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User Topic: t/j on wayward justification
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many WS blame shift to justify their affairs. When they do many lack remorse and empathy.

Any BSs here think that their WS justifies their LTA to the extent that they believe we (BSs) got what we deserved?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Sep 2007
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH Hell no. If he did he wouldn't be living in my house.

As a BS You Cannot Accept that. It is your responsiblity to demand the respect you deserve, and that means not allowing the WS having you shoulder any of the burden of the A.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7815 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether they BELIEVE it or not would be hard to tell. I doubt very much if any WS would ever admit it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Sep 2007
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the A. Yes.
He'd got such a warped view of me from the chasm between us on the issue of his bipolar. I knew he had it and he was in complete denial. The only way that could work was him to create me into a total monster of a control freak. Ow believed all that shit too. Post dday and he hit absolute rock bottom and realised what he had done but during. No doubt he hated me.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope its okay to contribute, mine is an XWSO rather than WS.

When we were 19 and had been dating a few months I broke it off with him and started dating someone else a couple of months later. X and I got back together - then stayed together ~15/16 years. According to X, post our breakup, he never forgave me for breaking up with him back then.

He proceeded to 'punish' me for the next decade and a half. So yes, he feels entirely justified in his serial cheating (~6 OW that I know of, at least 1xLTA ~5 years) and it is still all my fault and I deserved it. Nothing wrong with his LTA as she was 'just a friend'


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just thinking that if I had a revenge affair it would be because he deserved it.

That would be my justification anyway.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes...he keeps telling me how much I've hurt him...passive aggressive blame shifting much? But we're separated, so...


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 760 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just thinking that if I had a revenge affair it would be because he deserved it.

IMO there is no difference in choosing to have a affair and choosing to have a revenge affair.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe it or not, it was because I was toooooo good.

Yep, I was such a remarkable beacon of virtue, so fucking saintly and wonderful, that it justified him fucking MOW because he resented me for it. I was just too good for him and so he had to sabotage what he had to PROVE he didn’t deserve me. So by return, I got what I deserved.

How’s that for justification? Twat.

Oh? The real reason? Long lost love reunited, old flames reignited, HS sweethearts, nostalgia and all that crap.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3442 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that in the case of a revenge affair- this can definitely apply.

I suppose it would depend on the balme shifting reasons the WS is giving. If the WS had the affair is tries to blame shift by saying that they are angry and resentful about XYZ, I suppose that it is plausable that at some point they may have thought, "BS deserves this."

I think, however, that so much of the affair is compartmentalizing and unconscious thinking. My WS is mad at me for things, my ex is mad at me for things. I don't think either of them sat down and thought they were getting even, or I deserved what I got. They might have felt that way for a brief period of time, but I don't think it was as conscious as that.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. H8s affair is my fault. I caused him to cheat on me.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah; he admits he did it because it made him feel good to be in the 'cool' crowd. He didn't want a D; he wanted a wife and a gf. In his words, "I never thought you would carry it this far." (the D)


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19809 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While he never came out and said it in those words, I definitely got the impression from now-ex that he thought I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me. He did outright blame me for him having to cheat. I was that horrible of a person and wife, he had no other choice, you see.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just too good for him and so he had to sabotage what he had to PROVE he didn’t deserve me.

Oh My God, that is word for word what my WH says. Is there a website where they memorize these bullshit lines?

Does yours talk in a little sad voice about his low self-esteem? And his horrible childhood? And the stress he has at work?

I think mine cheated because it was fun, exciting and he felt entitled to have a wife and a sexy girlfriend. Oh, and he thought I was too stupid to ever find out.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 8:43 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case marital issues made me vulnerable to an affair, but I never thought my husband deserved it. I was incredibly naive in thinking that the EA was a much smaller deal than it was. I am just now 4 months after DD realizing the impact.

I think on some level (no consciously) thought he wouldn't care. Only through the last few months have I realized the depth of his love for me, and mine for him.

Selfish? Stupid? Yes and Yes. Deserving BS? Never.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think my wife feels I got what I deserved.

At the time, though.. I think she did feel I deserved whatever I got. If anger is a shield then malice is the standard it bears.


In my case marital issues made me vulnerable to an affair, but I never thought my husband deserved it.

I'd like to point out that shifting the blame to marital issues still shifts the blame. Those same marital issues made you vulnerable to committing murder or getting a divorce as well; vulnerability in this context is nothing more than being present to make a choice.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7368 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's A's were never about what I deserved, they were all about what (in his mind)he deserved... I didn't factor into the equation.


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 470 | Registered: Mar 2011
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my ws thought I deserved it. He stayed mad at me for the smallest of things. He finally found something.I refused to give on, this is where he thinks I didnt CHOOSE him. A started shortly thereafter. It's a long story but he asked me to make a choice regarding my DS, he set me up basically asking me to choose, I guess he figured that was his permission to proceed with ow.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4741 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want To Wake Up

Me too. I think for most WSs the BS is irrelevant - otherwise they wouldn't do it?

Would they?

ETA: FWH said that the two main reasons he did it were

(a) I criticised his driving in front of his mother many years ago (He was doing 100km per hour in a 60 zone. I thought he might have missed the sign and said "Honey, do you realise you are in a 60?")

(b) I told him he couldn't have the roof line he wanted on the house we were building in 1992. The builder said it would cost 10k more and we couldn't get that much from the bank.

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:10 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
HeartStings
♀ Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH actually said to me on d-day, "I can't believe I found someone first!" When I asked him what the hell that meant, he said he always 'knew' that I would abandon him after the kids go to college.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 22
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