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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: wtf? This is what I mean Re: being young and divorced
Confused1829
♀ Member
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something my friends and even strangers don't understand - I HATE online dating forums that make you state whether you are never married or divorced. At my age, being 31, I feel like that 'filters me out' naturally by people and they think I have baggage issues, etc. without ever knowing what the REAL story is.

I mean, I would be hesitant too being so young and divorced already, but I just want the chance to explain my situation first before being labeled. I'm just being real.

Case in point, check out this AWESOME message from someone on OLD:

Seem fun, outgoing, hot in a pink dress, Florida girl for a bit (I was a Florida guy), but divorced?! Ugh...I guess you took the Florida girl requirement a little too seriously! :)

Thanks for the wink,

I mean - can I be annoyed here??? I dont even know how to respond but I'm a bit offended - and this goes back to my insecurity regarding being divorced at my age and that no one that I'm looking for really 'gets it'.

Thoughts?


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So message him back:

No, I took the monogamy thing too seriously and when I found out my husband cheated on me I divorced him. But thanks for being a judgey asshole. I take back my wink.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:05 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3045 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously...my slightly bitchy side would come out.

I would respond, "I know!! I can't believe I'm divorced either...I just always believed marriage should be between two people. His girlfriend kept getting in the way. Thanks for the message, good luck!"

I'd totally just play it off slightly bitchy, but make a point. But, that is just me.

People are going to be stupid. If I have to hear, "How did you NOT KNOW that your H was gay??" one more time...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4107 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twitchy fingers...

[This message edited by cmego at 9:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4107 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Confused1829
♀ Member
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean, seriously?? Am I being too sensitive or was he trying to be funny? He THEN sent me a wink?!


I was thinking of sending this:

Thanks - I'm not sure if you were trying to be funny?? If you must know, I didn't enter into marriage lightly nor did I leave abruptly - I left because he was cheating. It was a long time ago and it was tough, but I am a much better person today as a result. I could've easily hidden my 'status' but I wanted to be honest.

Just thought that rendered a reply.



Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may have been kinda joking...hard to tell. But, I would play back as a joke and see what happens.

More of the "Yeah...just couldn't handle his girlfriend!" and see what happens. You can get into the "I took my vows seriously" later.

Although cayc has a great comeback too


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4107 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
waiting2see
♀ Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF? I would have been offended too.

Did he think he was funny? Then maybe he has a mean sense of humor. Then he winks? First he is a dick and then he flirts.

He is a fucked-up, mean-spirited asshole.

I think your reply is gracious and thoughtful but likely to be lost on this cad. That isn't to say you shouldn't send it.

Hugs. I just had to respond bc it was such a dick-move on his part and I don't want you to let an asshole like that weigh on your mind or your opinion of yourself for one second.


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1930 | Registered: Feb 2007
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why even respond? He is a stranger either with a weird sense of humor or who is being an idiot. Delete, block, whatever it takes.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. I was divorced at 27, and hopped online shortly after. Here's the thing that I've come to realize after a few years of experience with it - it's as big a deal as we make of it. Seriously. OLD is a little bit more complicated, because when you're online, everyone is looking for reasons to narrow their field. Seriously, how many items are there to tick off anyone's list just to say, "not that one" .... A lot.

In real life though, I don't even bother telling people why I'm divorced. It only comes up when I mention something about my ex husband in passing, and no one has so much as blinked an eye. A small handful of people later asked why, and were totally understanding when I roll my eyes and say, "oh, you know, he cheated" and that's the end of it.

I have dated guys who I met online and in real life, and they all knew I was divorced. It was only a big deal in dating when I still made a big deal of it at the beginning.

I know that it sounds much easier said than done, but seriously, people will mirror your attitude. If it's not a big deal to you, it won't be to anyone else. If you make it an elephant in the room though, everyone will respect that and follow along with it.

Your life experiences, even this shitty ones, are shaping you into who you are. There's no shame in putting divorced on your dating profile - wouldn't you rather weed out those who aren't willing to find out why or what happened before you waste your time emailing them?

I talked about it on my profile while I was doing the online thing; I think I had it worded something like, "for the record I did get married young, which didn't work out. Feel free to ask about it if you are curious." And then had a standard 1 sentence response that I used when guys did ask (maybe 50% of the real messages I got did). Not a single guy who asked ended conversation after hearing why I was divorced.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13654 | Registered: Jul 2011
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'd do a tongue in cheek reply too. Remember some people are stupid and his stupidity has NOTHING to do with you.

