While I love this site and found it helpful to read the posts from people who had just discovered the infidelity (so that I knew my emotional roller coaster was normal), I also found it counter-productive. It may just be my personality, but reading other people's tragic stories served as a trigger, and would feed my obsessive thoughts. Instead of searching the internet on causes of infidelity, which only led to more feelings of inadequacy, I started to search for forgiving infidelity. In so doing I found several sites which helped me. The first was an article on health.usnews.com titled Infidelity: Can couples move past it? On the second page spring talks about the betrayer redrawing boundaries around himself to eject the mistress from their inner circle. Although this is probably not what she was referring to, I asked my husband last night to tell me a secret about the other woman, which he did. I can't tell you how much this helped me. Whereas before, I felt like the two of them shared so many secrets from me, now I knew one about her. I started to feel, no matter how miniscule, a shift in the balance of power. Instead of asking my husband all of the details of the affair which only serve as triggers and are replayed in my mind, I finally felt like I had asked something which elevated my mood. I don't know if this will work for anyone else, but you never know, because it worked for me.
I read one other article which I found immensely useful. Although many articles tell the betrayed spouse it is not their fault, in the same paragraph they also list marital problems as a contributing factor. But this was the first article I read that stated that both spouses were not getting what they needed emotionally from the marriage, but that often the wayward spouse was the one with the opportunity. That statement really hit home. Although I keep telling my husband there were many times in our marriage that I have not been happy and yet I didn't cheat, I can honestly say that I did have much less opportunity. If the circumstances were reversed, maybe I would have been capable of the same. That article really went a long way in my empathizing with him. (I have to find the name of that article, since it may help others as well.)
Me BS 41
Him WS 46
2 children ages 8 & 6
married 11 years
Reading your post, I'm immediately taken back to those feelings.
I'm glad you felt like posting today, hopeful2013.
Welcome - officially.
For me knowing secrets about the OW would not help me feel anymore secure in my marriage. I am at a point that I don't care about the OW or her secrets. It may have helped right after DDay, but now I don't think it would. I also had a lot more opportunities than my WH#2 to have an affair. I think that is part of what made him so insecure that he sought out the A himself. My career at the time was skyrocketing and his was going nowhere. I know that he liked and encouraged me to travel so that he could have the OW live in our home while I was working out of state. His OW was an old GF that he knew before we met and married, so he didn't have to go far to find her. This was his take on opportunity I suppose. When the cat was away the mouse could play and he thought he was too smart to ever get caught. He didn't count on the other mouse spilling the cheese to the cat.
Although I keep telling my husband there were many times in our marriage that I have not been happy and yet I didn't cheat, I can honestly say that I did have much less opportunity. If the circumstances were reversed, maybe I would have been capable of the same. That article really went a long way in my empathizing with him. (I have to find the name of that article, since it may help others as well.)
I have thought the same thing.
Today my husband and I watched Fireproof. The movie stars Kirk Cameron. I highly recommend it. The wife in it as an emotional affair, which could have progressed to more. The man does something called The Love Dare and my husband is now doing that (he started it but only recently told me about it).
I also have issues with this site triggering me. Today my counselor suggested I remove myself from it and i believe she is correct. It often stirs up emotions and does not help the healing process most of the time.