What I have learned thru all this over the years, is that in the first two years of it all, I was looking for someone magic to fix my marriage and my spouse, I was so desperate and when it didn't work I was even more fustrated and upset. Then it started to dawn on me, no one can fix this but us. And if one of us is not willing to look at the whole picture and dig deep into the roots, listen and communicate, show love, respect, encouragement, affection, remorse, ect, it will never work.
For the ones that worked in R, they had the tools within themselves to give to one another for real R. They went and talked to MC or IC and really wanted to fixed themselves.
No one can do that by themselves. If you change and end up leaving the spouse behind that doesn't want to change and that is Never a bad thing, it means you outgrew them and you are way ahead of them. I am saying they can not caught up but I am saying that they need to change also.
I learned alot and GREW alot for myself to be a better person, woman, mother, and wife if we get back together , taught me what I will and will not put up with anymore. Sure my feelings still get hurt but I love me again.