The next day it got stranger. I clean the office and homes that are to be sold and Wh's place of employment. Everyone is off on Sundays so I was there alone. It's about a 20-25min drive from our home. The entire time I was there he kept messaging me to hurry home. I eventually got frustrated because he was acting strange and put off two of the homes that needed to be cleaned. I told him I was coming home. I got home 35 mins later due to traffic. Wh met me outside and immediately looked in the backseat. I knew instantly what he was doing. He was checking to see if the seats had been moved. He began interrogating me on my "actual" whereabouts and had me give him a play by play of how I spent my time. He kept staring at my neck and tried to claim I had what looked like hickeys??? I got angry, as this is certaintly not the first time he has done this, and when I did he seemed to lose it. He started sobbing, pleading with me to tell him if I am seeing anyone (I'm not!), and saying over and over "I'm sooo stupid. I'm sick babe, I need help." He then started to vomit. I was shocked. I've never seen him act like that before. Accusations, yes all the time but he seemed to have some sort of breakdown. He said he felt so guilty for what he did to me and now he has this gut feeling I am doing something wrong.
I feel so uneasy! We start counseling on Thursday but I don't even recognize him anymore! I'm starting to wonder if there isn't something seriously wrong with him. I don't know how to handle this. Is this something that is normal when someone feels extremely guilty? Is it a sign he is still be unfaithful? Or is this something more??? I'm at a loss. His behavior is so irrational!
I thought I was imagining the kooky stuff and villianizing him due to the infidelity but now I really think something is wrong.
the only thing i could think of is my H has occasional panic attacks where he will flip out and be saying, come home now please! and has actually vomited from panic attacks.
is he on any meds?
It doesn't mean he is mentally ill, but combined with his history of blaming you for things he is doing, it is at least a pink flag.
Glad he is going to counseling. . . Keep reaching out for support.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:32 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
Something is very very wrong with this picture.
[This message edited by hathnofury at 9:30 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
"I'm sooo stupid. I'm sick babe, I need help." He then started to vomit.
This would really cause my alarm bells to go off. That's a pretty visceral reaction.
I don't know what the source of this behavior is, but for self protection I too, would get this documented.
Maybe he has done something that he fears is about to be exposed. Irrational behavior is hard to explain, so regardless of what it is...I'd take him at his word. Whatever he means by "stupid, sick and needs help" means you need to protect yourself.
I'm sick babe, I need help.
He needs help.
I hope to God that he's not projecting onto you. I hope he's never even glanced at a child's genitalia in a sexual manner. I hope he's done NONE of the things he's ever accused you of doing.
But take him at his word.
Help him get it, and if he will not, ask him to leave until he does. (I know this is hard; I have done it.)
And in the meantime, do talk with a lawyer. I think he may be setting you up.
(((((cll)))) I'm really sorry.
ETA: In your shoes, I'd postpone MC. MC with a sick spouse is futile. I'd ask that he set himself up with IC, and do the same.
MC is for remorseful people who are capable of gathering tools to improve their relationships.
He is not properly equipped. And unequipped, he can cause you tremendous damage.
ETA: I disagree that a "normal" person (and I don't like that term, but it was used upthread) might develop an obsessive thought of a child-related sexual nature, vomit as a result of panic, and "need to check" to validate that the obsessive thought is not true.
No. That is unhealthy behavior, and the person exhibiting it is sick. Now, perfectly nice people become sick. Some get well. Some do not. Both need help.
[This message edited by solus sto at 9:44 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
"I'm sooo stupid. I'm sick babe, I need help."
This was a cry for help. He wasn't controlling himself at that moment and this was a real message from inside himself, coming out.
I agree that an MC is not equipped to deal with this issue. This is not a marriage issue at its base. It is not a communication issue, or compromise issue. It's a WH issue, and one that goes deeper than the marriage.
He's gotten to the point where he knows he's sick and he knows it's out of his control - this is serious. Take it seriously and please get him IC help after you make moves to protect yourself and your children.
As far as the fact that he was surfing for porn that emphasized extreme age differences between the partners, and then coincidentally accused you of doing something that is so far from normal behavior that most people wouldn't even think in those terms much less imagine they see it, even less so imagine they see it in a completely innocent family moment with their spouse and children.
In these cases, as parents, we have to protect ourselves and children as if the worst case scenario is in play, and then adjust accordingly once we know what the reality is. If he's a loving father he'll be offended and defensive, but in the long run will understand any temporary protective measures you have to put in place until this is resolved.
Good luck to you.
You might also want to consider getting a nanny cam & setting it up in your daughter's bedroom.
My STBX is a SA. He is into, among other sick shit, teen rape. Lots of rape in all orafices, very young girls. As long as it's rape. I know how depraved people can be. What I didn't know was that my husband, the father of my children, is one of those depraved people. You need to really become a mother bear, Hon.
Now please take action. I can assure you that no one you speak to is going to think you're the crazy person. Take definitive action starting today. I
I, too, find the other things you posted to be scary, and a definite need for help. Sending you many, many positive courageous vibes to help you deal with this.