Well, that was 10 weeks ago. Since then, heís been back on the dating site (since 2 weeks post-breakup). At first, I was in denial mode and I tried calling him 4 times but he never returned my calls. Then I moved into Anger/Guilt/Bargaining. Now Iím firmly set in the Depression stage of grief. Ten weeks now, and he hasnít tried contacting me, once. I have a handful of things at his place, but Iíve given up hope of seeing them again.
What my issue right now isÖI donít want reconciliation. I know heís a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I get that part. Where Iím stuck, and Iím really stuck is that I never got an apology from him. Or an admission of guilt. Or empathy. Or remorse. And I keep obsessing over this what-if fantasy that he will apologize for hurting me, if only I call him (I sit on my hands to prevent dialing). Or if I run into him at our old haunts (and I keep myself from driving there). And I Ėknow- he wonít apologize because that will take some self-awareness and compassion on his part (and miracles arenít going to happen). But ugh! I canít seem to get past this ruminating thought! Itís like a record that keeps skipping (for those that remember record players). And itís driving me nuts! Will this ever end? Itís killing me.
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
I donít want reconciliation. I know heís a cheater, not nice, not faithful, not the quality man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It sounds like your mind is saying one thing and your heart another if you are need this apology. I think that you will find that spending some time to heal your heart will make this need for an apology go away. It's been 8 years now since I first discovered my wife cheating. I never got an apology and we've been divorced for over 5 years now. There came a point were an apology wouldn't have mattered. Nothing could be repaired from it.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; theyíll scratch you up time and time again but in the end youíre polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.