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Newest Member: lovingmyson21 (45342)

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User Topic: XH's body found
cass
♀ Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((truth))))


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4965 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((truth))

Your post was beautifully written and I empathize more than I'd like. I think this is where I'll be. My XWH is as scary as they come, like it sounds your XWH was. In our case, its not drugs, though you can call psychopathy a mental illness.

I know he's not going to bother to set up the elaborate front again with anyone else - he's become too set in what's comfortable to him to try for "human" anymore - much like a drug addict immersing themselves beyond any sense of being "normal."

He won't have anyone at the end. He's burned too many bridges after I outed him. The kids and I have talked about how likely it is that we'll have to take care of funeral arrangements for him when it gets to that.

I've been in that locked room with the kids protected behind me. I understand completely.

I'm so sorry you're still "connected" to him at the end. I'm so sorry you and your babies have to trudge through the mental/emotional miasma of him forcing himself into your lives in a different, if equally destructive way.

Forgive me for sounding harsh, but yeah, I wouldn't feel too badly for him either after seeing one of my children shed one more tear about him.

Remember, those two months? He chose that. It didn't have to be that way. It's okay to be angry about that. It's HEALTHY to be angry about that.

All the commiserating/raging/horrified/frustrated sympathies.

Wishing you real freedom. For good.

[This message edited by Reality at 6:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((truth))

Prayers to you and your boys!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. Its just such a comfort to have you guys... I feel like you are some of the few people in my life that have known these aspects of me/my life. This whole thing is something that I never - NEVER - talked about IRL. I knew people were already talking.

So many layers to this but I think im afraid of the compassion most of all, you know? Suiting up and game face is always how ive handled it.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ironically, burial arrangements will fall to the boys since they are next of kin. I'm even pissed that they have to deal with that on ANY level.

Wow, it totally s*cks that your kids are getting dragged into this, I'm so sorry.

Huge hugs, truth. You're definitely in uncharted waters but you will persevere. You and your sons will be in my thoughts.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3891 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((tsmf))))

sending you peace and comfort and patience and strength.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Truth and sons))))


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you and your boys.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2242 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burial arrangements fell to me and my sister as next of kin too. It was difficult. Flying from VA to ID, meeting with the coroner, setting up his funeral through the VA, closing accounts, dealing with bills, etc.

Go with them if you can, be there for them. It will be one of the hardest things ever.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((truthsetmefree)))

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry. Your children are extrememly lucky that you are their mother just as lucky as you are to have them in you life. Hold each other closely. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
movingforward777
♀ Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((truth)) You are a strong and loving mother who has been through far too much in life....your boys are lucky to have you as their Mum....
I would suggest a simple cremation and then later when the boys are ready you could do a scattering of the ashes and they can speak their minds at that point.
Suggest they sit and write a letter to their father and get it all out that way.
Counselling might be a good option too....having someone impartial to talk to and express how they feel in a safe, confidential manner...
How sad for your family to have something like this come into your lives....I pray that you all find peace of mind and are able to put the difficult memories to rest....HUGS
PS As for the wonderful man that has been a "Dad" to them all these years I am sure he will understand that even though the man was not a part of their lives there is bound to still be some feelings there on your son's part. I'm sure they have fostered hopes that at some point their "father" will recover and come back into their lives in a kind and loving way, even if they realized that it was not a possibility as they got older...

[This message edited by movingforward777 at 2:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4845 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so f*cked up...

I got the phone call from the chaplain on Monday. He also gave me numbers for the detective and the medical examiner.

Calls to the detective have gone unreturned.

His sister calls the ME today and is told that the dont have a "XH"...and that the discovered body has not been identified yet.

WTH????

WTFH????????


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive been doing pretty well...just working through it as it comes.

But this makes me feel like im starting to crack.... A slow crack that spreads wider and wider the longer it runs.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came in just to see how you are holding up. Wish I lived closer so we could grab a drink, sit on your patio and let you cry until you were ready to laugh again.

This sucks. No way around it. You will plow through this and survive it. Pray about everything, worry about nothing. That verse keeps popping up for me and I am sharing it with you.

Huge huge huge hugs friend.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Pent...could use both you and that drink. You always end up making me laugh. Love you my friend.

Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love you too. Get some sleep and we will talk tomorrow.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Truth))))))))). (((((((((((Boys)))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5264 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 58
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