Hi scuba chick. I hope you see from the responses to your post that you are not alone and that we can relate to how you are feeling/ have been there too. There are so many of us here whose FOO or childhood trauma add to the pain of the betrayal of (yet another) loved one. It is brutal. It feels like you have fallen down a time hole and you're back where you started, all the fear and self-esteem issues you thought you' overcome come flooding back.
Your post and the ones that follow have brought me to tears, for the little girl inside you and me, the little boy inside blakesteel and others. If I could put my arms around them all and tell them it would be all right, that we will come through all this, I would.
And I believe we will. We are not alone. You are not alone. I have good days and bad days. Like you sometimes I think I am getting worse. I lie in bed shaking and I think the sky will fall in, or it already has. But on a good day I see new beginnings. I feel free to be me for the first time. I don't think I have to please anyone, I feel like it is ok to put me first - I mean, he did, so what do I owe him really? A chance to put things right, to prove himself?
And in a crazy way, if my IC is to be believed, this is actually a chance to address the things that happened in our childhood, in our lives that followed, to make some sense and make some changes in ourselves. To work out why we feel so alone, so vulnerable, why it is so easy to send us right back there and what we can do about it. Work out after that whether we really want our WS or if they are up to making the changes in themselves.
I hate that my WH had an A, I hate that my Dad was a mentally abusive b******, but that is my past, it will probably always inform my future, but I won't let it destroy me. I have four small children, the rest of my life ahead of me and I want to make it better for me and for them, not to repeat the sh** patterns of the past. My husband was a fool but the end result might still be good. I really believe that. BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34
D-Day 19 April 2012