Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Hopeful96 (45455)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I hate the double standard
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its not going anywhere, i know in my gut its not....but it bothers me that DH's xwife - after 6 1/2 years, sent old pictures of DH's son to him that she had.

She sent a tiny little note "i was never vindictive" and just saying that she though he should have pictures of his son.

Whatever...

But then he found her on facebook, and said thank you - and she responded.

I had to ask about this. He didnt offer it up. I got to thinking about it and it was so out of character for him, but i ask "did you contact her about getting the pictures" and he said yes.

I know that their history is very complicated, but for all of my life his stance is "Ex's are Ex's"


If my XH sent me anything and I said thank you to him, he would accuse me so fast of cheating my head would still be spinning.

I hate this double standard - that I am not allowed to be bothered by actions like this that are CLEARLY double standards here.

Even when the dog XH and I got together had to be put down, i never once contaced XH to thank him for the last few pictures that he sent me through my brother....never once did I try to contact him.

uggg...just goats my hide a bit.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, but I would be on high alert if I were you. There are several members here that I can think of (in recent memory alone) whom have had their WS's have affairs with an EXspouse, some whom even claimed to hate the EX.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would if i could, but he has me locked out of everything. He actively looks for keyloggers now, and its very normal for him to log out of everything just out of habit. Or delete everything out of habit.

To be honest, with this one i am not worried, maybe I should be, but i would be more worried about the close to home girls before her.

She lives in Washington state now, so the phyical part would be pretty hard to impossible to pull off.

I just wish that i was allowed to worry, to wonder what he is up to, to set up bounderies for his female friends like he did in my life.

How do you seperate the cheating factor from just improper bounderies and not being open with your wife?

Why does he feel the need to hide from me?

At some point i know i need to get into his stuff, but I for the life of me can not figure out how.

He is beyond tech smart and looks for the keyloggers now. I can't just plug a little thing in because all we have is a laptop and he would see that.

I have tried to VAR him, but since he saw the one in the van, he looks now.

Its a mess, I can't get the upper hand at all.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wish that i was allowed to worry, to wonder what he is up to, to set up bounderies for his female friends like he did in my life.

You ARE allowed to do this, as long as you are also willing to live with the consequences. So sorry you're dealing with this.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
silentheart
♀ Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely allowed to set boundaries! FB and other social media sites can be gateways into stepping outside boundaries of a committed relationship. It happened to me and when I tried to establish the boundaries he made me feel like I was crazy and said "oh what, now I guess I can't have any friends". All along he was having an A. He played me and when I look back at all the times he said "whatever, once an Ex always an Ex, why would I need to talk to her", or "what I do on FB is harmless, chill out" or "I have to go to the bars after work sometimes for work", "sorry didn't hear my phone", etc etc but these things would not be allowed from me - so yes I too hate the double standard. I also have frustrations with not being able to find out if he is still cheating or having inappropriate relationships/conversations with other girls b/c everything is so private and his answer is "you know I've always been this way, I'm just very private". It is so frustrating.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also hate double standards. I was not allowed to have guy friends at all, and he told me that men only paid attention to my stuff on Facebook because they wanted me. If I went to a bar without him, he flipped out. And yet... He was commenting and liking stuff on Facebook. He went to bars. He claimed it started just as friends. I don't believe any of it now. I think he was so jealous because he knew what he was doing, and knew it was wrong.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Jul 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always been very careful when I am around the opposite sex. I would like to be friends with some of the women Ive met but have always been scared that the women would think I was trying to pick them up or something. I have had strong boundaries for our entire relationship.

Her. Not so much.

I have told her my feelings about that but was rebuffed with comments like *your too jealous*. Basically she reflects my feelings and puts the responsibility on me.

Awhile back she wanted to go to dinner 1 on 1 with a man from work. He was taking another job and she had missed his going away party. That was her reason to go to dinner with him. I objected but offered that if he and his wife and me and WW were to go out it would be fine. She blew up and called me controlling and all the rest of the chauvinist speak.

She didnt go and blamed and resented me for months afterward.

People have different boundaries. Some WS after having a affair alter theirs to be more protective of the M and the feelings of their BS. Some dont.

