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Newest Member: 4hazel (45322)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Same old issue. "But I did love you."
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't live in the past, don't worry about the future, live in the present. Maybe it will be helpful to you, too./

I still have to tell myself this several times a week....before I let my thoughts go crazy and consume me. I have spent enough of my life being consumed by this. I'm trying my best to help myself. It works most of the time. I really do have a wonderful, beautiful life and marriage when I can stay in the present.

Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to accept that my FWH believes he loved me during his affair....
I need to validate my FWH's feelings. Just as he needs to validate mine.

Yes, it is important to validate each others feelings but validation doesn't mean agreeing or approving.

Validation is a way of communicating that the relationship is important and solid even when you disagree on issues.

We should validate the genuine feelings of another. The problem is, we are being asked to believe that our once manipulative, lying WH is now telling the truth about his feelings. If you can't believe that what they are saying is "the truth" it is very difficult to validate their feelings.

Agreeing with WH feelings of love, whether genuine or not, is a seperate issue.

We know that we must pay attention to our WS actions not words...
My WH actions during his A did not show me that he loved me.
My WH actions after the A positively proves to me that he loves me.
For me that is what matters now.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 12:09 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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