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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Calling all Hope 3+ years out
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Karmahappens...

I am in year 2, rounding the corner toward year 3.

I can so relate to what you posted

For me, after year 2 which was difficult, as others mentioned, I found myself needing to address the crazies.

But I still allowed myself to go to crazy places.

I could set myself back with negative thoughts if I allowed my crazy brain to drive me.

I could be in a puddle on the floor, full of doubt, making big out of small and creating a chaotic mess for myself.

It had become almost normal for me. But it was far from healthy and certainly not a normal I wanted to live in.

^^This. This was me at the beginning of year 2 and sometimes even now. My WH would say that he thought I fought just because I wanted to be fighting. And you know, after awhile, I had to kinda agree. The fighting with each other, for each other...it all becomes second nature and you can really get STUCK there.

And I have started this....

I have learned how to let go and accept.

I realized this part was about me, he couldn’t get here for me and it was unfair to continuously be holding him accountable for things he had no control over.

I had to learn that I was enough, that I was good and worth him giving his all to me.

I had to remove things that were not A related from my pain,

I had to reverse that and only address A issues as A issues, not letting my life be the A issue…KWIM?

So I started to let go. I let go of the voice that would spin webs in my head. I ignored little nagging negative things that were really nothing.

And now I am focusing on this...

I replaced them with action, a different kind of action since dday. I did positive things for my M, with my spouse, because I wanted to, not because I was escaping a trigger or trying to right a wrong. We began to live married again. I removed the A from my motives to do.
I was in my M because I wanted to be. I wasn’t in survival mode; I wasn’t fighting for my life.

I had to realize it was time to stop fighting and let things be.

Thank you again, Karmahappens. You have put into words what I am living right now. I am eternally grateful!!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Year two here also. Ugh.
Sometimes it just smacks me- this happened-he did this!
I'm all over the place-flat, then Rollercoaster. Mostly, I want to run.

I was really happy to read these posts today.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
sunandmoon
♀ Member
Member # 10180
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm more than 8 years out (pop in from time to time to check how all are doing and offer support. Also, three freinds are or have D in the past year due to A which sent me back here for some wisdom). The plain of lethal flatness was so much more difficult for me than even the first year of heartbreak and chaos. Feeling nothing for anything- even at times for my kids- was gut wrenching. I would say it is pretty smooth coming out from that phase. But I have to be honest- there is still work to be done. And that is just because Marriage is work. Relationships are work. I am not R'd or M'd because I HAVE to be. I am because I CHOOSE to be and when we make a choice we have to do the work to put that choice in to action.

Sending all of you R'ers positive vibes-

sunandmoon


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Mar 2006
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

2.5 months to go before year 2 is done. Have felt a shift in last few months toward a peace and acceptance with less focus on outcome. And WH IC is finally turning him around. I'm still not convinced entirely. But I am not to be the victim of this A any longer. My life is more.

And i keep finding joy- in some of the places it used to be and in some new ones.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Year two here also. Ugh.
Sometimes it just smacks me- this happened-he did this!
I'm all over the place-flat, then Rollercoaster. Mostly, I want to run.
I was really happy to read these posts today.

exactly where I am at. Especially the "wanting to run" part.

He could be golden. He has been lately... occasionally he asks me, "will anything I do ever be enough?"
And if it's not, I need to let him go...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just started year 2 and I sooo needed to read this today!! I can relate to so much of this.

I keep going day to day (sometimes minute to minute) telling myself that it won't always be this hard...I am so glad to see that it really does get better then this.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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