We cant force our WS to have the same boundaries we do. All we can do is let them know when we are uncomfortable with their actions and hope for the best.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Wh is the exact same way. He can have contact with his ex all he wants and has even expected me to bend over backwards for her. But oh man when it comes to my daughter's father, I better not say more than two words to him when he picks her up.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a little more to the story now...

Apparently she emailed him that she was sending the package, but when his mom called to tell him that it was sent to her house, he acted like he knew nothing of it.

again...I sincerely doubt they are having any kind of affair, but why not just tell me what is up??

not only that, but I tried to find her on facebook - and I can't. I mean, I have tried looking deep. Used her nickname, maiden name, everything. So how did he find her so easily? The adding up part is not happening.

fucking sucks

[This message edited by Undefinabl3 at 7:16 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Undefinabl3,

Please be careful. There are tons of red flags here.

Gently here...

We show people how to treat us...you are getting what you are allowing.

Contacting an ex or having an ex contact you is something that should be discussed among spouses. It should never be hidden. It is much, much easier to fall back into something with someone we have history with...

Sending packages to his mom's? If there was nothing fishy about their contact, why not send it to your house?

His locking you out of everything and not being transparent?

None of this is behavior is R worthy. You have choices. I am sorry you are being treated this way. Hugs to you!!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jun 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending packages to his mom's? If there was nothing fishy about their contact, why not send it to your house?

I honestly believe that its because she doesn't know our address, and his parents have lived in the same house for like 40 years.

I realize this is not R worthy, the problem is that I dont really even know what we are in.

He's up to something, but I have absolutely NO way to know what because every time i try he finds out what i am doing. And I am not allowed to be untrusting of him because its ME that is the fWS....whatever.

The problem is that I dont know what line to draw at this point.

I can not come out of the gate with "do this or leave"...I wouldnt' be willing to follow through with it.

every time we try to talk about it, he gets defensive. Red flags everywhere i know...its horrible that i dont know how to put my foot down without picking it back up.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said that he contacted her about getting the pictures....

If he did that and there was nothing to it, he could have given her his address at the same time. Logically, she would have asked where to send them...

This story does not add up.

I don't care if you are a WS. I am a BS. This type of behavior is NOT acceptable in R, IMHO.

You are together, I am assuming, which means that you both must want to R. In order to R, it takes two people. Has your husband said he wants to R? That is the first question that needs to be asked. If his answer is yes, then his behavior is not acceptable. Transparency needs to go both ways in R. If he says no, then you have your answer. Just because you had an A, does not mean that you can be treated this way....

I am guessing there is some part of you that thinks you deserve this. And you have said that you are not strong enough to take a stand and stick to it. It is good that you know that about yourself. Making false threats is never good.

What are you doing to heal you? What are you doing to make yourself strong? Are you in IC? Work on you. Start doing things you enjoy. Stop worrying about him. He may or may not be cheating. You cannot control him. You can only control you. If you want to stop this treatment, heal yourself so you can get strong to be able to make the stand and to follow through.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jun 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said that he contacted her about getting the pictures....

No, i said that SHE emailed him about sending the pictures.

He did not contact him first. That's probably where the confusion was.

I am guessing there is some part of you that thinks you deserve this. And you have said that you are not strong enough to take a stand and stick to it. It is good that you know that about yourself. Making false threats is never good.

4 years ago, i would totally feel like I deserve this.

I do NOT feel like I deserve this treatment now.

My problem is, how do I go about getting my spine back on without DH getting all bent out of shape.

I am strong enough to make a stand, my problem is that I am not strong enough to leave this marraige and my family.

I have no idea what the middle ground is to get what we need to get done, without making any empty threats.

I need something i can leverage out, but it can't be 'do this or leave' that's just to far, that line i would never stick too.

What are you doing to heal you? What are you doing to make yourself strong? Are you in IC? Work on you. Start doing things you enjoy. Stop worrying about him. He may or may not be cheating. You cannot control him. You can only control you. If you want to stop this treatment, heal yourself so you can get strong to be able to make the stand and to follow through.

I am not in IC, but I have, the past 5 years, read tons of books.

I have created and stuck to new, better, more healthy bounderies. I have learned alot of my 'why's' so that I do not return to any slipper slope.

I have started to read the Relationship Rescue, but I can't get DH on board for any of it.

