I sincerely wish my realizations came at a smaller cost.
Not ever going to be happy this all went down, but I now realize that if this A hadn't happened and I had never caught him, he would never have gotten the help he needed to address problems he's had his whole life and never resolved. We're talking some DEEP emotional wounds. Shut down emotionally, selfish and addicted to porn is no way to go through life!!!
Plus never really having a deep relationship between us to begin with (my SAWH is very much a "surface level" person - never has been emotionally deep) and terrible communication skills and me just putting up with it because that is how I grew up. In my H's case it is a SA thing...he hit rock bottom when he got caught and was faced with losing his family and everything he'd worked his whole life to attain.
I'm not sure where we are heading in terms of R...just seems like we make progress and then there are setbacks. But I feel 100% better than I did a year ago and it has zero to do with R. At least I know I am not crazy...that's progress!
[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:33 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
The A was his first wake-up call, and his realization of what his porn addiction was doing to him (turning him into a liar, missing out on his family so he could look at porn, and morally bankrupting him) was his second wake-up call.
He still has a very thick layer over his feelings and memories associated with feelings. At least now there is a crack in his veneer and for the first time he is examining some things about himself and his upbringing.
It did also wake me up. I was settling for way too little. I was too understanding and accepting of poor treatment. I did try to reach him over the years, letters, tears, counseling, it never worked. He was so removed emotionally from me and himself, we didn't have a chance.
We do have a chance now. H is in IC, we are in MC, h is beginning to open up. I hope that he can sustain it.
For me, I can never go back to the way our life was before. I keep thinking now that I know what life can be, what I deserve, I can never unknow it, never be satisfied with crumbs.
It shocks me to now see how little I thought I deserved. I just never knew there was more, I never saw it.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
The A was a bit of distraction for him but when it ended wasn't when the fog lifted. It was when he received the reason WHY I was D him from the lawyers. It included additional stuff to his A and that's when reality hit him.
That was the point he realised that D or S or R he had to get help.
He immediately begged for forgiveness and then begged an IC to start work with him immediately!
It wasn't the A that woke him up. I think it was the great IC he saw who unlocked all the crap in his life that had allowed him to go on to have the A.
BUT- I do think that the catalyst was my D him that led him to realise just how big of an asswipe he had become
This guy used to hide everything including his emotions.
Now? He is so open I can read him like a book. I don't wish his A had happened and I wish we could have got here some other way but I wouldn't trade the H I have now with the asswipe I met and M
I think rock bottom was when *I* realized how narcissistic WS was acting. It was ground breaking for me. I was literally overjoyed. I was laughing like a loony and almost skipping around. He, naturally, was so upset that I could possibly think there was anything wrong with HIM. He whined, wallowed and wept for a couple days, but I stuck to my guns (literally laughing in his face at times). It was liberating for me. That is the moment I can pinpoint where he finally pulled his head out, started owning it and we started real R.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 9:35 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
As a read and reread your posts, I felt lighter and happier. To see how many have similar stories helps me realizes that no matter what I said or how many tears I cried or how many conversations I started or how many different work schedule strategies I suggested so he could spend more time with use, it was never going to "click" until he hit bottom.
Again, I just wish there had been a better way...hmm, maybe we can invent something.
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.