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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Has Anyones WS Started Doing Wrong Again?!?
♀ New Member
Member # 40018
Concerned  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 7 months since D-Day and it has been sooo hard for me. Long story short, my WH and I have been to counseling and things started to "get better"...

(sidenote: during the 3 month post-counseling, I found out that I was pregnant. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. Everyone expects me to be over-the-moon excited and I feel completely nonchalant.)

...anyway, I digress, things were getting better. I feel like we were both taking things that we learned in therapy and applying them in our daily lives and it was reassuring to know that perhaps my decision to stay was validated. Then today happened.

For the past few days, my "spidey sense" has been tingling. I even had a very vivid dream of him cheating again, and my intuition has been heightened ever since. I went to check his email (he knows I have access and check it periodically) and saw that he signed up for an online dating site 3 weeks ago. His headline? "I just want some h***".

I don't know what to do right now. I feel so tired of putting in the effort into this marriage if every 6-8 months, he decides to slip. This time, it's an online dating site - next 6 months, who knows?

I don't even want to talk to him right now. I feel so disgusted with him (and with myself for even staying this long). Part of me feels "stuck" now that we are having a baby.

I'm planning on seeing if I can get an emergency session with our therapist sometime this week. But in the meantime, I'm going insane internally. I can't even look him in the eyes...

...any words/ideas/comments/advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. . . Does he know you know? If so, what did he say?

Was his cheating part of a pattern? People here mention SA a lot, and while I don't have experience with it, maybe it is something to look into if he seems otherwise committed?

I have to admit, I am not quite sure what h*** is. Can you give one more letter?

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ New Member
Member # 40018
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


No, he doesn't know that I know. I haven't said anything to him about it as Im not sure what to say. Im so exasperated with this whole situation...I feel over it. I just wanted to be in a marriage where I didnt have to worry about about fidelity. But cest la vie. that you mention it, his cheating was apart of a pattern but I dont know what SA means (newbie :-)). If this is just reoccurring AGAIN, then am I just wasting my time?

And for the "h-word". I wasnt sure if I could type it without getting flagged ha. Its a slang term. The word is the part of your body that is attached above your neck.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that your WH is disrespecting you....again.

I give you a lot of credit. Never would I have the self control to stay quiet. The minute I saw that I would have been all over him.

Your best chance of getting him to stop is to make him understand that there are consequences, serious consequences. I would tell him to get out, that you do not want a husband who behaves this way and will never tolerate it.

If he truly wants to remain in the M this will scare him. Let him know that YES, he will lose you unless he changes.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - I get it!

SA= sexual addiction

Sometimes folks who have multiple affairs or

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him you know and you would like to put a porno/dating lock on the computer ..there are also software that allows you to se EVERYTHING he sees (he can't delete it) and if he KNOWS you will see it this may help as well....porno/dating sites are "addicting" and habit forming...once the habit is formed it is hard to break...he gets"reward" to see all the women who appear to just want him...big ego boost there. It may not be SA but "habit" that triggers the brain with reward.

Talk to him without anger. Tell him you understand that it may be hard to break this habit and that he may be dealing with a "brain" response and not actually "want" these women....He should tell you when he get the "itch" ...he should identify what make him FEEL like "I want to check out the dating sites..." is it bordedom? Does he actually feel something physical in his body somewhere? If you can actually identify HIS trigger and talk about it frankly it may help...I know this is SOOOOOO hard...had to do it myself and man it does not FEEL good but if you two can work together to identify HIS triggers (how he feels when he get triggered, what is he doing before he gets triggered.....) and then if you can find another "habit" that will still give him the "reward" he is craving...attention, ego boost...I know this all sounds strange but it may be that if YOU can somehow find it in your heart and strength to give him that "reward" a touch, kind word, kiss, tell him he is doing great.... and "reward" him over and over again for this "good " behavior may help him break the habit...instill new good habit, and give him "reward"...I am not expert but it might be worth a try and it is empowering for YOU to be in charge of this....

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:42 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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