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User Topic: Return to the Cheating Location
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I cheated on my wife it was when I was on a business trip. We have been contemplating going back to that location together. She feels like this is something she needs to do but she is not really sure if it will help or hurt her. My therapist has told me about another couple who did this and said that it was helpful for that BS. I am wondering if anyone else has done this and if so did it have a positive or negative effect?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Jan 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously this is my experience...so here goes...

I have tried the "reclaim" theory. At first it helped some, but as time has gone by, the pain is still there. We even tried staying at the same hotel once. It was something I wanted. I do not really think it helped me in the long run. If your wife wants it, she should get it. I think it was really more about my H's reaction to the places and his willingness to be truthful about things rather than actual places.

Your willingness to give her what she needs is more important than individual places to visit. It is about your participation in her healing and your emotional support as she searches for her life back.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1405 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here-

We did return to one of the places WH and AP met during the A. It was both a city and a hotel that had significance for us so I felt like I needed to reclaim it as ours. It was a little more than a month from Dday - probably too early and there were some seriously rough spots, but I have no regrets.

If your BW really wants to do this, please be sure everything about the trip is different for your A visit. Different hotel, restaurants, everything. There will be ghosts, be prepared for it.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is different for every BS. Some BS find it very triggering, and harmful to healing. Some find it empowering- reclaiming space kind of feeling- and find it very helpful.

A few questions:

-How far away from D-day are you? I think that the further away you are from d-day the more likely the trip will be more helpful to your BS. If D-day was last week...maybe wait?

-When you say that "we have been contemplating"...who brought up the idea of returning to the location? Was this your idea because of what your therapist said, or was it her idea before the suggestion?

-What are your BS's reasons for wanting to go to that location with you?

Regardless of what you choose- respect your BS, and support her through this journey.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure of a clear answer. I have to revisit places myself. OW was H coworker. THere are several places that trigger me, as affair places. I cannot and will not go to his office. ANd the second big one, is the city they traveled to in secret. We have stayed in the same hotel, as its work related, and the company uses it. she lives there now, and works very close, and lives very close. We have gone several times, I am not as upset anymore, I used to spend every second, and I mean every second reliving what they must have done. It was hard to see the physical walls, carpet, restaurant etc. ...I am better, but its still difficult. Seeing it in person, didnt help me. I felt like an FBI profiler. I could imagine it so clearly. Too much information. Imagining it is one thing, to see the building, rooms, beds. Was too real. THe hate is enormous. We could also bump into her anywhere at anytime. It will never be ok for me to visit there. IT will never be pleasant.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your BW really wants to do this, please be sure everything about the trip is different for your A visit. Different hotel, restaurants, everything.

Actually, she feels that the return trip would be worthless if we can't get the same hotel room (I didn't cheat on her in that room) that I stayed in and try to visit the same bars I went to.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Jan 2013
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she thinks it will help, try it. Be supportive. If she changes her mind, be supportive.

My H took his MCOW to my art room / study when she showed up at our house (long story) -- my special place, that he had renoveated for me as a gift. I couldn't go in there for a long time. Then I got pissed, decided to reclaim it, sprayed it with my perfume, and had a sit down with my best girlfriends. I felt a lot better after that -- it gave me a feeling of power and control.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started going back to the store WH and his EAP worked in. Didn't help, didn't hurt. Not the same as a trip though.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-How far away from D-day are you? I think that the further away you are from d-day the more likely the trip will be more helpful to your BS. If D-day was last week...maybe wait?
It has been 2 years.

-When you say that "we have been contemplating"...who brought up the idea of returning to the location? Was this your idea because of what your therapist said, or was it her idea before the suggestion?
Most recently it was my BS who brought it up.

-What are your BS's reasons for wanting to go to that location with you?
She can't stand that I was at this place with another girl. But she is also concerned that after visiting she will now feel the same as the other girl.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Jan 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your BW wants this you should do it. Period.

BUT. It may help or it may hurt.

I wanted to stay in the motels with WW that she used with OM. We stayed in 1 of them. I triggered badly and it did not help me at all. It probably set us back a bit. Its like hearing the story which is bad enough. Then getting faced with the reality.

We all know the jews were slaughtered in the last great war. Its another to visit the camps and see the pictures.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3381 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll only know when you get there.

If this is something your BS wants to try, I absolutely encourage it.

"Reclaiming" things from the A can be a very positive thing.

I still can't really go back to ground zero myself, but I've reclaimed a few other things and it was very helpful.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16477 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A Great Question...

My wife's affair was brief, but started at a work conference at a small golf resort a few hours away. When I was in that area for work, I went and visited the place. I sat and had dinner in the lodge, and walked around the whole place....Knew that I was walking right past the hotel room where they had been.

For me it was very helpful. When she referred to the place in our discussions, I knew exactly what she was talking about. It helped put her retelling of the evening in perspective. In a way, yeah, I felt like I had reclaimed some of their secrecy.

