Any chance you can or do have a real life girl friend to visit with?

I don't think I was blaming my childhood at all. I'm just trying to explore the possibility that this could be causing problems for me and I not even realize it. Because if it is, it's my responsibility to fix it. I've always felt grateful for the one thing I did learn from my parents. I learned the type of parent I didn't want to be. I wouldn't change anything about my childhood, even if I could. It's made me who I am.

Your post and the ones that follow have brought me to tears, for the little girl inside you and me, the little boy inside blakesteel and others. If I could put my arms around them all and tell them it would be all right, that we will come through all this, I would.

And I believe we will. We are not alone. You are not alone. I have good days and bad days. Like you sometimes I think I am getting worse. I lie in bed shaking and I think the sky will fall in, or it already has. But on a good day I see new beginnings. I feel free to be me for the first time. I don't think I have to please anyone, I feel like it is ok to put me first - I mean, he did, so what do I owe him really? A chance to put things right, to prove himself?

And in a crazy way, if my IC is to be believed, this is actually a chance to address the things that happened in our childhood, in our lives that followed, to make some sense and make some changes in ourselves. To work out why we feel so alone, so vulnerable, why it is so easy to send us right back there and what we can do about it. Work out after that whether we really want our WS or if they are up to making the changes in themselves.

I hate that my WH had an A, I hate that my Dad was a mentally abusive b******, but that is my past, it will probably always inform my future, but I won't let it destroy me. I have four small children, the rest of my life ahead of me and I want to make it better for me and for them, not to repeat the sh** patterns of the past. My husband was a fool but the end result might still be good. I really believe that.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. It's comforting to know that someone truly understands the way I feel. Some days I feel empowered by my past because I know I have survived so much worse and unlike back then, I am in control of my life and future. I don't know how I go from one extreme to the other. I get mad at myself for allowing this to break me. The last two days have been much better for me. I'm in a better place but I know I still have a ways to go because I can cry just by talking about it. I really appreciate the support and advice from everyone!! Thank you!!