Well, that was 10 weeks ago. Since then, heís been back on the dating site (since 2 weeks post-breakup). At first, I was in denial mode and I tried calling him 4 times but he never returned my calls. Then I moved into Anger/Guilt/Bargaining. Now Iím firmly set in the Depression stage of grief. Ten weeks now, and he hasnít tried contacting me, once. I have a handful of things at his place, but Iíve given up hope of seeing them again.
What my issue right now isÖI donít want reconciliation. I know heís a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I get that part. Where Iím stuck, and Iím really stuck is that I never got an apology from him. Or an admission of guilt. Or empathy. Or remorse. And I keep obsessing over this what-if fantasy that he will apologize for hurting me, if only I call him (I sit on my hands to prevent dialing). Or if I run into him at our old haunts (and I keep myself from driving there). And I Ėknow- he wonít apologize because that will take some self-awareness and compassion on his part (and miracles arenít going to happen). But ugh! I canít seem to get past this ruminating thought! Itís like a record that keeps skipping (for those that remember record players). And itís driving me nuts! Will this ever end? Itís killing me.
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
I donít want reconciliation. I know heís a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It sounds like your mind is saying one thing and your heart another if you are need this apology. I think that you will find that spending some time to heal your heart will make this need for an apology go away. It's been 8 years now since I first discovered my wife cheating. I never got an apology and we've been divorced for over 5 years now. There came a point were an apology wouldn't have mattered. Nothing could be repaired from it.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; theyíll scratch you up time and time again but in the end youíre polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them-Vicky Baum