BUT, I don't think I could have done it with her. It was something I did on my own, and only told her about it later. Also, it was the only place where she had been with the guy. If it had been a longer affair, with more locations, I'm not sure it would have been as helpful.

[This message edited by WhiteCarrera at 7:23 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally as a bs would not want to but if yours does, I would say do it. I would be constantly wondering if my ws was reminiscing but he's not where you are in R....not even close.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4742 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H cheated on me in 2010 (ONS) in a city other than the one we live in, and then had another ONS in a different city last October (2012) when we were separated/planning to divorce (he extracted his head from his ass shortly after). When I was talking to my IC about it, which was maybe in January, he encouraged me to take a family trip with my H and daughter to the 2010 city (it's a popular touristy place) and "reclaim" it. I'm open to that idea but we haven't done it. He said it was way too early to do that with the 2012 location and I agree. I can just now - a year later - hear the name of the place without getting upset.

Just wanted to add that my IC was wonderful so if he thinks it's a good idea, I tend to stand behind that.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:22 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6568 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I insisted on it and like Lovedyoumore said, it helped at first. I felt so much better for about 2 weeks and then it wore off and pain came back. I clearly expressed that I wanted him to ASK me after work at 3am on a Friday or Sunday if I would like to go to the casino and play blackjack with him. The first time he actually said why, we can go anytime. We don't have to wait until 3am. I wouldn't talk to him for the rest of the night. I tried being direct. I tried dropping hints. I didn't want to force it because I wanted him to want to take me just like he did with her. We go to the casino all the time and he's never once asked me to play blackjack with him in 18 years!! He usually can't get away from me fast enough when we go. You know where he would take me on those nights?? Steak-N-Shake!!! Yep, Ow gets Hard Rock, $1000 to play, 4 hours sitting next to him, drinking cocktails and me, his wife of 18 years get a steak burger and 30 min at Steak-nShake. I finally had to start crying and say please ask me to go. What a jerk! Now Steak 'n Shake is a trigger now too!!!

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I requested this during the four month TT, not realizing I was being trickle truthed at all. I was completely at peace. Didn't dwell on it at all.

Then I found out that he took me to the wrong house, driving us around in a neighborhood right next door to the neighborhood where used to live the only man in my life that had actually been genuine to me; he knew that because I told him as we drove around in that "fake" neighborhood.

Then, after much arguing and fighting he FINALLY took me to the correct house, and after that night I lost it. Not because of the location, even though that was part of it, it was the depth and level he went to to lie about where it happened.

So, if you want to see the place, make sure its the right place. Get the address yourself, google map it and look at the street view yourself so you KNOW you're not being lied to.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for answering and giving a more clear picture.

Based on your answers, I would respect her wishes and try to go with her. Some people need to be THERE and see it themselves for everything to connect and to process.

Maybe come up with a plan for the worst case scenario (ask her how you can best support her if she starts to trigger, gets angry/upset, changes her mind, etc...).


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H carried on a five year LTA in another country ...I'd never been to any of the places they had been but over time have gone to most of them. We stayed in the same hotel, went to the same restaurants and hung out at the same clubs.

I hated the idea H had memories in these places with another woman....he is my husband and now we have memories there ...our memories, not theirs. Some call it marking our territory and I guess that may be what I needed to do. I met people who knew H and the OW and had no idea H was married ....and I'm glad I did it and I'm glad they know I exist.

For me it worked.....yes there were triggers, but H handled them as did I....and now when we go, it's an adventure for us. We visit some of the old places that he used to visit with her, but also have our own favorite places to go now.

Your BS needs to figure out what she wants/needs to heal and then do it....we are all different and what works for some may not work for others. Just keep listening and trying.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1644 | Registered: Mar 2010
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to do this 4-6 times a year. Stay at the same hotel where they played house 4 weeks a year. (Its the nicest one by far anyplace near). And, our son lives there.

So, we stay in a large suite that they never were in. It's ours, only ours. Yes, sometimes I trigger, probably most of the time at least once, sometimes more depending on the date. But I flat out refuse to go anyplace lessor, and he's happy to do it. He holds me, rocks me, talks me through it, no matter how sad or irate I may trigger.
It is clear that I'm the Mrs. We are very much in love, And we are so happy to reclaim it together.

The moral of this story is, we all react differently, sometimes very surprising to ourselves, so go slow, trust her, and Be Present, to comfort her or take the brunt of her wrath if that's what comes out. Above all, recognize the amount of pure courage this takes for her to do this. Tell her.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Then I found out that he took me to the wrong house, driving us around in a neighborhood right next door to the neighborhood where used to live the only man in my life that had actually been genuine to me; he knew that because I told him as we drove around in that "fake" neighborhood.

Oh man...that's so wrong!!!

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
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