too much, tell the therapist.
IMO, caring for a sick partner is something one partner must do for the other; that care builds bonds of trust. If your H can't do that, do you really want him? At the same time, it's difficult for the caregiver. I think you can commiserate with each other and build bonds of trust that way.
I won't offer a hug, because I suspect a hug would hurt now. How about some virtual flowers? Chocolate?
It's unfortunate, but this new delivery of crap will just have to be gotten through, as you have the other things this year. Pull together with your H, accept his help and know that you will heal and move forward. Sure, it's easy for me to say, sitting here with two working arms and not battling the pain and exhaustion you have. But there isn't any way beyond it all but through it right now. Get rest, eat- you know the drill, I'm sure.
I agree with Losferwords- and I hope that there can be some face to face communication can replace the computer to computer time.
Sending you virtual treats and good thoughts. Speedy recovery to you.
As to the other issues, I would hope your WS would be supportive in your recovery and use the opportunity to demonstrate his love and care for you. I second Losfer's comments above too.
I want to reassure him everything will be okay and I want him to do the same for me
Tell him this ^^^ and above all tell him what you need, especially now. Injury recovery is difficult work, you will hurt, be cranky, be exhausted, and depressed over your limitations. When you are feel these things, tell him so he doesn't have to read your mind, signals,or otherwise guess what is going on. We men are fairly simple creatures, who generally want to help and be supportive when their spouse is hurting. Physical hurting is much easier to see and understand than the emotional hurt that results from a A, but tell him how you are feeling. "I'm fine" really just says, leave me alone, or that's what we hear, when really your arm hurts like hell and you want him to tell you he understands and to get you some soup from the kitchen.
Oh, don't rush the recovery and overdo - joint injuries take a long time to heal and to recover your range of motion. Take it slow and follow your MD and PT's advice. Good luck and take it slow.
The problem is that he has drawn away from me emotionally. I know there is something wrong. I can tell from the look on his face. All I get out of him is that he wants me to get better. How do I get him to talk to me? I'm really concerned that this injury will wreck everything we've worked towards in the past 8 months!
Are you mobile? An MC session or a joint session with his IC or yours, with a goal of opening up communication about helping each other (with a strong emphasis on him helping you) could help.
Remember, you will heal.
I hope your H steps up. In fact, I hope he stepped up just after you posted.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:04 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
Till then, I will keep trying to get him to open up. He's upset and worried about me, I just hate to see him keeping his pain inside
Could he possibly have had an ah ha moment?
I don't mean he didn't get it prior, but was your accident frightening for him? Could he have had the ...OMG look at what happened to her/ I could have lost her/look what I did to her moment and is actually sick about it?
About 6 months into R my sister in law passed away in her sleep. She was in her early 30's appeared to be healthy and it shook the entire family.
My husband was upset about her passing but for some reason while at the hospital after they pronounced her, he suddenly had a "holy shit" this could be us moment...
He came home dazed and devastated.
I figured it was the trauma of the days events, but he confessed later that he couldnt stop imagining what if it had been me. He said he had been such a shit that if I died like she did he would never be able to repair what he had done.
He was sick about it...
Maybe your H imagined the worst and realizes there isn't always time for making things right?
I hope he fesses up to whats bothering him
ETA: I get the everything sucks part of this. The year of my husbands affair was the worst year of our married lives together, not just the A, we had major traumatic events happening around us constantly. It left us always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is difficult, and I understand the pain, constant ick and the waiting for the next thing to come. Hang in there.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:00 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
Never thought of that. He was right behind me when the accident happened. He has done all the physical stuff I need. He's a bit over cautious, but it was a bad break....
We've had a year from hell otherwise... Yes, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lots of close friends and fmaily deaths to deal with, lots of illness and bad luck at work. Doesn't seem to end. Because he hasn't ever shared his feelings with me, maybe you are right. This could be an aha moment... But how do I get him to open up?
This could be an aha moment... But how do I get him to open up?
I would just ask him what it was like being behind you during your fall. See what you get. You are asking a completely safe, easy question,not even A related.
See what he says.
He might have gotten scared to death and is unable to handle the feelings it brought about.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
My question is not meant to pin you down. I couldn't describe 'opening up' very well, and maybe you can.
Also, you're the one who's been traumatized multiple times. Shouldn't you be the one to open up? (I think the answer is 'yes', but something that I can't put my finger on tells me I'm wrong.)
2) If you give a good answer to my question, you could enlighten a lot of men and do a great service for women....
It's like his avoidance and pushing away behaviour, which very much defined him during his a, has come back.
I tried to get him to talk about it at breakfast today. The answer I got was, "we'll I can't be happy that you are in pain". That's not what I meant. I feel like something is eating at him and he's hiding something from me. I told him my arm is broken, not my brain or my heart
He also said he feels like the accident has prevented us from becoming "normal" again. He feels we are jinxed. Again I reassured him that my priority is for us to get over this....
I'm at a real loss here.