...I get sick.
...I get pregnant and hormonal. When I turn into a mum and I'm not his sexy wife anymore. When I'm exhausted and covered in puke.
There's a Facebook page dedicated to a woman who died of breast cancer, from her husband. He took many beautiful, painful moving photos of her during her battle. He obviously loved her so much. She was diagnosed 5 months after they got married and he was there with her, all the way. 5 months after I got married, my husband was having an affair. I'm not comparing the two. I just thought my husband loved me like that. But he didn't. And I don't know if he ever still will, no matter what he says. I don't trust his love in me anymore. Whatever he does, he'll do it resentfully. He bailed when things got even slightly tough. He'll do it again.
So why am I bothering?
[This message edited by hobbeskat at 4:48 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
1 month EA/PA (no sex) with our best friend 5 months after we got married. She sang at our wedding.
Status: trying R
...I get sick.
I worry about this too. That's why I take good care of myself for ME, just in case
When I was suffering, he went to her, not me. Why should I believe it won't happen again?
Do you have any good friends and family that you lean on?
I'm so sorry you have this illness.
It is ALL about what they want not what they have.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:09 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
Having said that...bare with me.....
Philosophically...maybe the question isn't if they loved their BS enough, maybe it was that they didn't love themselves enough.
Don't throw stones...hear me out.
An A is an escape...right? Sure they are escaping from the M and family they were a part of, had a hand in developing...I get that...but I wonder if they aren't escaping from themselves first and foremost. Maybe that is why some fWS express such shock that they have found themselves in their A to begin with? They escaped from themselves for a bit...and when they find themselves they are like....Holy crap! How did I get here?!?!?
Don't get me wrong....Affairs are the most hurtful acts one person can do to another. God realizes this...thus the only sin where divorce is an option according to the bible. Researchers also document this...trauma a BS experiences from infidelity is among the strongest a person can experience.
So I get that.
But I wonder if a WS lack of love for themselves (or waning of love for themselves) is the stronger emotion at play here? Selfishness does not equal love for oneself. Selfishness is a natural emotion, love for oneself is not a natural emotion...it is developed over time through ones actions and experiences.
IF the M the fWS was a partner in was so painful, hurtful, toxic, abusive....wouldn't a person who loved themselves react in an honorable way before choosing adultery? Such as suggesting counseling, expressing honestly what is troubling them about the M, or simply announce they are going to file for D BEFORE they seek another mate? (this supports the true statement that the WS affair is NOT about the BS).
Perhaps WS lack of love for themselves tells them that they themselves are not lovable...but that thought doesn't sit well with them...so they escape their own thoughts into an A. In an A, an external source is telling them they ARE wonderful. This stimulation combined with the hormones exuded by a body during the first sexual encounters with a new person propel a WS into adultery....with the very real feeling of...AAAAHHHH, so this is what I was missing! See, I knew it wasn't me!!! Even if a BS is telling this to their WS pre-A, it could fall on deaf ears if the WS discounts this attention in much the same way our children discount parents love...kind of, Of Course You Say That...You Have To, You Are Married To Me....sort of way. Or maybe their FOO issues kept them from accepting that they can be loved and the excitement of the forbidden love of an A simply overrides this FOO established bias?
How did I develop this theory? Lots of IC sessions that focused on Does Blakesteele Love Blakesteele? It was an eye opening journey...one that I did not find very flattering to Blakesteele...but made some square pieces fit into round holes at the end of it.
I also have the rare but deep conversations with my Mom who divorced 30 years ago...and is just now starting to really think about her role in my parents M and D. And lots of reading.
I don't profess that this is accurate or real....it is just a thought I have pieced together as I try in vane to make sense of a senseless situation.
If this theory is somewhat correct....the realization fWS go through after their A, the realization that their own choices have so deeply hurt themselves, spouses, children, that it will take even more effort to rebuild that love for themselves....right?
Either way, this is a tough row to hoe. Working towards a healthy marriage is tough regardless of the situation. Adultery sure increases the workload exponentially.
Have thought more then once how much easier building a healthy marriage would be had we not started from such a deficit position.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
For the record, I believe my wife would have stuck by her AP if he lay dying back in October....so not sure that is a real testament to true, mature love. Think that more like the easy, romantic type of love we all experienced in high school and early days of dating our spouses.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:23 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
5 months after I got married, my husband was having an affair.
I share your fear. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
God be with us all.
p.s. I do like your tagline...Mark Twain is among my favorite authors!
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:40 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
I work in a profession that reacts to major storm events when they hit the U.S. Over half of the wives of the men I work with forbid their husbands for going on storm work if it means they work with Tom...and most of the guys I work with don't like Tom either. So there are plenty of good men out there who DONT envy or worship Toms actions. Maybe in high school laying a bunch of different women was cool but, thankfully, the majority of men I work with have grown out of this immature behavior.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:50 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
"Philosophically...maybe the question isn't if they loved their BS enough, maybe it was that they didn't love themselves enough. ..."
For almost a year and a half now I haven't been able to stop myself from reading here and other places, books, etc. so much all in hopes of trying to figure out what happened to my ex to seemingly so suddenly turn off her love for me and give it to someone else, and to never even glance back about it either! I subscribed to the fog theory for awhile but mostly have given up on it now. I really haven't been able to apply my ex's behavior and decisions to any one theory, type of A, or even some kind of mental disorder...and that's been driving me crazy because I like to understand things....and this....well, there's just been no wrapping my head around it....until now, maybe....thanks to you Blakesteele!!!
What you described fits the ex to the letter! She's never been one for expressing emotions or feelings or what have you...and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I ever even seen her cry....but on DDay when we were having what turned out to be our last, and rare nonetheless too, open and honest discussion about our feelings....and trust me...this was pretty heated too...she suddenly started to cry and blurted out to me something to the effect that 'I hate myself, I've hated myself for a long time...and I don't know how to fix that. I need to learn how to love myself!'!
That stopped me dead in my tracks right there. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. I never knew my then wife ever felt that way about herself and always thought she was a happy person, and because everyone else seemed to love her it never even crossed my mind that she wouldn't love herself too. And she's never been an introspective person either so that blew me away too...and has always stuck with me since she said that. I've always wondered if the A and everything since then has to do with that declaration.
Reading your theory has for the first time somewhat illuminated what my ex has been going through and possibly explains why she's doing everything that seems so out of character for her. I don't know why but it gives me comfort to finally feel like I can have some kind of understanding. It's to late for us, to much damage has been done....but if someday her and I are ever on speaking terms or even somewhat friendly again and all of this comes us I may bring this up to her along with recommendations for IC. Despite everything she's done to me, some of it very cruel, she is the mother of my children and I don't want to see her live a miserable life for the rest of her days bouncing from R to R all while continuing to "hate herself".
Sorry for the long post and the t/j Hobbeskat. I just really wanted to let Blakesteele know how profound his theory is to me and how appreciative I am to the both of you for this thread. Thank you