(On my good days, I look at these kinds of things as nature's way of eliminating unsuitable people from my dating pool :)


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3069 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Confused1829
♀ Member
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all - I ended up responding:

"Ha, yea I guess so! I just couldn't get along with his girlfriend, my bad!"

And left it at that. We'll see if he responds, either way I don't care, I just felt like I had/wanted to say something.

Amazonia - I'm with you. In real life, I'm pretty open about it but it's not a huge deal and I've never run into an issue with anyone not wanting to see me anymore because I'm divorced, etc. But online, it's just so THERE already. I like what you did though of addressing it and inviting people to ask questions on it if they wanted to.

But it just speaks to the point I made earlier. The message from this dick (or maybe awkward person) and then from a man 20+ years older than me stating that 'we have a lot in common, I too am divorced' um, maybe but you're still old enough to be my Dad! HELLO MIDDLE GROUND? Where ARE you?!?

SIGH

I am ONE bad male encounter away from becoming celibate.


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ride it out - and I personally LOVE cayc's response - there are many good guys out there, you will get past the riff raff.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4442 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At my age, being 31, I feel like that 'filters me out' naturally by people
That actually gets you through some filters as well. I am 37 and I filter out people for the other reason. If I meet a woman that's my age and never been married or never been in a long term relationship then I start wondering what kind of baggage SHE is carrying around. Just pointing out that it goes both ways. Everyone has baggage, usually those of us (married or never married) that have worked through some of it realize everyone has something going on. The clueless ones send comments like your online "buddy".

You have to weed through the uninformed and the idiots to meet the decent people. Don't let the bad ones turn you off.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:00 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1884 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really hard age to be, sometimes. It's a red flag if you're in your early 30s and divorced, based on your post, but I also feel like it's a red flag if you've never been married, either. I'm 32 and feel like people think there is something wrong with my for never having been married.

Sometimes you just can't win.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2211 | Registered: Feb 2010
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much like with a guy who is unabashedly cheating, there is a silver lining to the blatantly judgmental; you needn't waste anytime figuring out that you are incompatible.

Posts: 3325 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am ONE bad male encounter away from becoming celibate.

Change the last words from "celibate" to "a lesbian" or "deranged catlady" and you have me!

I like cayc's response!!!

So message him back:
No, I took the monogamy thing too seriously and when I found out my husband cheated on me I divorced him. But thanks for being a judgey asshole. I take back my wink.


JERK!

That actually gets you through some filters as well. I am 37 and I filter out people for the other reason. If I meet a woman that's my age and never been married or never been in a long term relationship then I start wondering what kind of baggage SHE is carrying around.

I agree with 7yearsflushed (mine is 8 btw! ) If I meet a guy that is my age (I'm 34 and got divorced when I was 31) and he has never been married or has any kids....I wonder WHY and wonder what baggage he has as well.... usually if a guy is almost 40 a red flag goes up for me if he hasn't been married. Its usually a perfectly rational reason (like med school or something) but there are lots of ASSES in the world too... who have never gotten married because no one has been able to stand them long enough or everyone was smart enough to run for the hills... Then, there are people like my XWH and sperm donor who have been married 2+ times who are your "serial marriers" who don't really take marriage seriously... not to say that there aren't people who have been married 2, 3, + times who haven't had bad luck...but IF XWH marries MOW...it will be his 3rd marriage (his real dad was married 4 times)...and if sperm donor gets married again...his 3rd. (he proposed to me but I would rather jump off a cliff). So, you have people on both sides of the spectrum that will toss out red flags. Just gotta weed weed weed for that needle in the haystack..... and try not to get poked in the process!

Its good to do your homework though!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 2:07 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2716 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I took the monogamy thing too seriously and when I found out my husband cheated on me I divorced him. But thanks for being a judgey asshole. I take back my wink.

Sorry, but I LOVE this response


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3281 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was 26 when I got my D. The thing I ran into was dates wanting to know the whole horrid story because being a divorcee under 30 is such an oddity.

Don't bother sending the guy a response. He did you a favor by showing you what an ass he is BEFORE you got involved with him.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like your divorce status just weeded out an asshole.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 19

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