DH and I have our date night on Wed. I just wish I knew how to get this converstation started and open and not have him shut down on me.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am strong enough to make a stand, my problem is that I am not strong enough to leave this marraige and my family.

This is a contradiction!

2x4 coming....

Gently,

Your husband has shown you that you will have to take a stand in order to have the M you want.

In the past 5 years

(YOU) read tons of books.

I have created and stuck to new, better, more healthy bounderies. I have learned alot of my 'why's' so that I do not return to any slipper slope.

I have started to read the Relationship Rescue

^^This is great. But this has to do with your marriage.

What have you done about you? What have you done to build your self esteem?

And you say this...

I can't get DH on board for any of it.

and this...

I have no idea what the middle ground is to get what WE need to get done, without making any empty threats.

I just wish I knew how to get this converstation started and open and not have him shut down on me.

^^You see there is no middle ground. YOU can't do anything to get what "WE NEED TO GET DONE". You can only do your part. He isn't doing his part. You can either accept it or change you.

I leave you with this quote (from my tagline)...

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor E. Frankl

And I don't mean changing so you are no longer wayward....you have already been working on that a long while.

Hugs!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 10:35 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jun 2012
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

X used to leave money at a relatives house for Christmas and birthdays of son.

I never had any contact with him, but this was spun angrily by H as "taking money from another man".

Whatever dude. The cray cray is strong with you.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What have you done about you? What have you done to build your self esteem?

None, nadda, zilch.

I used to be so sure of myself, so independant. I was fearless and able to take care of anything.

But then my life became my DH's. Where I went, for how long, with whom. I had to remove friends from my life because they were guys. I wasn't allowed out to girls nights or parties, all of my hobbies went out the window because he didnt want me to go where he could not.

I lost touch with who I was, because i wasn't me anymore.

I stopped talking to people because I was afraid of saying something wrong. I stopped calling, emailing, texting - since he was monitoring all of it. It was better to say nothing at all then to risk saying the wrong thing.

I don't get to go out with friends, and when I do join up to do something (ie church things, or Eastern Star) he pulls the guilt trip on me about spending more time on that other stuff then with the family.

All I have ever wanted was for him to support me in the things that I want to do. Get excited for me when i get excited, be nervous with me when I have to learn a new part for Star.

All I get is 'you are never home' (which is not true AT ALL)

I dont know why i still love him - reading this back this sounds like a really shitty way to live.

When we are good though we are SO GOOD. we work together, we talk, we laugh, we grow memories.

i just want to find a hole now...


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


i just want to find a hole now...

Gently, I did not say what I said to make you crawl in a hole. I said it to make you SEE. You do have some control left...TAKE IT!

It is great that you want the M with your husband when things are good. But that is not the M you are describing here right now...

Realize, that if you SEE this situation as it is. That he is not changing and that you have done everything you can. You only have you left to work on. This is a positive if you choose to look at it that way.

Let go of what the outcome will be. You can hope that he will come around. You can still keep your boundaries and still work on being a great reformed WS...

But while you are at it, start working on you! Stop feeling guilty. It appears from what you are describing that there is some control issues in your M. Are you afraid of your husband? If you are or if you are afraid there may be emotional or physical abuse, get yourself some help first. Reach out for help.

If not, start working on you. He will either be with you or without you. I guarantee, though, that no matter which way it ends up, you will be better off, stronger, happier.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jun 2012
rbf1234
♀ Member
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently ...

The controlling behavior you describe is a form of emotional abuse.

Please get help. You are worth it. You don't have to live this way.

SI provides an amazing resource for helping people identify abusive situations and how to handle them. But you may need other help as well.

You need a network of friends and family to support you and you have every right to do that. IC might help if the counselor understand emotional violence.

Sending you support.



Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2013
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you afraid of your husband? If you are or if you are afraid there may be emotional or physical abuse, get yourself some help first. Reach out for help.

No, he's not a violent man. In fact when he get's mad, he pouts like a 5 year old kid.

But i do avoid issues because when he pouts he pulls away from EVERYTHING not just the situation and it annoys the crap out of me.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Then start working on you, undefinabl3! I double dog dare you!

And realize that the pouting is a passive aggressive behavior to control you or the situation. Stop feeding it.

Best!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.